You've no idea how comforting it was to just read your post, that you're still married and here to try to help people thru this. I went to C today and while he is very pro-marriage, he doesn't see why I should continue to put up with all H is doing. By the time I left, I was really questioning if there was anything to DB other than preparing myself for life alone and if I am a fool for sticking around. Maybe it's my codependency that's making me stick with a relationship that isn't worth fighting for? I think those are things I'll continue to evaluate, but I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet.
There is more to our historical sitch that I haven't gotten around to posting and maybe now is the time. I think it will help me to journal it and may help someone else give me better advice.
After dating in high school, thru college and a year after we got married (7 yrs dating). In a period of 7 years, H lost his dad (military casualty), his only sibling (freak accident) and 3 grandparents. He never dealt with any of that. The entire 22 years I've known him, he's only cried 3 times and he refuses to talk about his dad or his sister at all. After we had our first child is when we both acknowledge that things began to fall apart. I was a superstar at the company where we both worked and was being promoted like crazy. While he won't admit it, I believe that was hard for him (especially since we worked for same company). He didn't want to grow up and continued to party and not be involved as much as a dad as I would have liked and I didn't cut him any slack. Eventually, we moved 2 times for his career and I let mine take a backseat, thinking that would help the R and our family (more time for me with boys). But over the next 7 years we just continued to grow apart.
Three years ago, I almost became a WAW. I was fed up feeling like a single mom with H to take care of also, felt H was being emotionally abusive to kids, etc. After trying (I thought) to talk about it, trying to get H into MC, etc. I filed for D. I was influenced by well-intentioned family and friends and a L that convinced me there was no other option. After filing, I changed my mind and one night we just started talking and it led to reconciliation. I committed then that I would never again leave or use D as an option. BUT, big mistake was we didn't get into MC and really didn't deal with any of the issues. Also, I was never able to really get beyond what H had done and see all the MANY ways I contributed and changes I needed to make. End result was we went back to old ways and things ended up worse than ever, leading up to EA by H and where we are today. I believe H was entering MLC before I filed and a year ago it hit full force. Or maybe what I did triggered it to go from depression to MLC?
At any rate, I feel different from many of the LBS because I knew there were problems, just didn't know how to fix them or what to do to even try. The night I found the emails between H and OW, I wanted him gone, wanted out. But then the next day an awareness began to creep over me of all the things I've done wrong and all the things I need to change and how I am not responsible for H's EA, but have played a part in the R crumbling to the point he had a void the EA filled. It's the first time in our relationship that I really was able to see past his faults and see my own. That's when I realized that if there is any way to make this work, I want a new M between us. It's also when I realized that I HAVE to not just find myself, but develop a better me. So I guess it's no wonder H left, no wonder he doesn't see any hope for M, doesn't know who I am (heck, I don't even know). But I love H, have hope and will hold onto that as long as I can.
Sorry for the long post...I'm giving Sandi and run for the longest post!
Me 39 H 38 T22/M15 S11 S7 EA Confirmed 3/11/09 Sep Weekdays Only 4/09
