Healing my Heart part 7

[NoCodeBlues]

... BUT He then asked me every day for a week, "did you show xxx the book I did" , "did you show mrs. xxx the nice thing I did for you"... I was like, what does it matter, wasn't it enough just do something nice for me and leave it at that... nope. He does things half heartdly, not really meaning to do them for me, but in some way for him to get credit for doing it at all. Make sense?

I didn't say this before but it is an important point: His pride is coupled with false pride as well. His own considerable insecurities are at the root of this false pride, You can see this in how he seeks your approval for his accomplishments.

I'd say that his frustration stems from his perceived failure to illicit the positive praise he thinks he needs to feel appreciated and respected. Remember, respect is the vehicle by which a husband feels loved. Without it your H's insecurities are exacerbated. And because, in his pride, he believes that this is something he is entitled to (which to a degree he might) but is being denied, his anger builds. Yes, your H has anger issues that he needs to deal with, but his frustrations are conributing to his loss of control.

An IC could certainly help him with that.

[Rob1231]

Well its 1:40 am here, can't sleep. So many things rattling in my head. Do I stay or go. This whole thing is making me old fast....

Then I go back and forth to just think about being by myself....

Oh, what to do. I don't plan on making any rash decisions, unless things really get where they are unbearable.

Hi Fighting,

My wife read this book while she was struggling with her MLC: Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship by Mira Kirshenbaum. I found it in its hiding place and read it - I thought it was very good, and I really think it would help you take a step back from the emotions you are grappling with and figure out what to do. FWIW!

((Hugs))

[Dr LOve]

.

Even the nice things he does for me is just a gesture that he wants credit for and shows it off to anyone who will listen "look what I did for my wife" He's looking for recognition, getting a thank you and affection from his family isn't enough.

Wow Irish,

This sounds like the Old me totally. It's strange but yes I was looking for recognition. I was afraid that what I did would not be recognized. BUT what I have found is that when I do things now and "just do them" not waiting for ANYTHING.. I get more recognition.
I do think it is kind of a little bit my wife's (and possibly your) responsibility also though. I think because she (and possibly you) knew that is what I was waiting for she went out of her way to NOT do it. I would do something in the past and NOT hear anything about it so I would think she did not realize or appreciate what I did but later I would hear from someone else that she told them what I did.
Do you understand? It's like two wrongs do not make a right..(her)"he just did that so I would thank him so I'm not going to thank him" (him) she did not thank me so She does not appreciate what I did".. Around and around it goes..

NOW I am not justifying ANYTHING your H has done. But just this one point that I am making about the "looking for recognition"

This too has to do with "Detachment" that I am going through. To just do things "because" and not waiting for anything in return

Doc

[fightingirish]

Nc- I think you are very right.

rob- Thanks I will check it out!

Doc,- That's just it, I will say most of the time WHEN he does something I tell him I appreciate it. I tell him I know how hard he is working to get us some work. Etc. But there's not a lot of things he does that need reconizing either. Except for the work part. He hasn't been nice in a long time.

And maybe those times I don't say it every time, but enough for me to wonder what more he is looking for. The problem is, is he doesn't appreciate anything I do. he thinks its expected therefore doesn't say anything about the job im doing. So its a no win situation. But I do have to say that I do praise him for working hard and that I know he is trying. what more can I do.

My needs aren't getting in the mean time, but its much more than that. If that were the only thing i would deal with that, but its the constant critizim, and anger and swearing that im so sick of.


Journaling~

S6 wanted to say goodbye this morning to his father, so I called him on the cell, of course he didn't answer. S3 was looking for him this morning. This is what is so sad, because i know what will happen if I do leave.

Anyways he hasn't called me (which is unlike him) but things also haven't been this bad before, so I guess I should expect it.

My mom called this morning and wants to take me out to cheer me up, although im really not in the mood for that, I will go just to get my mind off things.

thanks all for your help and care.I don't know what I would do if I didn't have this board.

xxoo

[Dr LOve]

Irish,
My point was that HE needs to realize that you do notice and do care. He needs to get over needing your approval.
Nothing you have done is "wrong".
That is what I mean by ME needing to detach... I Not needed recognition for EVERYTHING...I think your H is like I have been and trying to overcome.. Being insecure. Being happy for myself..

