Healing my Heart part 7

[Sara]

Fish,

I'm sorry that things have come to this. But I'm glad your mother said what she did. It is good that you have a safe place to go to. I hope that your husband will figure out which side of the bread the butter is on and make changes to improve himself.

[NoCodeBlues]

(((((((Irish,)))))))

It is obvious that your H has left you with no other alternative. I am so sorry this is happening. For all of your sakes.

I think giving your H an ultimatum to seek out C at this point is your only recourse, and his only chance. I feel that no matter what you, Irish, will ultimately be fine, even if your M were not not to survive, which I hope it never comes to that.

Conversely, your H is so lost in his own self-deceptive fog, so self-absorbed, so foolish -- if he doesn't snap out of this he's just going to destroy everything in his life that he loves. He need only look at me and my own folly... and that of countless other foolish spouses who took their M's for granted, squandering a precious blessing that God grants us, to see what loss he will face.

The swearing thing is a terrible, terrible habit, one that I too have to struggle with. I to would be mortified if own of my two boys were to ever utter something vulgar, especially if they had heard it from me first. I am certain that one is a self-control problem, one related to poor anger management.

I and others are in your corner, dear friend. You, your H and your S's are in my prayers. You will make it.

I'll say more later.

[Yoyowife]

Sweet Lady,
You do not deserve any of this. If he does not change, and it does not look like it is on the horizon. He leaves you no alternative but to try a trial separation. He is subjecting you and the boys to mental abuse. There is no other way to look at it. He has got to get a handle on it, you do not want your boys to grow up like that. I'm so sorry....

Hugs, Yoyo

[fightingirish]

((((sara,nc&yoyo)))) Thank you.

Sara- Yes I feel like a large weight has been lifted off my shoulders, knowing that I do have somewhere to go, My mom called me back and told me that my dad said come on home.

nc~ He doesn't get it, he really doesn't. He doesn't think that he is doing anything wrong. He grew up in a house where the parents were disrespectful to each other and yelled and cursed in front of them. It was not a health relationship at all. This is what he sees as normal. I grew up with just the opposite. My parents never fought, my father barely spoke (which wasn't good either) but there wasn't any verbal abuse or otherwise going on. I remember my childhood as a happy one.

So all of this up and down, drama, I can't stomach anymore. No this is something new with him, I guess I just dealt with it so long, and then having the boys put things better in perspective for me. I am not tolerant of his behavior like I once was because of the boys.

Yes, a lot of this is because we are broke. When were are struggling financially, he gets totally off balance and lashes out at me and the boys. Although I understand it, I can no longer except it. Im stressed out too, but that doesn't give me a ticket to treat everybody around me like crap.

Last night I let S3 sleep with me (yes out of guilt) and H came upstairs and was mad he was in the bed. Now mind you he has always been the one who never cared if they slept with us. I had the tv off in the bedroom, so he turns it on and S3 was whining that he wanted the tv off. (he had taken a nap and I knew I was going to have trouble getting him to sleep, that's why I shut the tv off in the first place) So he was billigerent and said for him to be quiet, then calls him a brat... I said, he's not a brat because he wanted the tv off, Your miserable!

Then he says, "im acting like you". I just ignored him, and he got up and slept downstairs. Thank goodness.

He is pushing me out the door guys, It is becoming easier and easier for me to go with my plan this summer, therapy or not.

God help me I don't want it to come to that. But he truly is clueless and I cannot bear the burden anymore.

[JAK58]

[/quote]
Im so angry, angry that I let my kids down, angry that I let it get this far, angry that I quit a good job I had to help him with the business, Angry that I wasn't strong enough to leave a long time ago, Angry that now my kids life will be turned upside down.. and Its my fault, I should have done something about it.

There's nothing left in me anymore.[quote]

T,

You haven't let them down at all.
When your boys get older they will understand why you have stayed ad long as you have and worked to make your M a better one.They will understand what unconditional love is, and they will love you for that no matter what happens.

I will call you today.

