Ammoguy, just got up on your thread/sitch, because your cool name caught my eye (!). What kind of ammo?
There are a fair number of similarities in our sitch's, and I'll just second the intervention by PortlandDad -- arguing over email and text is a lose-lose proposition. For one, it's impossible to infer "tone" from writing -- just look at the number of times people on my threads have thought I was dismissing their comments / insights -- even with those annoying emoticons, and for two the problem is (and I'm living it right now) that the text you send "lives" forever. If you irritate WAW with a text (or she irritates you, as mine did last night), she/you can just keep looking at it over and over, and it never goes away.
My WAW went out of town this weekend and I committed to not have a single communication with her except in case of medical emergency -- she, me, or the kids. Silence is golden.
You did well with fighting for your daughter, she is the one that left the d, not you. You are the man that is there everyday with her, you know what is best because she is NOT there.
Now, you need to learn to shut the hell up. And did you actually text her. Quit doing that, just sit there, let her come to you, she should be sitting there thinking about how her actions just may loose her daughter, instead you comeback saying how OK everything is going to be.
I let my wife know that it was not going to be this rosy, hunky dory divorce, that I was going to fight for every minute that I would be able to see my sons. I told her to get out of la la land because this was going to be hard on me, harder on her, and the hardest on the children. And when she accused me using the children against her, I would ask, tell me where I am wrong. Silence. OK I have got to go, see ya.
To get the WAS out of La La land, you must insert doubt in their head of their decision.
Can I just say that inserting anything into their heads is dangerous and manipulative? You can't "fix" her. That's what you need to realize. YOU need to get a life. YOU need to make your changes and work on YOU and YOU need to STOP looking for somebody to validate that she's (insert something about being a bitch or being crazy or whatever - here). She's just as confused as you are. Man up and figure out what YOU need to do. She needs you to be the lighthouse in this storm. She does. Your daughter does as well. She needs to know that dad is doing what he can to save the family and that dad has integrity and morals and sticks to them. She does.
Your spouse is confused. Angry. Don't talk about R matters right now. What you saw was that when you didn't respond the way she wanted you to, she immediately flew off the deep end and blamed you and called you. That tells you she cares deeply - you cannot be angry at something or someone you care nothing about. She's just so angry (at who knows what? Doesn't really matter at this point so stop trying to guess :))
Know that you cannot change her. You are not a bad parent. You are not using daughter. Your spouse is not at a point where she can understand that in a way that she can communicate to you. You can do nothing to get her to acknowledge that.
You are doing well, but you need to redirect conversations to NOT txt important things to her. Trust me on that one. I learned that the hard way. You can learn from my mistakes and those of many others. Don't txt that kind of stuff. Don't influence daughter - not because of spouse, but because it is the right thing to do. Don't talk about this with too many friends or people you both know. You can't possibly explain it anyway at this point. You don't know what's in her head. Stay out of her's. Get a life. Be you. Be happy. If she later wants to come along, that'd be great. But as you said, she's a great mom.
If I were you I'd limit your conversation to letting her know you think she's a great mom (be specific with her) and steer conversation away from other stuff.
Your career? You can always be a reservist. You can always talk about your career later when you and your spouse reunite. Because by then you two should be able to have a conversation without the two of you trying to rip each other's throats out. Or at least neither of you will try that.
Be cool.
AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
The doubts in the WAS is the direct biproduct of the 180's. Sure you do these things for yourself, to make you feel better, to make you get through these tough times better, and then we hope the WAS starts to doubt what they are doing because the result is a better, more attractive you.
ok first of all Thank you PD, SP, Burt, AJM I will follow ALL of your advice.
and I agree with all of you I will NOT talk about important issues with W over text anymore. This has always been a problem for us because we both hate to talk on the phone and texting is just more convienent however, it will not happen again...
SP: that is my career field in the military AMMO. BOMBS!!!!! EXPLOSIVES!!!!!
Set up appoinment with lawyer for monday going to cost me 250 just for consultation then 2k-3.5k for a retainer fee...sucks! Luckily i know alot of people in town and I was told this is the best divorce lawyer here. hopefully i wont need to pay them the retainer fee.
W contacted me just to ask a few questions about nothing important...
Found it way easier to be detached today after last nights conversation I'm so worried about my D's future and her living arrangments etc...
well the weekend has started and i dont have much planned...
nothing from W today really sucks... Did find out today if W tries to fight for custody she will probably end up with alot less custody than she plans on... i really dont want to put any of us through this espically D3.
but i am getting an awesome laugh right now, D is 3 she has an open ended wrench and a screwdriver trying to "fix" her bicycle its hilarious. she might actually get her training wheels off LMAO
This still sucks.