It's all ablazin'....

[blindsided1]

FG - that was an interesting article. I think I always knew the premise, but didn't really understand it as well as I do after reading that. So, basically...if I stop treating him like he's an incompetent, idiot, that isn't as smart as me, and can't do anything right, including taking care of his responsibilities....maybe, just maybe....he'll start acting like a competent, intelligent, smart, responsible, dependable, father and ex-husband?

So, regarding the UI money. What if when I see him, I just ask how the job search is going....sympathize with him. Ask him how the battle goes with UI. If he says he still isn't receiving any money...I'll just look at him & say okay". Then go get it through the DA. If I fight him for the money...and tell him I know...he'll just get defensive and mean. But, if I say "Ok", I think he'll know that I know. Who knows. I hate this sh!t

[blindsided1]

volley - that is how I feel...like addressing him directly. But, I know him...he'll start calling me names and all kinds of stuff. That money should be going to our daughter and our bills that he stuck me with. But, he is 1) selfish and 2) she is cracking the whip around there...guaranteed. So, not sure how to go about doing this. I'm trying to figure out the best way to do it without treating him disrespectfully. I would love it if he would just do the right thing. I don't need all that money right now, but a nice little chunk of it could take care of my car payment, formula and diapers for K and some daycare costs. If I can just get on my feet again...I would feel so much better. I am so stressed out about the money that I wake up all night long. I wake up totally tense, I can barely move, my back is stiff, my shoulder hurts, I worry. He has caused a lot of problems for me. He could fix some of that right now.

[Startingover2]

I would write him an email stating how much he owes you in back CS and request that when he gets his UI he pays it. If he doesn't then you have a record that you tried to be cordial and he chose for that money to go somewhere else.

I really think that the nice thing isn't going to work with your H. He knows he is in trouble with the cs, but doesn't think you will ever do anything about it so he will carry on this way. I hardly think he is going to wake up one day and tell himself to be a stand up guy and pay his cs to you. He will need to be forced by a judge.

[Forrest Gump]

"But, how do you ignore the issue about the car seat? That's my daughter's safety."

I understand what you are saying. This is one of those things that needs to be addressed. You should also be writing it down.

It is going to come down to how you deliver it. The idea would be to get your point across without seeming confrontational. Pulling him to the side where it is just you and him and saying.. this is what you did and I need to have your assurance this is not going to happen again. Make your arguments with "I" statements. Not with "you" statements.

"Advice?"

The money he got really does not matter. I am gonna take a hard line here and encourage you to get the court thing going. You can ask for him to repay you.. but don't do it more than once. Also keep in mind that if you take late payments from someone.. you are in a sense giving them "credit". As far as CS goes you need to stay on top of it with the courts.

"So, basically...if I stop treating him like he's an incompetent, idiot, that isn't as smart as me, and can't do anything right, including taking care of his responsibilities....maybe, just maybe....he'll start acting like a competent, intelligent, smart, responsible, dependable, father and ex-husband?"

Maybe. The one thing I can say for sure is that you will be a much more pleasant person to be around. That sounds like a "win" to me. Or at the very least he will become dependable. Think about the energy you are wasting by not doing this.

"So, regarding the UI money. What if when I see him, I just ask how the job search is going....sympathize with him. Ask him how the battle goes with UI. If he says he still isn't receiving any money...I'll just look at him & say okay". Then go get it through the DA. If I fight him for the money...and tell him I know...he'll just get defensive and mean."

Hmm.. and here you are telling me you don't know how to do all this stuff and you don't understand. That seems completely reasonable to me.

"I would write him an email stating how much he owes you in back CS and request that when he gets his UI he pays it."

Do it in person and just write it down. Not saying that the email is wrong.. I just don't know that it is that important to document it. He has not paid.. you can prove that by showing your bank records. It's up to him to prove he has paid his "dues" she could walk into court and say he has never paid anything.. and guess what.. unless he can prove he has.. he will have to pay it all over again.

"I really think that the nice thing isn't going to work with your H."

And this is a possibility. All I am going to say is that what she is doing right now.. is not working either. Again I think that the act of being "nice" will be fake for a while.. but it will get more "real" as time goes on. If all she does is slow down his reactions (name calling/being a DA in General) by 5% I would be thrilled with that and I suspect she would be too.. cause she will be upset 5% less.