JO

[NoCodeBlues]

He grew up in a house where the parents were disrespectful to each other and yelled and cursed in front of them. It was not a health relationship at all. This is what he sees as normal. I grew up with just the opposite. My parents never fought, my father barely spoke (which wasn't good either) but there wasn't any verbal abuse or otherwise going on. I remember my childhood as a happy one.

Irish, I understand where you're coming from. I will say this, however -- mostly for anyone who might use similar arguments in the wrong context -- conflict in a marriage is a given from time to time. Spouses are most definitely going to disagree on matters -- especially when they have children to raise. So disagreements and even downright arguments are to be expected.

My parents argued frequently but they loved each other enough to stay together for most of my life. So I grew up with the understanding that two people can have arguments and still demonstrate love for each other.

xW's parents did not argue, not really, at least not in a two-way fashion -- her father would always run and hide in a bottle rather than stand up for his side of an issue. So xW, being unaccustomed to most forms of marital debate, was always under the impression that arguments always meant the marriage was failing. I could never convince her that never had to be the case (yet another thing we disagreed upon. LOL.)

No two human beings, no matter how perfect their relationship or their temperaments, are going to always see eye-to-eye on every subject. It's just not possible. And if there are never any overt conflicts or disagreements, I would argue that there is a serious breakdown in communication instead, which is really worse.

Of course the WAS will try to use such conflict, however slight, to try to justify ending their M. There are certain catch-phrases I find alarming. Words like, "healthy", "resilient", "self-esteem", "we got married too young", "we got married too old", "we've never been right for each other", etc., etc. We've all heard them.

Sadly, I'm hearing all these cliches from my brother's wife as she struggles to explain why her M needs to end, all the while she's ignoring the larger picture.

And, Irish, I hate to say it, but you've started using them too. One of these is saying the R is not "healthy". Please don't take this the wrong way -- please hear me out.

The key is to resolve these inevitable conflicts constructively. Paul said to the Ephesians, "Be ye angry, and sin not; let not the sun go down upon your wrath." So anger in itself is not a sin, but we should settle any given argument and make up before the day is done. That's where we all tend to go wrong.

Okay, the sermon is over. Having said all this, I have a counterpoint...

Irish, for all that I said above to you about arguments and conflict being a natural part of any relationship, I nevertheless want to confirm to you that your H has indeed continued to cross the line. One can sympathize for his own personal plights but his continual abusive treatment of you is inexcusable. He either needs to get himself and his life back under control or you will be forced to take measures to protect yourself and your children.

The words given by Paul above is a good rule -- the arguments between you two have persisted for days and weeks at a time with no real resolution. There has been, as a result, a serious loss of respect, and a tremendous amount of resentment that has built up between the two of you.

I strongly support you in seeking therapy for the both of you. I wholeheartedly support you in your demand to him that he either work with you towards rectifying your R or else separate. You both need this desperately. And your H really, really needs to see an IC -- and a good MC will see that and make that a requirement as well.

I am stating here and now that I am a friend of both you and your M, as I know without a doubt that it is what would be best for you, your H and your S's -- if only your H will wake up. I firmly believe that MC is now your best hope to getting him to see the light before it is too late.

But mind you it's not going to be easy for you or him. Not at all. Given your H's current stupid attitude, he is likely to continue to let his bruised ego take the fore. He might very well tell you he'd rather separate than work on the M. And if that's the case, you're going to need the patience of a saint (again) to lovingly detach, allowing him the chance to discover for himself just how foolish his course has been.

But even if he does accept your offer to seek therapy, thereby accepting your help in finding a solution to his problems, it will still try your patience and his patience, to the breaking point. But I think your family is worth it. And I know you do to.

Hugs and blessings, my friend. We're here for you.

[fightingirish]

Nc~

I will be the first one to say that I know that no relationship is perfect. But believe me when I tell you that there was constant abuse in his home, I saw it for myself.

Therefore I do believe that this does spill over into his own relationships with people. Constantly putting someone down and critizing them is the way he tries to get things across to me, this is what his father did to his own mother. That is only one thing that he did. There was always drama with his parents. They were cruel to one another, and then would forget it happend. It blew my mind.

