My H decided a few months ago he wanted to pursue a different, more exciting life apart from me with a group of friends that live far away. There was not another woman, but a group of people whose lifestyle he envied, more open, etc. I was devastated and tried to get him to counsel, etc. to no avail.
I read Divorce Busting and employed those techniques and for the most part stayed on track and they did work. H told me a couple of weeks ago that he wanted our marriage to work and would be giving our marriage his full attention. That was right before he went to visit his friends again. When H came back he was excited to see me but I noticed a shift in H that seemed to be more in line with his previous behavior. I questioned if H felt he was not 100% sure he wanted to commit to our marriage or having second thoughts. H answered yes. I had expected his answer to be yes but it hurt nonetheless. Unfortunately I lost it and came unglued. I told him I could not go back to the way we were. H indicated he still wants our marriage to work but won't fully commit to me and found that may be he was wrong to abandon his idea of starting a new life.
We both live and work together and the days have been tense. There is no way for us to separate and keep our jobs and this job market/economy in no way helps. Although I want our marriage to work I don't know if I can go back and suck it up.
I should probably be happy H is staying and showing interest and love towards our marriage but I have remarked to him how difficult it is to live with someone that is thinking/pursuing another life while with me. I told H I should go find another place to live and H told me that would be an emotional response and not beneficial to our financial/work situation. So I gave him an ultimatum me or his friends and he asked me not to do that, not to give an ultimatum. H indicated he wants our marriage to survive but is not giving up his friends. By the way, it is already a non option to stay married and for him to visit his group of friends (long distance). H has basically made it an all or nothing option through his actions/words. So, I am in the position of compromising my feelings and staying and continuing my DB'ing techniques; or, going dark. Feedback would be very much appreciated.
Michele
Me 42 married in 1993, together 22 years H 41 H about a year ago started connecting with friends and drifting away from our marriage/friendship H two weeks ago wanted to reconcile H a week ago having second thoughts about reconciling
I'm sure you'll get some great advice here. I can really relate to the "friends" thing and my h's other life really calls him. When he spends time out of town, he comes back very tentative.
If you are still in it, know that there is something there that is not in your M, do you know what it is? Does he talk to you about those friends and how he spends the time with them. Are they (like my H's friends) totally different from you?
Can you give him some time and space to re-enter without pursuing the issue? It is normal for them to be different after they've had time away.
I really feel for you. H and I have been getting closer and he is about to leave town for 3 weeks and I know it will set us back some.
You are lucky that he wants to work on the M. Can you validate his ambivalence? I mean even now you can undo some damage just by relating to his feelings.
I know others will chime in soon but these are my initial thoughts.
Sorry it is so hard. I've been feeling that purgatory feeling for a long time.
{{Chel}} Welcome and sorry to see you here but there are some great people on this board who will help. Read other's posts and pick up ideas that you can apply to your situation. Good luck!!
Me-44 WAW-42 (ILYBNILWY) S-16 S-14 M-10/17/1992 T23 Met OM 10/10/08; Bomb 12/27/08; Moved in with OM 01/27/09 Me stronger and happier everyday!
Hi chel, Have you read anything on Mid life crises? Its happening younger and younger these days. Is there any chance that he wants to relocate and you wont agree so maybe hes trying to go the middle track?
No more freak outs. You can lose it later, now you have to stay calm and get the work done. Why are these other friends so attractive? What is it about their lifestyle does he feel like hes missing out on? And is it anything that you can help provide for him? Has he been depressed lately? Are you two stuck in a rut?
No, him walking away from his M is absolutely not right, but hes trying and you are just as much responsible for trying right now too. Im just saying try to see things from his side right now, it cant hurt anything, and who knows, it might help.
Also, you dont HAVE to have him there for marriage counseling, it would help, but its not absolutely necessary, and if its something that you feel like you really need to do, then go for it.
Last edited by bluerain; 05/07/0905:32 PM.
I guess I gave the wrong finger to the wrong man...
What happened to you, I believe I responded to your last thread, something about him going to Canada, Montreal or something. Calm down, and start to practice what you are reading, sounds like a 180 would be to go with the flow more, go out yourself and have a good time, see if he would not want to join you without asking him.
