Learning to Detach

[kjensen]

Hi IL,
The communication class has actually been the best thing we've done together in a long time, hard-yes,but enormous strides are being taken with what we've learned.

So at lunch we talked about our least-hot 'hot topic'. Mine was friendship and feeling its been one-sided despite many, many statements by H that it was important to him and he 'would always be my friend'. H shared that from the bottom of his heart he believed we would always be friends and that I'd been his best friend as long as he can remember. He got teary several times during our talk.. He says he's been being distant b/c he doesn't know where the line is from what we were to 'just' being friends and he doesn't want to give me false hope or raise my expectations.

H wanted to talk about and share how he has felt his life become mundane and focused on the unimportant over the years. How we both focused on running a household and forgot to connect..How he wants to be more active, find a job that pays better than his self-employed income and increase his feelings of self-worth. Some of this I feel is a bit MLC-like, some is definitely more personal to him/us and related to the invisible downslide of our marriage as we focused on the'unimportant' things..

Overall it was an emotional and good discussion. We both did pretty well doing our active listening..

H did tell me that he realizes he hurt me and he never meant to and he doesn't know how to right this. That was nice to hear!
I told H I didn't expect things to be righted.(But of course, now I'm thinking of all kinds of ways he could make it 'righter'!! :-))

Mixed messages still abound! After all that sharing and closeness, I held H's hand for part of the conversation and he said he always liked that, but wasn't sure where it fit in our new relationship..I hugged him at the end..
Then he retreated to his office. He didn't get up to say goodbye or really look me in the eye(I won't see him until he and the girls pick me up at the airport Saturday night)...Ah the rollercoaster ride of life/MLC!

The physical withdrawal hits me hard too! I just try to remember its more about H's (dis)comfort level than about how he feels about me. I'm trying to keep my chin up, trying to remain calm, centered and patient-its going to be a long haul!

I hope H has fun with the girls too. It'll be the most time he's spent with them since he moved out in January. Thanks for your kind/supportive thoughts! I probably won't post much til I get back home-no computer with me.

IL: One thought about the EA/possibly turning into a PA with your H. I used to believe that once my H had a PA our marriage was over. In fact H said I used to say this a lot(I have NO recollection of this)! Once it happened and he told me it didn't really phase me. I think the EA bothered me the most and the PA was secondary/ Of course if I let my imagination go it does bother me alot, but its not a 'dealbreaker' like I used to think. You may find you feel different than you think you will if/when your H has a PA..keep an open mind for now.