I do understand what you are saying though, I do. Its just that I have let his treatment of me continue for so long, I just can't bear it anymore, and with the kids it gets multiplied a 100x's.

I know this is my fault for letting it continue, I take full ownernship of it. But I do want to end it now and make a better life for the boys.

Don't get me wrong, its not bad all the time, just when it is bad, its really bad, and every time it happens it takes me longer and longer to come back from it. He tries to break my spirit when this goes on and has called me every name in the book, but what's bad is that Im becoming numb to it.

And you took the words right out of my mouth.. I do think he is going to be stupid and say lets seperate, because of his stubborness and his aroggance.. everything is about him. Then I don't know what the heck im going to do. I can't repair my Marriage by myself.

Ok so how do I lovingly detach?? Is that even possible??

if I do leave he will have knowone to run the business, that should be interesting, the thing is if the business goes down hill we BOTH are in trouble because this is where our income comes from...

yes my family is worth it, im just so close to running out of steam.

thanks again.

[fightingirish]

Journaling here...

Maybe I should moved back to Infid... anyways...

Today was draining. I had to do a bid that was due today on top of dealing with the attitude from h.

We only spoke of business things and that's all. S3 had speech today and was a handful. I hoping this is just a phase for him.

H calls me from his cell and tells me he's leaving to go up north for his home show. I said are staying overnight and he said yes. , I said ok whatever.. he said yea whatever.

Came home for a minute to get clothes and says goodbye to the kids and begrudgily sp? kisses me goodbye. Then I go back outside because he forgot his phone and gives me a half - azzed hug.

That was it.

He's cold as ice. But I really didn't expect anything different. I just need to get through this wk and wkend.

I don't even know when he's coming back, But I think tomorrow night. Not sure though.

This is all so depressing. I just hope he still has a right mind to stay faithful, and that this is not an excuse for him to stray. Im just worried.

[NoCodeBlues]

I would bet his ego is getting in the way of any displays of well-deserved contrition. The pettiness we see in his foolish actions speaks of a man who is trying much too hard to suppress his humility.

"Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall."

Again, I am sorry that this is happening to you, Irish. Your H is allowing his pride to blind him to the sad fact that he is frittering away that which is undoubtedly the best things that have or ever will happen to him -- namely, you and your children.

I am speaking as a man who knows this all too well myself.

[fightingirish]

Well its 1:40 am here, can't sleep. So many things rattling in my head. Do I stay or go. This whole thing is making me old fast.

I don't want to be this old woman who regrets the decision I made by staying, or regretting the fact that I didn't try harder. I know Im not really making any sense, but there it is.

nc, Yes his ego is a big problem. Everything has always been about him. Now that we have two boys, its not about him, its about them. Even the nice things he does for me is just a gesture that he wants credit for and shows it off to anyone who will listen "look what I did for my wife" He's looking for recognition, getting a thank you and affection from his family isn't enough.

Case in point, last year this time, he made me a scrap book for mother's day. Pictures of me with the kids and himself. He was proud of it, and yes it was probably the nicest thing he's ever done, BUT He then asked me every day for a week, "did you show xxx the book I did" , "did you show mrs. xxx the nice thing I did for you"... I was like, what does it matter, wasn't it enough just do something nice for me and leave it at that... nope. He does things half heartdly, not really meaning to do them for me, but in some way for him to get credit for doing it at all. Make sense?

Then I go back and forth to just think about being by myself. Im not to upset about that, but I will have to except the fact that it may be for a long time. Who the heck wants to be with someone with baggage, + 2 little boys. Not many I supposed. And will I be able to handle it if he does find someone else, which no doubt he will because he can't be alone. I get anxiety just thinking about that.

Oh, what to do. I don't plan on making any rash decisions, unless things really get where they are unbearable. Right now he's not here, he's got work next week so we won't see too much of him, which is good for us right now.

Thanks nc.. I know that you have been through a lot. One of the differences between you and my H is that you are/were willing to fight for your W, and have become a better person for it. My h is too much of a stubborn azz to see through his fog.