Hey Kalni-- I'm sorry to hear that you're having back problems!! whoever suggested EFT I also recommend it. It is really easy to learn, there is a great demonstration at http://www.tapping.com/ plus the guy has a cute british accent.
Another awesome way to heal yourself is anusara yoga. basically you can fix anything by putting yourself back into alignment. there are a bunch of free classes up (and they post new ones all the time) at http://www.yogatoday.com. Neesha Zollinger is the anusara yoga teacher... the same style I do.
I once read a poem written by a Chemistry professor that said simply: "People copulate, and the molecule remembers ...".
Perhaps H's bad reaction in the car the other day is a conditioned defensive response, ... he somehow has to trust you and unlearn. The other side of the coin is the 'old you' may still be lurking below the surface.
Yes of course there is. But I hope I dont come across as cold and hard as I used to be because really I am not anymore. alive&kicking asked how I tried to change. Actually my change about that, started before H left or even dropped the bomb. But I was changing in other areas of my life, work, friends, parents, not with him. And we didnt spend enough time together for him to even notice the difference that WAS slowly happening.
I am sure he expects me to snap at him more often that I realise.But 2 years now, I have been very consistent with that. And I have been angry at him and told him on occasions, but I tried to explain my anger and talked about it and didnt attack him to just "win". One side of me that I 've lost contact with lately, sadly, is the romantic, dreamy, trusting side of me that I had found last year. But that only harms me, he has shown no interest sharing my dreams or being romantic at all and definitely no interest at all to help me get there again...
Honestly, right now, I am not trying to explain anything anymore. All the explanations of the world do nothing for me now, I need actions I dont see. I am again full speed detaching and already feeling better. And yes it is not lovingly detaching, it's just plain, real detaching. Withdrawing, quiting, giving up, you can call it whatever you want. K
From Deida's book. There is a discussion about this on another thread and people judge by some sentences quoted. I am no great fan of Deida (just read that one book), I thought a lot of my needs were decribed in detail.
There is indeed the last chapter that talks about Yoga during intimacy which I found strange. But, for me corny words dont sound as corny since English is not my mother language and when I read a book, I get the meanings, the "main theme" lets say. Deida is definitely "special"-weird , but in many ways he agrees with alot of the things people here advise us to do. He just uses a funny way of saying it. To me it gave me a clear decsription why my M failed. Here is a part about men dealing with our moods...
[I once asked someone what would he do if I woke up one day feeling upset and being bitchy and was upset and mad at him and everybody for no particular reason. He told me "I would pinch you and kiss you and hold you tight, probably would try to make you laugh". The minute he said that to me, I smiled. Big smile. I knew if that was the case, my mood would change right that moment. Some men just are naturally "superior"...]
A man gets resentful and frustrated with his woman when he is too afraid, weak, or unskilled to penetrate her moods and tests into love. He wishes she were easier to deal with. But it is not entirely her fault that she is bitchy and complaining. It is also a reflection of her lack of being penetrated by love. When a man resigns, and simply tolerates his woman's self-destructive moods, it is a sign of his weakness. His attitude has become one of wanting to escape women and the world, rather than wanting to serve women and the world into love. A man shouldn't tolerate bitchy and complaining moodiness in his woman, but he should serve her and love her with every ounce of his skill and perseverance. Then, if she cannot or will not open in love, he might decide to end his relationship with her, harboring no anger or resentment, because he knows he has done everything he could.
The whole point of an intimacy is to serve each other in growth and love, hopefully in better ways than we can serve ourselves. Otherwise, why engage in intimacy if your growth and love are served more by living alone? Intimacy is about growing more than you could by yourself, through the art of mutual gifting.
One of the largest gifts you can give your woman is your capacity to open her heart when it is closed. Sure, she can get herself out of her dark mood, but your masculine enegry of love can brighten her darkness in a way she can't do for herself.
If you are like most men, however, you probably end up feeling burdened by your woman's mood. You feel your woman is a pain in the ass. You wish your woman would leave you alone and take care of herself. Eventually you feel worn down, or frustrated. You end up simply tolerating your woman's moods, while resentment builds inside of you. You wonder, what's her problem? Why can't she just be happy?
The feminine part of your woman is either opening in loving surrender (easy moments) or closing in what ends up being an emotional test of your capacity to open her (difficult moments). This cycle of the feminine is like all cycles in nature: it never ends. The sooner you learn to embrace and dance with these moods of closure, the sooner both of you will grow beyond the psychodrama and see the humor of the play.
Instead of tolerating your woman's moods of closure and complaint, open her moods with your skillful loving. It is your gift to give. Both of you will grow more by your giving than by your tolerating. A superior man sees his woman's moods not as a curse, but as a challenge and an amusement.
There are many ways to creatively deal with her moods and help her to open. Tickle her. Take off your clothes and dance the watusi. Sing opera for her. Make animal sounds. Shout at her louder than you ever have and then kiss her passionately. Lift her off the ground and spin her around. Occasionally, talking with her helps, but not as often as humor and physically expressed love.
If you have tried every creative, humorous, and powerful way of loving through her mood and she still refuses to let go of her closure, then simply relax. You have done everything you can. If you are not skillful enough to serve her, or she is not willing enough to receive your gifts, perhaps you are with the wrong woman.
Just remember that any woman you are with, if she has a feminine sexual essence, will cycle through moods of closure every day which seem to have no "reason" to them. You cannot avoid this by changing women or waiting for the moods to stop. You can only develop your skill in serving your woman into openness. It never ends though, even if you are passionate, fearless, loving, and humorous with her. The weather continually cycles through rainy and dry spells, night and day cycle in their turn, and your woman will continually cycle through openness and closure, even when her life and relationship with you seem great.
If you find yourself merely tolerating this feminine mood cycle because you have been frustrated by endless discussions that go nowhere, you can be sure that you and probably your woman are building up resentment toward each other. Don't tolerate her mood. And don't talk about it with her. Participate in it. Bloom her into fullness. Move her body with your body. Open her heart with your humor. Open her heart, again and again and again. She could do it by herself, but if she could grow more by herself than by receiving your gifts, perhaps she shouldn't be with you.
That is the part of the book I identified with, too! When I am in an 'off' mood, I would absolutely LOVE it if my husband tried to 'love' it out of me. If he came across the room, grabbed me, tickled me, kissed me, it would totally do the trick. Instead it is usually the other part of the explanation, he would just sigh and 'give up' because I was unhappy...
