So lost

[AJM]

Can I just say that inserting anything into their heads is dangerous and manipulative? You can't "fix" her. That's what you need to realize. YOU need to get a life. YOU need to make your changes and work on YOU and YOU need to STOP looking for somebody to validate that she's (insert something about being a bitch or being crazy or whatever - here). She's just as confused as you are. Man up and figure out what YOU need to do. She needs you to be the lighthouse in this storm. She does. Your daughter does as well. She needs to know that dad is doing what he can to save the family and that dad has integrity and morals and sticks to them. She does.

Your spouse is confused. Angry. Don't talk about R matters right now. What you saw was that when you didn't respond the way she wanted you to, she immediately flew off the deep end and blamed you and called you. That tells you she cares deeply - you cannot be angry at something or someone you care nothing about. She's just so angry (at who knows what? Doesn't really matter at this point so stop trying to guess :))

Know that you cannot change her. You are not a bad parent. You are not using daughter. Your spouse is not at a point where she can understand that in a way that she can communicate to you. You can do nothing to get her to acknowledge that.

You are doing well, but you need to redirect conversations to NOT txt important things to her. Trust me on that one. I learned that the hard way. You can learn from my mistakes and those of many others. Don't txt that kind of stuff. Don't influence daughter - not because of spouse, but because it is the right thing to do. Don't talk about this with too many friends or people you both know. You can't possibly explain it anyway at this point. You don't know what's in her head. Stay out of her's. Get a life. Be you. Be happy. If she later wants to come along, that'd be great. But as you said, she's a great mom.

If I were you I'd limit your conversation to letting her know you think she's a great mom (be specific with her) and steer conversation away from other stuff.

Your career? You can always be a reservist. You can always talk about your career later when you and your spouse reunite. Because by then you two should be able to have a conversation without the two of you trying to rip each other's throats out. Or at least neither of you will try that.

Be cool.

AJ