The STBX called me today and asked if I wanted to get ice-cream before she moves out of state for 13 weeks. For once I didn’t say yes at the drop of the hat. I told her my days off are Tuesday through Thursday of next week. She told me she had softball on Tuesday and volleyball on Wednesday and didn’t want to miss them as this would be her last time seeing her team. I kind of chuckled at that. She kept saying she had nothing to to tomorrow, but I have court ( Im a cop) at noon and then I work 3-11. I am working a 12 hour 11-11 today. I told her I would sleep in until I had to get up for court.
She had drawn me as a guy who took her for granted for the last year and a half. It kind of kills me being coy, as Im afraid she will just take it as a sigh I’m “ not any different” I know she’s leaving no matter what for at least 13 weeks. I know we will be divorced no matter what I do now. I know shes missing me a little to ask me out for ice cream. I know I will have a hard time never loving her….or even trusting her again. I know I’m stronger then when we were married, and I know I owe her thanks for that.
I whish she was different to my thoughts. I have tried so damn hard to detach..do DB. I failed on a lot of accounts. BUT I never stopped being kind or sweet or just plain better. I never stopped showing her silently I was LISTENING. I just whished she did. I whish she truly looked at me I whish she saw the man who asked her out over a decade ago. I whish I was the person everyone else compliments in her eyes
But I’m not. That has to be ok. I have to learn to enjoy the others in my life. I thought this would get easier but its not. I will go to ice cream and sit across from her and look her in the eye. I will NOT cry or say I love you. I will be charming. I will be better. And at the end of that day I will get the hug she gives me, and lock it away. And then I guess its all done.