[blindsided1]

Well, lo and behold.....H just called. He wanted to know when our next courtdate was. I told him that I didn't know we had another courtdate. They hadn't given me one when I went down there. So, he says when did you file the paperwork? And, I told him that I was just waiting on him to finish up his end of it. He went ballistic. He said that he doesn't know what he needs to finish. I told him that he should ask his lawyer or paralegal or whoever and to let me know so I can file my end of things. Then I asked him how the job search was going. He told me that he was working for a staffing agency. I asked how the UI issue was going and he told me that it hadn't come through yet. I know that's a lie. I just said "Oh,It hasn't come through, huh? Okay". He got off the phone so fast my head was spinning. So, I called him back and I said "Oh, H, by the way..I just wanted to give you a heads up so you're not blindsided....the court told me that I have to go through CSS to get the child support garnished. So, don't freak out if you get some paperwork from the DA's office. He flew off the handle..."I'm so sick of all this sh!t. The court is screwing us around. I'm getting screwed with CS. I just want this all to be done with." I said, "Me too. I know it has been so crazy and screwy. But, all you have to do is go finish up your part and then I can finish my part and it will be done." ...all calm like. I said, "I just don't know what else to do about the cs. I can't pay the bills. I've already borrowed money from people. I need formula and diapers and can barely make the daycare payments". This way, you don't have to worry about giving me the money, it'll just come out of your check." He starts complaining..."I can't believe this. They're going to add on the back child support like they did in the beginning. They'll put that ontop of the $800 I already owe you in arrears." I said, "Yes, they probably will. But, they can't take anything until you start working or get a job. So, why worry about it now? I was hoping that UI would have come through by now and you could start giving me some money. But, they haven't and I don't know what else to do. I haven't filed the paperwork, yet. So, maybe they'll come through soon here and you can start paying some of it. And, we can see how that goes." He got all upset "whatever, whatever. I don't understand why you need to garnish my wages." I just said, "H, you are the one that filed the wage garnishment paperwork at your last employer. I didn't file that, you did." So, then I asked him about picking up his daughter on Friday and was calm and unopposing.

So, now I have given him a chance to come clean about the UI money and start paying CS. I'll be interested to see if he gives me some money on Sat. It's not going to stop me from going to CSS. I just trust him to keep it up. But, maybe I'll get a little for now if he feels like I won't do it if he starts paying me.

What do you think? Did I do okay? He got off the phone with me and didn't call me any names or anything. Just said, "goodbye".

[blindsided1]

FG - I just emailed you. Also, in regards to the car seat. I did send him an article showing how dangerous it is to have her front facing as opposed to rear facing. In the email. I just asked him to read the article and use his judgement. That I know he wants K to be as safe as possible. And, that I won't talk to him about the issue again. He is her parent, too and will do what's best for her. I doubt he read the article. But, I AM trying to be more diplomatic, unconfrontational and more "respectful". Comments?

[Forrest Gump]

"What do you think? Did I do okay?"

I got a little worried when you started talking about calling him back but I think you pulled that off pretty well. It leaves him some wiggle room. Yes.. you did alright there.

Keep it up. Make the decision to keep doing it.

[blindsided1]

Thank you. I actually felt kinda good that I didn't fly off the handle and accuse him of lying. Instead, stayed calm and gave him some "wiggle room"...exactly. So, I'll keep you posted. Thanks for helping. Sadly, I did a little dance I was so proud of myself. Am I really that bitchy? God, I guess I am sometimes. It's good to try and look at it from his eyes. That article helped.

[blindsided1]

OMG. I just got off the phone with him less than two hours ago and he rushed down to the courthouse to figure out which form he forgot to file. He calls me to ask me which form it is. They figured it out and then he says to me "okay, I'll take care of it right now, so file your forms anytime". Why is he in such a rush? Seriously? It hurts to know he just wants this divorce no matter what. And, I don't even know why it still hurts when I don't want him anyway. But, it does. But, there was no way I was going to let him know that. I just said "okay, no problem. I'll take care of it. Bye"

[blindsided1]

I know he is getting ready to marry her. That is her reward, if you can call it that. Why does it still hurt if I don't want him back? It shouldn't be hurting. I should be laughing. How sad that he is so much more trapped than he ever was with me. Sad, but I hope the claustrophobia (sp?) weighs on him tremendously.