The adventure continues--part 5

[gucci loafer]

Gucci, if you're out there, I re-read what wrote about when a woman backs off you back off equal distance.

Correct. Your wife is backed off on "moving home." You should be telling her that you aren't sure either. You should be saying that you don't know if it would work either. (WHICH IS TRUE)
You should be telling her that you just don't know anymore what you think. This takes the pressure off. (remember the "no pressure rule?")

You DO NOT act mean. You DO NOT act rude. You DO NOT act punitive. You are ALWAYS NICE. She has to wonder if YOU have given up on the whole situation. If you act angry or disgusted or like you want to give an ultimatum, then you will go backward.
If you tell her that "someday you will be sorry", then you are appearing weak....

You need to let her think that you NOW have other things (I still say you need to bring jealousy into the picture) going on that are starting to consume your thoughts. This is why you get off the phone first, end conversations first, let her contact you and so on......

It shows STRENGTH. She is practically begging you to do this.
Remember.. Subconsciously she KNOWS what she has done is wrong.
Deep down she feels bad, but YOU have allowed her to shift the blame by not having enough male backbone to call her out on ONE HUGE THING....

"I WILL NOT SHARE MY WIFE WITH ANOTHER MAN AND IF YOU CAN'T DECIDE, THEN I WILL DECIDE FOR YOU. IF YOU CHOOSE HIM, THEN SO BE IT, BUT YOU CAN'T HAVE ME TOO"..........

That can only be done effectively with the attitude I have been encouraging you to adopt. It shows backbone, strength and male toughness and high self esteem. "I will be perfectly fine without you, and as a matter of fact, maybe this IS for the best."

YOU can't see that?

No matter what she says about coming home or whether it would work or not or whether "you" have changed...

Your answer is still basically the same....
"Yes, maybe you are right. Maybe it wouldn't work. I am feeling the same way."

Then SHUT UP.. Please.. just be quiet. Let her FEEL that you feel the same way. It is a MUCH more effective way of validating than the "I am sorry you feel that way"...(which actually isn't really validating as much as it is STILL saying you don't agree with their stance, which keeps them distant)


The OM is STILL in the picture in one way or another.

[AFWAW]

You should be telling her that you aren't sure either.

I will when and if the opportunity presents itself again. The hardest thing for me at this point is patience.

You DO NOT act mean. You DO NOT act rude. You DO NOT act punitive. You are ALWAYS NICE.

I have been nice pretty much through the whole sitch. She commented in fact that I was just amazing in how I responded to the sitch.

You need to let her think that you NOW have other things (I still say you need to bring jealousy into the picture) going on that are starting to consume your thoughts. This is why you get off the phone first, end conversations first, let her contact you and

Funny you should mention this. She commented that she was talking to a "friend" from a school she went to the other night and how he needed a woman to talk to. It almost feels like she is DBing me at this point by trying to play the jealousy card. It may be a little more difficult for me but I will attempt this.

The OM is STILL in the picture in one way or another.

I'm sure you're right, I just hope it's in her mind that he's in the pic and not physically at this point.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

AFWAW,
Sounds like you are doing well with money and should she stop paying the other bills you will be okay...correct? Recommend you pay off the joint credit card and cancel. You do not want to find out the limit was maxed out. If you can anything you have joint take your name off. If you can file for legal separation any bills she has while you are living apart you will not have to share. Then try to get ahead on what bills you can and save enough to get by for 6 or so months should you decide to retire fi you do not make SMSgt this year...think twice about turning down Mt Home if you get promoted...the board memebers like to promote the "well-rounded" member that has move positions every 3-5 years and has breath of experience...although there is nothing to be embarassed at if you retire as a SMSgt the pay for CMSgt is much better. Do you have other bills such as vehicles you can pay off? If so do it. Your daughters college fund? Better it go to her instead of a divorce settlement. If you have these things take care of then you really need to think of moving on to the next step...legal issues.

Confirm custody of your daughter...your wife is not acting in a manner that she should influence your daughter right now...I wonder what your wife would tell your daughter in 10 years if her husband was having an affair on her? Once you get primary custody you can start working on your relationship.

Do not give her anything to hold against you...you have to accept the fact she doesn't deserve you right now to give yourself an opportunity to heal your emotions. The time you spent in Iraq changed you even if you do not realize it...your view on your life is different when you come back and the "Leave it to Beaver" and romance that you might have expected is not reality. For you or your wife. Being mil/mil myself I can tell you the one left behind has it very hard and the feeling of useless can be overwhelming. That was one of the reasons for the Hearts Apart program and the mandatory brief on your return. An unusual high percentage of military couples were having problems after deployments...I tell you this not to discourage you but to encourage to use your tools. You have said nothing about the Chaplin or the Airman & Family Readiness Center...check them out.

