Setting Boundaries for MLC Alien H

[In Limbo]

Since H began working such long hours and going in at 5am a couple of years ago, one of the things we have often done is to go to an early morning breakfast as a family. This has continued about once a week even since separation. With the extra distance this week and H's seemingly increased infatuation/addiction to OW, I had not even thought about having breakfast this week. I was honestly hoping not to have to face H until late Friday night when he came home. But at 4am this morning the phone rang and H asked if we would meet him for breakfast. Not alot of "conflicts" I could say I had to be unavailable, so I said sure. I got myself up and made sure I looked as well as one can at 5am (cute clothes, makeup, hair, the whole bit). On the way there it occurred to me that the more I imagine life without him as H, the more I try to come to terms with him loving OW, the easier it is to detach. It gets harder when he's home and behaving like we're still together (hanging out with kids, joking around, ML). So I guess I've got to figure out how to detach without pushing him away. It goes back to fear, I guess. If I can stop being afraid of what might happen if....and just live my life the way I know is best for me and the boys at this crazy juncture, then things would probably be better.

At breakfast, I was cheerful and did not initiate any physical touch and avoided all "hot topics". As he was leaving, he hugged me, looked into my eyes and said ILY. I'm not sure according to DB if I should say ILY back, but just not say it first or what. So I said ILY too. He asked me "what's wrong" like he always does, no matter how I act. It makes me want to scream b/c he KNOWS what's wrong and I really don't want to talk about it and just wish he'd quit asking. I just smiled and said "nothing, why?"

I will not contact him today or tomorrow and when he gets home tomorrow night I will be cheerful and doing my best to act "as if." This weekend, I will not bring up R or OW or any other "hot topic." It just seems so fake right now. I can't confront about OW, can't discuss R and really don't feel like talking about trivial stuff. We had been still ML, but right now I'm not sure I can continue that. My boundary has been that if it feels ok, I'll continue. My concern is if we don't, that may be more fuel for EA to go PA. Not sure if that's valid line of thinking or not. Regardless, I'm going to just be true to what I feel is good and healthy for me.

Saturday night we will be hanging out and having dinner with two ladies he used to work with and their families. I'm usually pretty shy, so I think this would be a good time to do a 180 and show him my new more social self. Plus, they still work with OW so it might be good for it to get back to her that we looked happy together or at least I did or whatever. Know I shouldn't focus on what OW thinks, but the thoughts come to me anyway.

S7 has a baseball game tonight, so that will be a welcome distraction. Need to get more GAL going, but with the kids' activities it's a challenge. I'll have to try harder.