My wife immediately rang me and sounded perplexed. She said my wording in my texts sound as though "I have never met you before, and I don't understand your wording".
She went on abit and when I said it was in her best interests, she said because I am moving back into the house for 4 months in June when she moves out, I would need to know to. I asked in a friendly nature whether she would like me to talk to him in as in my text and she said yes please.
I also told her I have changed the name on our gas bill to her name to show I am 'moving on', she said ok.
J, for some reason, (considering we were talking about a plumber) she also wanted to know what I was upto regarding work. I stayed upbeat and told her I had a few things in the pipeline. She said "I care about what you are doing, but our private lives are our own concern"
Seems a strange thing to say.
Last edited by markhaving probs; 05/07/0912:54 PM.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Well, it's over now and a small thing. Don't sweat it. I would just say your text sounded unnatural and it wasn't that clear.
I don't really know what your wife means there - I wouldn't dwell. Here is a great post I found by SG about assuming and acting as if. I wanted to post you it ages ago but have only just found it again.
'Great Question. ACT AS IF sounds like a vague concept.
ACT AS IF is real life, in the moment. In this situation, it's not pretend everything's roses and he's coming back any second now.
It can be something like he didn't call your son tonight like he was supposed to. He's living with another woman. She may even have kids. They Your kid's really really disappointed. You hurt for your kid if not for yourself. How do you act?
Unless you're in super control of your emotions, you probably often react according to how you think and feel about the situation.
ACT AS IF is about 'framing' if you look at it the 'Tony Robbins' way.
You'd probably act very differently if you assumed in the different manners as below....let's look at some options:
1) He's with HER.(aack!) She wants him to...run errands for her, , have dinner and or wild sex with her. How would you act?
2) He's with HER KIDS (argh!!!) He's going to HER kids soccer game, helping her kids with homework...watching HER sick kids. What would you do?
3) He's working. Probably ignoring her and her kids too. What would you say to your kid?
4) He's overwhelmed. She won't let him call your kid. She's watching his every move. What would you say to him?
5) He's a doofus. He forgot? What would you say to your kid?
6) He's overwhelmed by everything. He's sick. He wasn't trying to hurt anyone, just couldn't get it together?
How would you handle each of those situations? Most likely VERY DIFFERENTLY?
Your actions (that followed your assumptions) will guide the NEXT interactions with your H...and maybe even that kid's interactions with your H.
Which assumptions do you choose?
ACT AS IF with the high road. Or one of them. (sometimes it isn't crystal clear--probably 4 or 6, maybe 5. NOT likely to be 1-3.'
Thanks for that. In the sitch above how would you have handled it? I think I am trying too hard to make sure I validate, be helpful, in other words 'DR too far'.
Please could you also run the rule over my first post this morning. Thank you.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Hi Mark, I just posted in your thread in Infidelity.
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
I understand that you are having hard times in the mornings. So here, let's anticipate it together, OK?
So, what do you like to do that usually improves your mood? Could it be music from you stereo? How about some exercise to kick up those endorphins? Make a list of things you think you like that could IMMEDIATELY improve your mood and schedule those activities!!! If possible, get out of the house so you immediately put yourself into a place that you HAVE TO BE.
Maybe since you like exercise so much, you could make a sandwich the night before, put it in the fridge. Then as soon as you get up, grab your sandwich and your coffee and head to the gym FIRST THING.
I took up tennis for exactly the same reasons. Now I am getting so much better at my hobby and I can count on the endorphins rush to put me in a happy mood for the rest of the day.
So, put a list together. What can you do to get out of the funk?
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
Exercise is going to be the most effective thing for me to do at the moment. I can also get a kick from my ipod while I train so this is what I will try and do each morning.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
All right Mark. That's good. Do you go to the gym? As a possibility so you don't miss out on this activity, can you arrange it so you have to meet someone there? If there is pressure to be there, then you won't postpone it and stay at home and feel down.
If not, try to go anyway. Everyday if possible. First thing in the morning since that's your most precarious time for depression.
All right, anything else? You need a contingency plan and variety, just in case. Anything else you can put on your list?
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
I forwarded the text the plumber sent me to my wife. I made a joke about the lead 'flashing' that might be needed on the roof. Her response was 'ok thanks'.
She clearly has had a sense of humour by-pass as well. It made me laugh, but then I always laugh at my own jokes.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
