d-day coming soon - help !

[misshim]

I need advice for my upcoming D. I'll try to condense this, I'm not sure i'm in the right forum. H left Nov 27 2008 after another conversation of me telling him to talk to me from his heart. Me begging him to include me in his life. The following months were total H*ll, me begging him to come home. H told me that house felt like a prison. H filed for D- 2-18-09, he's doing it himself. I got served 3-3-09.(the same day that I found out my "country" boy bought a new car for his new stripper "friend" - i called her, she isn't much of a friend!! I got a lawyer to protect my house (i bought by myself in 2001) and what little I have. 2nd week of March, we both starting turning around, talking but no r-talks. We have a d-4 and he has told me that she's too much to handle. He apparently never wanted to have her. I've read db & db remedies. Love them and I have realized alot about self. Our D is final june 29, 2009, but w/in last 2 weeks he's at house because he misses d-4 and wants to have supper with us. He puts her to bed and now stays and wants to watch tv with me. I'm so nervous and I try to stay strong. The other night he gave me a hug and said to have a good day at work. I have quit texting him first, now he texts me about his work or wants to know how D-4 had slept. He even asked if he could mow our lawn last weekend. We have a 12 acre hobby farm, so i said sure- he always enjoyed mowing. I have been very in tune to the baby steps I see from him. He talks more now than he ever did. I'm trying to be patient but I also know the D is coming up soon. Do I just sit back and be his friend ? and hope he's thinking too or do I ask him about our R. I believe his A is over (he couldn't afford her), H-lost his right in the church for communion but he still goes, we pray together with our d-4, when he visits, we live in a rural community and he has to pay all day care so he doesn't have much money left. Please someone help, I sound scatter brained but it is all so much to take in, and i'm exhausted. Please offer me some suggestions, I believe I have been doing 180's. I compliment him, he cuts himself down. Sometimes he is opposite, saying how good looking he is and how women want him. I know he's saying that to get me upset. I just look at him and say I'm sure they do ! Then he'll say, "Yeah right". I really do want to save my marriage does anyone have any good ideas?
I enjoy reading everyone's posts, but still need advice

[Jack_Three_Beans]

misshim,

Hi there, right now the R talks are still not a good idea, and yes I know that you think it is getting closer to the end, but...really? Maybe not. You guys are getting along better gith now right? So you are seeing the fruits of your 180's paying off...don't change them.

Don't change them because your getting worried or feel pressured because of time...and stop worrying about June as well...it's actually awhile away so slow down and don't appear so frantic or rushed around him as well.

OK?

Some very kind people should be stopping by to offer you better advice than I can.

[craig54]

misshim,


Yes be his friend, no expectations. No R talks, I know it is hard.Don't let the impending divorce dates make you apprehesive. One day at a time.Be patient. Pray for strength.

[misshim]

My H and I married when we were both overweight. (in 2003) I lost 80 lbs in 2006 (he never once gave me a compliment) his friends and family always did that had always hurt me really bad that he couldn't ever say,"good job", "looking good" anything would have been nice. My will power wasn't very good and of course my weakness came back for food when he'd tell me how good his ice cream was at night, and I was drinking water or on tread mill. I gained 40 back, my own fault. Well in his depression or MLC (i'm not sure, maybe both) he used to eat alot !!! When he left at the end of November until first of January he went from 48 to 40 waist. He really looked bad,(physically) pasty gray color to his face. (I suspected drugs? cuz of the girl he was with.) But now when he comes over he's always wanting to bring supper over or asks me to take steaks out of the freezer (we have a small beef farm) - he grilled out last saturday night, he even went to grocery store for soda & other stuff (he never went to the store since our marriage). He doesn't live with d-4 and me but last night he was over. He texted me that morning, out of the blue. He said "Why is it that I miss D-4 so much when I'm not with her but when I am with her she is too intense?" I said, "You miss her because you love her and she loves you, it's the little things you do with her that mean the most" He said, "yeah, I guess your right! can I come and see her tonight?" I of course said sure, I hurried home from work, got d-4 from daycare and fed our farm animals and hurried to get ready for him to come over. He was so nice to me and we small talked about his work. But he doesn't ask me any questions ever.
D-4 he helped put to bed. He came out of d-4 bedroom and asked if I would have some ice cream with him if he ran to the store. (i didn't really want any, I've been losing alittle weight again and I want to keep going) But of course I said sure that would be great. Well my goodness he came back w/ice cream, chocolate m&m's and 12 pack of Pepsi and 12 pack of Dt. Pepsi. A month or so back he wouldn't hardly eat anything, now it's almost like he feels very comfortable. During our marriage he never told me when things were hurting him (or I didn't hear him) but now he is always giving me a list of his ailments. I don't mind hearing about it I guess but I don't know how to respond. I usually say I'm sorry to hear that your knee,shoulder,neck,ankle, (whatever the ailment is for the day) is hurting, let me know if I can help. He says yea help me by just shooting me. (as he laughs) ** don't get offended we used to shoot alot of soda cans on the fence in the summer when we were bored *** But I told him I could never do that to you, we would miss you too much. He said no you wouldn't, you'd be better off without me. Oh my !!!!!! I feel like he's in a self pity, poor me phase, - I want to be there for him so bad but I know this is his fight. Will "we" ever get turned around to enjoy our life again???? I guess that will be answered by the Lord. The Lord has given me so much stength through this, and by my faith in the Lord, I know that he hears my prayers. I guess in the end he will decide if my marriage survives or he believes we should seperate. I pray to the Lord all the time and I really was comfortable in telling the Lord, I might have lost my Husband but thank you I've gained the Father.

