I helped her out a lot yesterday. We had another great discussion today. Some other friends are going through similar issues but melting down instead (it's sad!). She commented, "You're improving and becoming stronger, but he's going the opposite". I responded with a short comment, "Yeah, maybe I just needed a kick in the butt. I decided to work on my life and do things to make myself feel good."
I think were going to try a family vacation together in July. Serious! There's going to be a lot of friends and family around. While it might be kind of confusing for them, we agreed we can show others that we can act like mature adults and show we're still committed to friendship and raising our children.
Forgiveness - just letting go makes it easier.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
She went out Friday with her friend. We exchanged a funny text message or two about it.
Saturday was very busy. Late afternoon we went over to the neighbors' for bbq and drinks. She brought her friend over and we socialized for a while.
I got a call in the middle of the party from a buyer who wanted close the deal on my bike. I pushed the bike out of the garage and started it up then D11 came running over. She was in tears that the bike was going away. I explained to her that "taxes happen" and I would get a new one end of this season or maybe next. We went for one last spin around the block then I took off.
After the party was over, W and I had a good talk. She said D11 was heartbroken and cried for almost an hour about the bike going away. It's wasn't about the bike; she was responding to the impending sep.
W said she was really sad about what was happening but proud of me for making changes in my life and staying positive. She said none of this healing and improvement would have happened without this process and I agreed. It was the kick in the butt I needed to evaluate my life and marriage. She began to cry and told me she loved me. I told her I loved her too. I told her no matter what happens we've been together for too long to abandon one another and I will always respect her and treat her like a family member. We apologized for all the legal BS we were discussing and told each other we would simply take it slow and trust one another. Whatever happens, we will grow through this. More hugs, more tears.
Next day we helped each other out with kid events, ate dinner together as a family. Our family went together to see the house I would be renting and talk to the occupants (friends of mine) about buying some of the furniture. She loved the house and joked about how her best friend moving in will try to steal it because it's soooo her style. She asked how long the lease is. Month to month. hmmmm... At the end of the day we watched a tv movie together and shared a glass of wine (first time in four months).
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
LuckyGirl said: "Also: You mention that a BFF is moving in? As in your W's best friend? Is that right? If so, BIG MISTAKE. HUGE. I would recommend that you reverse the plans for that it ASAP. There is only room for 2 adults in a marriage. She's already too involved with the organization stuff."
Yeah, W's best friend and she will certainly change dynamics. I already have a lot of concerns. I have to be careful not to worry about things that haven't happened yet but I've taken a peek forward to think a little.
BFF is a long-time friend relocating from another state. She's changing jobs and taking a few months off before starting. She is also going thru a divorce but it's not going so well. It started out as a joint decision but now her H is crashing bad and she wants far away.
Thoughts:
- W already knows I'm not happy about BFF moving into house. I've already stated my position.
- BFF will be watching kids during summer daytimes until she starts full time. D has a few weeks of camp. That helps us out with budget.
- BFF will kick my bum in household organization but she gets carried away almost to an obsessive level. Whatever. I never promised perfection.
- I'm concerned about BFF making herself too much at home. I hope our sep will only be temporary. I won't be crazy about moving back into a pink kitchen.
- Kids. She's welcome to help but not to start parenting. That's our job. She has no children of her own. W had aunt who was similar; no kids but helped a lot. BFF and I have discussed this a bit.
- I don't want BFFs troubles and views on marriage and D to influence us. Something good is starting to happen between W and I. As long as my W can see the difference in the sitch'es then things will go OK. I will continue to be a good dad and let my actions speak for themselves.
- BFF is a little over the top in some areas. More MLC. Short-term fling going on. (W and I have discussed this and we agree she's headed for a bad hangover).
- I'm wondering how BFF and W will get along after a while? BFF and W are good friends but living as a roomate is a different story. One is a slob, the other is a neat freak. They are both strong willed.
- I'll let W know that if she ever she's tired and wants to get away then my door always is open. I'll be there for her. C'mon over and hang out.
- W thinks BFF will want the house I'm living in. That's a good thing. If this sep is temporary (and I'm optimistic) then it could be a good opportunity to switch.
So I guess my overall approach is to keep db'ing, gal, etc. be strong. be compassionate, continue to be my wife's best friend. Be friendly yet firm with BFF.
