I had a nice evening with my children last night. We had dinner, we watched one of the new DVD's I bought the children for here, we played football in the garden and had a nice time. I am concerned about my S7 though as he know hates any confrontation to the point where if my daughter pinches or shouts at my son and I chastise her, my son asks me to apologise to her even if he is crying. My D10 seems very angry, and even though I ask her if she is ok, she says she is fine but I believe she is really hurting inside.
My wife came over to pick the children up, she looked very tired and very matter of fact towards me. Even though we have been together 15 years she seemed out of sorts and in a mood I have not seen in her before. I was going out so I had a shirt on and nice trousers, I even left an overnight bag by the door to give her the impression I might be staying out overnight. The only thing she commented on was the fact she thought my hair had been cut too short!!!
I gave the children a kiss and cuddle and waved them off.
I am having one of the worst mornings I can remember this morning. The mornings are always the worst for me, but this morning I started thinking about my children and they way they are behaving, they are clearly hurting and if I can see it why can't my wife see it. It is not right for them to have to go through this and the scars this will leave on them forever is troubling me. As I am writing this I am crying my eyes out as I feel I am unable to take control of my life in regards to being able to provide for them, I need to get work but anything I get would be short term and I would be back in this work/no work position again.
I am sorry to be so negative but I just cannot see any light at the end of the tunnel. I have booked a counselling session next week but I am losing the will to even open letters especially if they are bills.
How do I hope to attract my wife back if I have a flakey career which she has often commented on. I do not see what she would see in me if I cannot provide for my family properly. I have tried so hard over the years to provide, I just need a break from somebody or somewhere.
I know this is a very 'poor me' post but I am having trouble this morning keeping a handle on everything.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