Have a great day everyone !!! Please give me lots of advice

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Advice,

Paragraphs... break it up a little, not saying don't write so much...the back ground is great, just break it up a little.

easier to read : )

Seriously.

[misshim]

I'm sorry, I thought the same thing after I hit the submit button. I'm really bad at computer stuff. My post reminds me of my thinking these days. I need to focus more.

Thanks for helping me out !!!

[peacetoday]

M
as JTB said, since you and H arre getting along now, continue
also continue being upbeat, gal ( gat a life)
develop hobbies new friends stay busy
If you H is in MLC..it takes them a while to work thru it
waych the money..protect yourself
sometimes they seem OK at the begiining, but they spend a lot
and will go in debt..they have no concept of money
No R talks
keep conversations friendly, light upbeta, supportive
see where it all leads
remember No expectations
take care of you
peace

[Creed]

misshim

Welcome...and CONGRATULATIONS on the weight loss you accomplished! You should be very proud of yourself.And I hope regardless if you have some backsliding or not, you realize that you can get back to where you want to be again.

I know it hurts when your spouse won't acknowledge an accomplishment like that...from my own personal experience. I don't think they have it in them to be happy for anyone else, let alone tell someone they've accomplished something great..not when they're not happy themselves. They see someone actually doing something with hard work, and they realize they're not where THEY want to be in life. Besides, WAS usually blame the LBS for everything wrong in their life, so why would they (WAS) be happy for us or any accomplishment we made to better our own life.

But believe me....he noticed...big time.

And as far as him and the suggestions of food, and eating, and ice cream, etc. Beware. I would imagine that it's his way of trying to get you back to where you once were...so that he doesn't feel bad about himself and his health issues. He could be trying to sabotage what you've done. I'm not saying don't eat with him...just make sure you do it in moderation, and only when you really feel like you want to eat what he's suggesting.

I agree with the others....take it day by day. It's hard telling whats in his head right now. But if it's MLC, you're in for a long haul, and there's no reason to try to guess what will happen next. As others have told you, protect your own interests (I'm glad you already made some moves in that respect), and your daughters....continue to listen if he talks, remember to not put too much weight on what he might say, but more on his actions, and if he's consistent.

This is a great place for support and understanding. And the faith you have will certainly get you through whatever the future may hold for you and your family.

[misshim]

Thanks everyone !! I appreciate all the insight, please keep it coming, unfortunately I only have access to a computer monday thru friday at work.

My H's b-day is coming up may 23 -- my d-4 will give him a b-day card but I really would like to as well. I have picked up 3 cards now. No Husband b-day card w/mush in them (like I used to) I have a serious "someone special" card, plain friend one, and I have one that talks from the heart (doesn't say love or husband).

I can't believe that I'm going to ask this question, but should I give him a card? and maybe which one. I don't want to push him further away. No R talks, but it is his b-day.

Can't help but wonder if he'll remember that it's mothers day. Hope he helps my d-4 get a card for me, then again who knows.

For all the mothers on this site -- HAPPY MOTHERS DAY !!

[Grace_O]

mh,

I don't think I'd give him a card, but I would say "Happy Birthday" if you see him. Make sure D4 gets him a card and scribbles in it etc.

I have taken to getting myself something for Mother's Day. Even though my D's are 16 and 14 (and yes, I give them money if they ask for me) and the last two years H has acknowledged it with a plant. I try not to count on it and it helps keep my spirts up. This year, I'm thinking of an "ABsolutely Fabulous" marathon


Happy Mother's Day to you too!

HUGS