Here is an example of my thinking...
This Saturday is a car show in the next town (no cars before 1970)A friend wanted me to bring my Mustang. Up until Yesterday I was thinking "since it has been raining and it is supposed to be nice this weekend I have things to do around the house so I can't go"
Later last night I started thinking.. I never just do nothing. I never do things I might enjoy "just because" (detaching) ....So I decided I am going to go to the car show.. Let the "house hold chores sit for a weekend....

[fightingirish]

well not very good news.

I did have a good day with my mom. She took me shopping and got my mind off things for a bit.

H calls, I ask him if he will be coming with us to the communion on Saturday, he says maybe, I said why what are your plans, he says he may have to work. I told him he could do it Sunday. He says well its Mother's day, I said yea, he says shouldn't I be home that day? I said its fine if you have to work. He says well you don't give a Sh** about me anyway. I said, if I didn't care would I be here talking to you about it?

Then he starts in about what's been going on. I just said that you being miserable to everyone is taking its toll. He says he's fustrated that he is busting his butt to get work and nothing is coming in. I said I understand that, Im stressed to, but that doesn't mean you can take it out on everybody else.

then he started in on me about the cat and that I said the wrong thing to him about feeding her and he flew off the handle... OMG.. get over it already!! I said I think WE need to go talk to someone, he says, nope I have nothing to talk about. and then he said I have to go and hung up.

So there you have it my friends. He has no intention of talking to a therapist. I really wish that I wasn't in this position now.

[NoCodeBlues]

Do not let him off that easy, Irish. Give him a day or so to cool off, if need be, but keep on target with the therapy. And don't allow him to turn it into an argument.

Easier said than done, I know.

I agree with Rob that you need to figure out just what you want to do and to understand the consequences that will come of however an ultimatum might turn out. And if an ultimatum about the therapy is indeed what you really want, then proceed with that.

I guess what I am trying to say is that at some point sooner or later you must tell him what the consequences of his recalcitrance on these matters you hold dear will mean to both you and your M. Your H is going to have to either face these issues with you and with the help of a therapist ...or all by himself after he's destroyed his life.

[fightingirish]

So tired tonight.. But I wanted to update before bed.

I talked with h's best friend. He has always been there for both of us, and If H is going to listen to anyone it would be him. He has gone through Divorce (his W cheated about 3x's) He's know My h since kindergarten, so there are no secrets, he knows his flaws etc. so H cannot bullsh** him.

I told him that I was at the end. That something has to give, and that he's got to meet me half way. So he said he would try and convince him to go fishing with him on Saturday and was going to lay it out for him, that he was going to lose me and the kids if he didn't start showing some effort on his part and go get help.

The only persoo who could say this stuff to him is his best friend. He takes it really well. So that's my plan with that.

If it doesn't work than I will have to do a wait and see until the end of the school year, which isn't that far away, then if I had to and if things are still as they are with no end in sight, I can move out for awhile without disrupting S6's schooling.

I don't know if this is a great plan, but its the only one I have, this is not easy for me to even make the decision to leave, because I don't want to, but I also don't want to continue to live like this.

He did just call me back but was asking me general questions, and then he said he was on his way home. That's it.

Well goodnite all...

[NoCodeBlues]

(((((Hugs))))))

[fightingirish]

Not much to report. H came home real late last night from his conference, took him pillow and slept downstairs.

What was interesting is that I had my cell phone next to him and he took it. He must be getting paranoid.

He called around 8am. I asked why he took my cell phone, and he said he thought it was his????? WTH is he talking about... I ignored it, He can look all he wants he's not going to find anything. And seriously is that what he's thinking???? That Im talking to another man?? I have enough dealing with him, does he really think I have time to be cheating???? And what an insult that is to me, ive never ever given him any reason to think such things.

I did ask him again what his plans were for Saturday (the neighbor asked me because she needs a head count) he got defensive and I just told him why and he said he didn't know. So I don't know if the best friend talked to him or not.

Nothing is really pending today for the business, so I think im just going to ignore anymore phone calls from him today. His coldness is getting to me, and I need a break from talking to him.

He won't be home till late so at least I don't have to see him.