WAW - Very confused and devastated - pt 8

[MrBond]

Interesting convo last night, but not unexpected. The WAS will still blame the LBS for their unhappiness even after they're gone.

This is totally part of the script. My W was just plain angry whenever we would see each other after she left. She would get mad and start taking it out on me, accusing me of things, etc. I finally put my foot down and told her that we are no longer living together, so why is she getting mad at me? I gave her everything she asked for and is still angry. I told her start looking at yourself before you keep getting angry at me. Once I re-asserted myself and showed her I wasn't going to be bouncing around like her puppet, then she stopped and actually got to be much nicer.

That's what you need to do. Tell her you gave her and she's gotten everything she asked for. Yet she is still saying that you don't act the way SHE EXPECTS you to. Tell her again that you love her very much and have shown that you have changed time and time again. Everyone else can see it except for her BECAUSE SHE has an expectation as to how you should act to her.

It's all about control. Our WAS will always say that they left because WE controlled their actions/feelings/emotions, whatever. But once they leave, they become controlling as hell so that we don't even know how to be ourselves around them because it is what they want and not us.

"I answered and she started about how she was very confused. I almost said WTF but let her explain. She said that she doesn't understand what I was doing as she wanted to know if I had changed my mind of wanting to continue to work on the marriage."

Give me a break. You've told her time and time again you want to work on the M. Only she kept telling you she didn't.

"I told her that I still did, but reminded her that since she filed for divorce and left, I'm still trying to figure out what to do as I know I can't work on the marriage by myself.

EXACTLY. You can't work on it alone.

"She said that she felt that I gave up and asked what I was doing out so late on cinco de mayo and who I was with. I told her that I was out and got home late and didn't think I needed to tell her since she had left. She reminded me of what I said about how after she left, I asked her if she was going to just start partying. She said she was offended that I even asked as that was something she had never done nor would have considered. So she wanted to know if that was what I was doing and if I had given up."

She had no right to ask you that. She left...period. You can go out with whomever and wherever you wish. She's not your mother.

"I told her my feelings haven't changed and reminded her that I had told her before she left that this week I had alot of business meetings off site. I didn't tell her before this week because she had left for her space and time."

Too much explaining. You have to learn that you don't have to explain anything.

"She then started saying that if we can't work on a relationship where we are "friends" she doesn't see how she would even consider going out on a date to take our relationship to that level. I told her that when she filed for divorce and left, I thought she wasn't even considering any of that."

Exactly! Are you working on a relationship? I guess no one bothered to tell you. LOL

"So I asked if that had changed. She didn't really answer, but sorta implied that if I was "attractive" to her, she would consider it. Really not sure what that means....."

The only person who can make you attractive to her is ...HERSELF! Big surprise! She expects to be loving towards you once you're "attractive" to her. My W told me the same thing and I told her it was the most ridiculous thing she had ever told me. I told her that after 17 years of being together, her "suddenly" saying I wasn't attractive to her was an insult and stupid. I know I crossed the line with that, but then I told her to really think about what she just said and if it made any sense to her. She actually did.

Your W took away your "attractiveness" in her mind to justify her leaving. All WASs do that. Try not to let that get to you. The only one who can give her your attractiveness back is herself.

"She then said that if it wasn't for the kids, she wouldn't even want to spend anytime with me now with the way I've been treating her. She said it was more of what she had experienced prior to her dropping the bomb and I said that I had changed."

The only one who had changed negatively is her. Her perception is what is changing. You've remained loving and consistent throughout it all.

"I told her that I really didn't know how I was suppose to treat her as I was trying to respect her boundaries since she left. She said that there is still alot of what we could talk about that wouldn't "intrude" on her boundaries."

Oh really? Like what are her boundaries? She's never told you. Plus, she has to respect the fact that you have boundaries too. And one of them is to not be constantly treated like sh*t around her.

"She said that she feels that we are at a point where we are starting over and trying to decide if we should start dating so we should act that way."

No. You act the way you want to act. Not the way she wants you to act. If you keep giving in to her you're setting yourself up for failure because she's going to nitpick and say how you're not doing things the "right" way. i.e. HER way. You are your own man. Do what you want to do. THAT is what it's like when you're first dating. No expectations.

Both a test and BS.

"One of the things that my therapist had suggested was to see if she would make some measurable effort to actually work on the relationship (i.e. go to counseling, on a date, etc.)."

Your W obviously doesn't want to talk about "feelings". She thinks that by "dating" her way, her feelings MIGHT come back. It doesn't work that way.

See what I told you about the emotional rollercoaster never ending? hang in there. Don't let her be the one to control you.