I am glad you stopped talking... I am guilty of the same thing. He's gonna lay awake tonight in deep thought that's for sure. You handled it beautifully. You were calm and non judgemental because you see this is his problem and it's not about you per say.
I am glad Dan was receptive to what you said and because he was I think he will honestly try to think about it. He may pull back for a day or two and he still might become angry (which is really just shame and guilt) but I am so glad you got this off your chest... you've been carrying that a long time.
Blessings,
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
Thanks, Sara. I took a page from the Retro experience. For the letter I wrote (and I did write it, except I told it to him from the letter instead of giving it to him to read), I used the setup from the Retro weekend.
Do I see the real you? And can I accept you as you are?
It was something to that effect. And so I told him how I saw him, struggling, lost, adrift in a raging sea with no navigation, in despair. And I told him that i thought porn was the reason for it. Weighing him down and crushing him into the ground...but i already posted yesterday what I was going to say. It was pretty much the same. And I finished by saying YES, I would accept him as he was and support him if he wanted to free himself from the burden he was carrying by hiding it from everyone.
BobbiJo - You did good by knowing when to stop talking. Dan is not responding now because, like most guys, he needs time to process what you told him.
Your patience and compassion now reminds me of what stuck808 mentioned in PortlandDad's thread in newcomers last night...
Originally Posted By: stuck808
PD,
Great to hear about your convo. I think a few more of those and she'll feel more at ease. That's when she's going to start re-remembering the good times you had together.
It worked with my W. I was a total hot head when I first would talk to her. Then I stopped and let her engage. Even when she was saying things I didn't agree with, I listened and made mental notes as to why she might believe that. Then I set out to change those negative perceptions she had. I learned that I talked over her when she was saying what she wanted all along.
It really is like being in a new relationship with someone. Or at least that's how I've approached it. The old R is gone. I'm dating a new woman who has an opinion. So I'm doing the things I would do if I were trying to attract a girl from scratch, but with the benefit of experience.
Patience and compassion is the key because she's going to keep dragging you along her emotional rollercoaster. At times like that, I would picture a rock in the ocean that's being slammed by the waves. No matter how strong the current, the rock doesn't budge. Eventually the ocean calms and changes, but the rock is still there as strong as ever.
I think you have said and done all you need for now. You have gone above and beyond what most could endure. It is finally up to Dan to think long and hard whether he wants to reach out and make a choice to love and respect his wife. Regardless of his choice, I believe you have the drive, passion and determination to keep yourself content with anything you pursue.
As you may have noticed, I am pretty slow at times and don't really grasp all the intricacies of the female mind. I am more scientific or mathematical than emotional. Having said this, I appreciate the fact that you wanted to reach out to Dan. You ask what do you do now? I would be tempted to say the same thing you would do before the talk. As my buddies say above, it is up to Dan to step up to the plate. I do not know him, but please do not have high expectations as to a timeline or an immediate positive response from him. If you do get one, build on it slowly and carefully.....
Being a bit of a nerdy astrologer... I found it fascinating that you had THAT convo, just on the day that Mercury, planet of communications went retrograde (backwards - so, literally, going back over things, past issues being bought back up) and as in a "Finger of God" pattern with Pluto (squared to Venus) and the North Node - our highest and "true destiny".
It was said that whatever the "Pluto" issue is in your life right now, if this pattern touched you directly, something or someone would be giving you the message that its time to face your demons. You Bobbi, were the messenger, you were the finger of god, pointing at Dan !! Pluto square venus rules all things of a taboo s*xual nature, bondage, power, control, dominance in male-female Rs, porn etc.. so, pretty fitting really.
Anyway.. I think his silence spoke volumes.. and his "you could be right".. I am guessing Dan is an iceberg and there were a tonne of thought running through his mind that yuo may not be privy too.
This "Finger of God" effect, which was exact yesterday, is in effect for a few more weeks yet.. so I would give him at least that time to process what you said, and in the meantime.. wait and do nothing.
xx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I agree with the philosophy of wait and do nothing right now. You've put it out there and layed all the cards on the table, now wait and see what actions Dan takes. I think it's a huge positive that he sat there and let you get everything out and then semi-validated your observations with his "you may be right" comment. He could easily taken a denial approach and just tuned you out or became defensive about the whole thing.
I think now all you can do is to keep doing what you were already planning on. "You may be right" could be code for so many things, from "you may be right", to "shut up, that's ridiculous, and I don't want to talk about it", or anything in between. At least you know that you did what you could. Now, it's up to you to take care of you, and him to take care of him!
Thanks all! Ali, that is really cool to hear...how it all lined up on that particular day. I still intend to go and file when school gets out (two weeks from today!)...so he has a couple of weeks to reach out to me if that is what he chooses.
I will give him some time to mull it over and I do not really expect anything from him. If he wants me in his life, if he wants my support if/when he tackles the issue, he knows what to do.
Strangely enough I called him this morning to tell him Nathan was sick. (Got him into dr. and it is tonsillitis-ick!) Anyway the call dropped and Dan called back 3 x to finish what was basically a one sentence issue--Our kid is sick I will stay home from work today.
Then he called again 2 minutes later to tell me to look out my west windows and I should be able to see a rainbow in the sky. Wtf. Guess he was driving to work and saw it...
Back to the issue at hand, I shared my 'stuff' last night, he didn't deny or argue. So the ball is in his court. If he doesn't want my help I won't force it on him.