If you have any questions please ask...always remember that you and only you can decide when this is over...you must not forget, as you W alreadys has, that your decisions can impact your daughters life. My PSA for today...enjoy life with your daughter and giver her some slack, not too much, for she is hurting too and doesn't have the life experience you have to deal with it, stay away from the booze, try to get 100 on your PT test, start preparing yourself for retirement even if you make SMSgt, consider church ( I hesitate to mention this but think about it this Sunday, ask your daughter, she may want to go but is embarassed to ask), and go do something you wanted to do but did not because you W did not want to. Take care

V/R,

Hoop,

I just wanted to pop in and tell you what a BLESSING you are. I always believed that at every step of my painful and difficult sitch two summers ago, God was sending me the people that I needed in my life, on a daily basis, to help me.

"There is wisdom in many counselors."

God bless you, and I pray that AF is helped by your wise counsel.

Puppy

[AFWAW]

Puppy,
You are correct. You have been great as well.

Thanks very much!

[Chel]

Hello.

My H decided a few months ago he wanted to pursue a different, more exciting life apart from me with a group of friends that live far away. There was not another woman, but a group of people whose lifestyle he envied, more open, etc. I was devastated and tried to get him to counsel, etc. to no avail.

I read Divorce Busting and employed those techniques and for the most part stayed on track and they did work. H told me a couple of weeks ago that he wanted our marriage to work and would be giving our marriage his full attention. That was right before he went to visit his friends again. When H came back he was excited to see me but I noticed a shift in H that seemed to be more in line with his previous behavior. I questioned if H felt he was not 100% sure he wanted to commit to our marriage or having second thoughts. H answered yes. I had expected his answer to be yes but it hurt nonetheless. Unfortunately I lost it and came unglued. I told him I could not go back to the way we were. H indicated he still wants our marriage to work but won't fully commit to me and found that may be he was wrong to abandon his idea of starting a new life.

We both live and work together and the days have been tense. There is no way for us to separate and keep our jobs and this job market/economy in no way helps. Although I want our marriage to work I don't know if I can go back and suck it up.

I should probably be happy H is staying and showing interest and love towards our marriage but I have remarked to him how difficult it is to live with someone that is thinking/pursuing another life while with me. I told H I should go find another place to live and H told me that would be an emotional response and not beneficial to our financial/work situation. So I gave him an ultimatum me or his friends and he asked me not to do that, not to give an ultimatum. H indicated he wants our marriage to survive but is not giving up his friends. By the way, it is already a non option to stay married and for him to visit his group of friends (long distance). H has basically made it an all or nothing option through his actions/words. So, I am in the position of compromising my feelings and staying and continuing my DB'ing techniques; or, going dark. Feedback would be very much appreciated.

Michele

Me 42 married in 1993, together 22 years
H 41
H about a year ago started connecting with friends and drifting away from our marriage/friendship
H two weeks ago wanted to reconcile
H a week ago having second thoughts about reconciling

[EnoughAlready]

MAKE IT UNCOMFORTABLE. MAKE HER FEEL THAT SHE'S LOST YOU. MAKE HER SCARED.

I don't think she'll be scared, that's the problem. I think she's seen it's easy for her to get a man.

Yeah, but I wonder what kind of men she has attracted so far? You have to remember, it's ALWAYS easy for women to find men to sleep with...it's QUALITY men that are hard to come by.

This may hurt, but I think if a man who looks better than you, makes more money than you and treats her a little better than you do comes along, she will not come back. She's keeping you around until a better option becomes available.

Sorry, John, and I know you don't want to hear this, but I agree with Lucky. Don't sell yourself short. There are a lot of women out there who would love to be with you. You deserve better.

[PMA_Baby!]

Unfortunately, by her history I have to agree. You want to be with someone that wants to be with you out of love not convenience. Hopefully, she wises up soon. I know you are starting to question your future together like I did.

Gd Luck. PMA

[AFWAW]

This may hurt, but I think if a man who looks better than you, makes more money than you and treats her a little better than you do comes along, she will not come back. She's keeping you around until a better option becomes available.

That does hurt but I know it could be true. Oh hell, I don't know what to think at this point. I was fine this morning and now this afternoon I'm starting to get those pangs of heartache again. Hopefully I'll hear something soon either way so I can get on with my life.

[LG nm12]

Hopefully I'll hear something soon either way so I can get on with my life.

You're still waiting for HER to tell you something so that you can get on with your life??? THIS IS NOT WHAT SHE WANTS.

Please get there.

Lucky

[AFWAW]

You want to be with someone that wants to be with you out of love not convenience.

I don't think she was with me out of convenience before and I hope that she won't be in the future--I don't think she doesn't love me--I think she doesn't know what she wants at this point and is highly confused. I think she is shocked in how I reacted to the whole sitch. I believe she expected me to never want to see her again.

Hopefully, she wises up soon. I know you are starting to question your future together like I did.

God, I hope so as I am miserable at this point due to her indecision and the whole damn sitch. While I am questioning our future together I remain optimistic for a life with her that would be wonderful--she just has to choose it--I know we could start fresh and really enjoy being married. I can see that and I pray that she can see that and chooses that.