It's could be harder to deal with the third wheel than our own issues but I'll try not to allow it to become a wedge.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
OK - I've read through everything and I will try to organize all of my thoughts here.
I'm sorry that you haven't gotten more attention during this difficult time.
Her texting and Facebook and the other guy... She is playing the field. Whether she has found someone or not, her attentions are elsewhere.
I worry about your depression and how this has affected your life (lack of passion in marriage (no fighting is not necessarily a good thing,) WAW, Chap 13.) Your posts present as "flat," and I would guess that you present similarly in person. Are you on any kind of therapy? Are you in counseling? What about lifestyle? Alcohol/drug use? Do you exercise?
Please cut out any alcohol or drugs and start exercising at least 3 times per week. This would be the quickest, cheapest, most effective, and healthiest approach to helping you build your vibrancy and vigor. YOU NEED THIS FOR YOURSELF, FOR YOUR KIDS, AND FOR YOUR WIFE.
You are not ready to push on intimacy right now. You need to work on yourself first and you need her back with you, committed for good. Your W is noticing that you are making immediate improvements -- excellent. But, she is still all systems go with the separation and the BFF moving in.
The BFF will likely run its course. There is only room for one queen in each castle, I believe. They'll be at each other's throats quickly. HOWEVER: You do not want your W taking advantage of you and coming to your house to get relief. You want her coming over because she misses you and wants to be with you.
What are you doing to GAL? Part of this could be the exercise that I am URGING you to do. Perhaps try martial arts if you are bored with the gym. What are your other interests? You MUST get out of the house and do things with humanity. This will make you a better person for you (and a role model for your kids) as well a a successful DB'er. Thoughts on this?
Your kids need to be protected through this. I'm sensing that they know what's going on. I hope this was communicated in a loving way, and I hope that you are watching them for signs of distress. A couple of counseling sessions might be a good idea to help guage how their coping.
Does your W understand that you will not tolerate infidelity now or during your separation?
Stay positive, stay kind, stay dignified. No matter what.
- Yes I am in therapy. I see a psychologist to discuss the situation and for cognitive behavior therapy. I also got my meds reevaluated by a psychiatrist. Big difference now! I feel like I CAN do things. I've probably been been dysthymic for several years but haven't been able to break it until now. P-doc and I will work on ADD strategies in a few months, but taking care of depression is first priority.
- I have a drink socially here and there but otherwise try to avoid alcohol.
- Exercise. Yes. Makes a big difference. I'm an avid cyclist and runner. When I've been burned out in the past my exercise dropped off and I started feeling bad. It's spring and I'm getting out. The best Rx for depression and ADD is exercise.
Martial arts is HER scene. Triathlon is mine. In some areas of our lives we've given each other space so we're not in competition with each other. If I tried MA then I would probably try a diff dojo and form.
- I do a lot of little things to make myself happy everyday. (clothes, food, reading, treats)
- Yes, I'm happy she's noticing changes but I'm remaining patient because I realize long term changes are the key. I work on stuff now but keep my eyes on the horizon 6 months to 1 year out.
- GAL. Working on activities. Socializing more. Joined an outdoor group. Appointed to the board of another local group.
- I've also suspected the same about BFF thing running it's course. I'll make sure W comes over for the right reasons.
- Kids are in counseling. S acts out a little and throws tantrums. D is doing fine. Her episode about the bike was the first times we'd seen sadness come out.
- Playing the field. Yeah, maybe. I really get the impression that she wants ATTENTION. She wants to feel beautiful. She wants to be active. I can't worry myself endlessly about this. I work on myself and remain a great guy. She'll realize the worth.
- W knows how I feel about infidelity. She knows I'm not going there and I'm not on the market. We've talked in depth about BFF's fling and how she's in for a big emotional hangover. I had a similiar rebound experience after a long relationship and the breakup was horrible because I never dealt with the end of the first relationship. We will talk again about it again. I still wear my ring (she lost her's).
- "Stay positive, stay kind, stay dignified. No matter what." Absolutely. My mantra is to "be the best man I can be."
- My mood has been pretty good lately. I feel positive.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
So good to read all that you do for yourself. Excellent!
Maybe one day in the future you'll have a good reason to replace the ring she lost. I hope so.
For now, keep being the best man she'll ever know! And, keep posting updates. Her remarks and behaviors are loaded with important clues that will help you find your way.
"My actions are my only true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand." Thich Nhat Hanh
