Newly separated...spouse left, 3rd thread

[antlers]

This is a hard way to live

Understood.

Things that helped me cope:
- prayed for others(especially that the Holy Spirit was working on my W), wisdom, discerment, strength
- walked/played with my dog (Phoebe the Wonder Lab)
- exercise
- thought about what I was grateful for
- posted/vented/journaled here
- cried
- stayed busy

You can handle it.

I've done some selfish praying, I suppose, by asking God to please help us heal our marriage. That's been since very early January. Things are worse now. Now, I'm praying that God will make his will for me known to me, and asking for his strength and guidance to do what He would have me to do. I also pray for healing for her. I will also pray for wisdom and discernment. Is it selfish to pray that God will work on her?

We recently got a new kitten for the kids, but I enjoy him also while the kids are gone.

I ride my bike on a regular basis. I've lost about 85 pounds since this all started.

Maybe thinking more about what I'm grateful for would be helpful to me? Kinda hard to do right now though, with all the disappointment, remorse, and heartache.

I'm here a lot. And I'm thankful for this site, and those who are also here.

Done a lot of that, especially early on...not much recently though.

Trying to. I work 36 hours a week in a very busy ER...three 12 hour shifts a week. I have my kids on every day off.



Right now I want to enjoy life with our kids and give them some slack, not too much, for they are hurting too and don't have the life experience to deal with this. And I want to get better...much better.

[futureunknown]

6 days, great job! Stay strong. It is hard, but you're doing the right thing!

[antlers]

6 days, great job! Stay strong. It is hard, but you're doing the right thing!

I hope I'm doing the right thing!

I'm pretty much at a loss right now.

The things she said on April 30th still stand out!

I've been advised to be very dim. Dont call her, don't text her, and if she im/text/calls me, lovingly ignore at least some of them. If she contacts me in need, then I'll be there for her, but if she contacts me just to dump on me, I dont want or need that, it only makes keeping PMA up and improving harder. How about "You seem upset. It would probably be better to talk another time."

[antlers]

Day 7 of no contact at all. I've read recently where I should stay the same distance from her that she is to me (evidently, this keeps the pressure off).

I'm learning that failure of compassion is the primary cause of anger, resentment, contempt, disgust, and abuse in relationships. I'm learning that compassion is the most important emotion for forging intimate relationships.

I wish that I knew this stuff in years past!

Things don't look good, and they don't feel good either!

Any continued help, advice, and/or support would be appreciated. Thanks.

[Coach]

I'm learning that failure of compassion is the primary cause of anger, resentment, contempt, disgust, and abuse in relationships. I'm learning that compassion is the most important emotion for forging intimate relationships.

good, keep learning and doing the introspection and work on yourself - that's what this is all about.
you can handle it
cheers

ps stop counting days - doesn't matter in the long run.

[antlers]

I'm learning that failure of compassion is the primary cause of anger, resentment, contempt, disgust, and abuse in relationships. I'm learning that compassion is the most important emotion for forging intimate relationships.

good, keep learning and doing the introspection and work on yourself - that's what this is all about.
you can handle it
cheers

ps stop counting days - doesn't matter in the long run.

I have learned a lot so far, and I'll continue to do so. I feel so bad for not having known this stuff in the past though! We could have avoided so much fighting, anger, resentment, pain, etc. Our kids would be so much better off, and we would be so much better off!

I'm only counting the days because right now they are steps, even though they might be baby steps, and it's something that I haven't been too good at so far. It makes me feel like I'm at least doing something that I should be doing, instead of doing something that I shouldn't be doing!


p.s. I know where you're coming from though.

[futureunknown]

I'm only counting the days because right now they are steps, even though they might be baby steps, and it's something that I haven't been too good at so far. It makes me feel like I'm at least doing something that I should be doing, instead of doing something that I shouldn't be doing!

I think counting the days gives you a way to break up a very hard task into pieces you can manage. Like when I'm running, and I'm dead tired, and I've got a mile to go, I'll pick a point in the near distance and concentrate on getting there, then once I'm there, pick another point, etc.

Also, know that the longer you go without any contact, the more your brain will adapt to your new situation, and you'll begin to let go and feel better. It's not unlike getting over an addiction. You're in withdrawal now, but you're probably through the worst at this point.

You're doing great, and by the way, I totally agree with you how sad it is to realize that if we'd only known some of this stuff years ago, things could have been so much better. The past is the past though, all we can do is try to make ourselves better and look toward the future.

[antlers]

I'm only counting the days because right now they are steps, even though they might be baby steps, and it's something that I haven't been too good at so far. It makes me feel like I'm at least doing something that I should be doing, instead of doing something that I shouldn't be doing!

I think counting the days gives you a way to break up a very hard task into pieces you can manage. Like when I'm running, and I'm dead tired, and I've got a mile to go, I'll pick a point in the near distance and concentrate on getting there, then once I'm there, pick another point, etc.

Also, know that the longer you go without any contact, the more your brain will adapt to your new situation, and you'll begin to let go and feel better. It's not unlike getting over an addiction. You're in withdrawal now, but you're probably through the worst at this point.

You're doing great, and by the way, I totally agree with you how sad it is to realize that if we'd only known some of this stuff years ago, things could have been so much better. The past is the past though, all we can do is try to make ourselves better and look toward the future.

Yeah, it does help one to manage it better, and it also helps you to mark some progress.

I'm hopeful that's gonna happen. It'll hopefully provide space for detatchment.

Thanks...I don't always feel like it though. It's hard to accept what a no compassion, selfish idiot I was! I want to be better and look forward to the future. That's a herd one though!


p.s. I am anxious and scared of what the future holds. That awful phone call on the 30th still hurst bad. I really don't want anything worse to happen. I feel bad for our kids...they have no say-so in the matter...something that affects them now and for the rest of their lives...and they have no control and no say-so in the matter! They are innocent and guiltless.

[Coach]

I think counting the days gives you a way to break up a very hard task into pieces you can manage. Like when I'm running, and I'm dead tired, and I've got a mile to go, I'll pick a point in the near distance and concentrate on getting there, then once I'm there, pick another point, etc.

I agree, focus on a positive accomplishment. Instead of of focusing on how long it has been with no contact focus on how many days you have done something positive for yourself.

I ran a marathon in '07 and one of the things that kept me going was saying "anyone can run one mile." Just do that 26.2 times and you are there!

Cheers

[antlers]

I think counting the days gives you a way to break up a very hard task into pieces you can manage. Like when I'm running, and I'm dead tired, and I've got a mile to go, I'll pick a point in the near distance and concentrate on getting there, then once I'm there, pick another point, etc.

I agree, focus on a positive accomplishment. Instead of of focusing on how long it has been with no contact focus on how many days you have done something positive for yourself.

I ran a marathon in '07 and one of the things that kept me going was saying "anyone can run one mile." Just do that 26.2 times and you are there!

Cheers

That makes sense. Just change your perspective! Look at it as how many days you've done something positive for yourself. I like it. Is it really positive for me to do this?

Congratulations.