It should be easier this time... #62

[antlers]

Oh my good god! This is some debate. Well I will wade in and all I know, or what I have learnt in watching others R's and certainly in my own... lack of communication is the root of all evil. Or the wrong type of communication (90% of arguments are all just noise, nobody listens once you start yelling). So.. if you dont understand your womans mood, ask her whats wrong and listen to the answer. If you think you may be being too controlling and ignoring your H's needs, ask him his opinion and take it on board. So... better listening skills ?

I'll jump in too! I think a lack of compassion is the root of all evil in relationships. Failure of compassion is the primary cause of anger, resentment, contempt, disgust, and abuse in relationships. I speak from my own personal experience.

And I'll add that you have to have compassion for yourself as well as compassion for others.

[mishka422]

So.. if you dont understand your womans mood, ask her whats wrong and listen to the answer.

Isn't that a problem for most women though? I can tell you that when anyone asks me what is wrong, I never give an answer other than 'nothing'. Now, we all know that is woman code for 'What's wrong? I'll tell you what's wrong!' Unfortunately, most women are wired to never complain which translates to never tell those you love how you are hurting, how you are feeling, what would help you be more content, etc.. I know that I was certainly taught that from an early age. Voicing your feelings would only lead to hurting the person you are voicing them to. Can anyone say dysfunctional?

Now, tell me I'm wrong. Tell me that the majority of women don't answer this way. I still do it too, even after all I've learned. I just can't open that can of worms because I don't want to be labeled for it.

OK......I asked for it.....fire away!

[naej]

Naej, slowly raising hand

Not because I can't complain or even at the risk of hurting their feelings, it is because hmmmmm
I expect that person to know!!!

BUT
I do speak up now, but haven't had a beloved to practise my new skills on.

so it's just the 2 of us Mishka?

[Sara]

I think a lack of compassion is the root of all evil in relationships. Failure of compassion is the primary cause of anger, resentment, contempt, disgust, and abuse in relationships.

Yes, the idea of listening to my complaints and even listening with compassion, is a lot better than having a man grab me, or tickle me, or throw me down on the bed for the good F that I need. I wonder how successful Deida has been with that garbage in his own life. I can't even imagine how insecure a man has to be in himself and his own instincts to take this stuff seriously.

[mishka422]

Well naej, maybe we are the only two willing to admit it.

[Virtually_Handsome]

It seems to me that perhaps there is a balance to be struck?

I think the compassion and listening are most important, but the question is... then what? Maybe that's where a bit of tickling could come in handy?

It seems clear to me that there's no one formula, and it takes two to make things work.

[Virtually_Handsome]

And maybe when the answer is "nothing", a little tickling could help extract the real answer?

[mishka422]

Who knows Jeff. He never tried that one. Just wandered off without any further discussion so I could stew in my own juices being angry and him, at myself, at the situation, whatever.

[antlers]

I think a lack of compassion is the root of all evil in relationships. Failure of compassion is the primary cause of anger, resentment, contempt, disgust, and abuse in relationships.

Yes, the idea of listening to my complaints and even listening with compassion, is a lot better than having a man grab me, or tickle me, or throw me down on the bed for the good F that I need. I wonder how successful Deida has been with that garbage in his own life. I can't even imagine how insecure a man has to be in himself and his own instincts to take this stuff seriously.

Without compassion, a spouse stops caring about how you feel. Compassion is the lifeblood of families and failure of compassion is the 'heart disease' of a family's emotional life. Compassion contributes far more to happiness than love does. Compassion makes you want to help your spouse achieve what is best for them...you want them to feel OK about themselves...it sensitizes you to things about them that, unfortunately, you wouldn't be aware of otherwise.

[mishka422]

Yes, but compassion is only healthy if it is practiced in both directions. If the compassion continually comes from only one side of the equation then it becomes damaging to oneself.