alien invasion II

[BeingMe]

I don't know if I did my best;

You did your best under the circumstances you faced. Don't downplay the effort you put into saving your M and your family. As for blame --- we all are guilty of a portion of a failed M. Some of us, however, prefer to turn to an outside source for comfort and that turns into an A. Your XH did that and he was WRONG! And, he is completely to blame for that. (Not sure about the circumstances of your first M, so can't comment, but just because you are a common denominator, doesn't mean you are all to blame ---- I repeat, your XH turned outside the M and that trumps all, in my book.)

It's hardly worth your while reflecting too much on what you could or couldn't do. Don't be too hard on yourself ---- be gentle to HM. She's been through hell and survived. Give yourself a chance to just be. After all, you have that job to look for, your daughter to take care of, so just take it easy and give yourself a break.

I also think you should write that letter, even if it's not sent. But, wait awhile ... give yourself a month or so to breath free air.

Just my thoughts. Take care.

[hoosiermama]

Thanks, BeingMe. The real reason I need to look at my part of the failed marriage is because I will just repeat the same mistakes over and over until I figure out what they are and how to avoid them. And I need to be brutally (but kindly) honest with myself about that. I think we all need to do that, as part of our healing. To place 100% of the responsibility outside myself would be to do what my H has done--which has had terrible ripple effects for many people. And I'm better than that.

[iluvme55]

In your journey thru this and I ask because your circumstances are so much like mine....was it more difficult to let go because it was wicca woman? was wicca woman in the picture when he came into your life?
This is my problem I want to get revenge,because it's HER again,ever any thoughts of wanting to tell her off?
To just speak your mind? I have never said anything to her, no confrontations,no nothing.....when he broke off the affair the 1st time she vanished off the face of the earth.
We never saw her anywhere in town....she just disappeared.
I did call one time right after the affair came out and I told her to leave my family and husband alone and of course the same old excuse...
If you were taking care of things at home he would not of come to me.....
I told her that I was going to be the O/W in HER life because I would seduce my husband everytime he would come over..
She said this to me as if I was her bestfriend
"See that's what I am afraid off that he is going to cheat on me with you" blah blah blah,
And I told her, your F*****g A right I am doing that.That was before I was saved I used lots of cuss words sorry if I offended anyone...
I think it this had been someone else I wonder if it hadnt hit me so bad....thoughts on this anybody
And good morning to everyone....

[hoosiermama]

Here's the history, which may clarify things for you--not the same dynamic, exactly.

Back in '86, XH was in the seminary to be a Catholic priest. Well before I knew him. He was doing a summer chaplaincy rotation in a hospital, met Wicca Woman, fell in love, and left seminary--kinda in the middle of the night. A couple of months later, she dumped him. I don't believe he's ever been dumped, before or since. Because of that, and because he was basically left without any job or resources, it was a fairly traumatic course of events for him, so he talked about it quite a bit in the early days of our relationship, so I was familiar with the relationship. And he had nothing positive to say about her, or their relationship.

Fast forward to March '08. XH takes a job in a different hospital system; during his tours of nursing units, he runs into wicca woman, who is a NICU nurse at the children's hospital. He tells me all about it, with just a tiny bit too much energy; I ask, half-joking, if I should be worried. He laughs it off. Apparently he visited NICU occasionally, watching for an opportunity. A year ago this week it came--chaplains were blessing the hands of nurses (a Nurse's Week thing); he went in during the evening because it was convenient for her, and used some Druid prayers because he knew she wasn't Christian (see, isn't he just the most sensitive guy?!) Then he moved himself into NICU as the chaplain, and a week later--when she admitted feelings for him--he jumps out of the marriage, they literally decide to spend the rest of their lives together on the same day they discussed a mutual attraction; two days later he picked a fight with me and our marriage was over. Never looked back. During the few days he was not yet completely abducted, he told me he had always been in love with her, we should never have gotten married, he deserved happiness and wasn't finding it with me.

I did contact her, about a week into it. I thought I should try everything I could to save my family, and that was part of it, in my mind. I wrote a very courteous and succinct email, respectfully asking her to stop pursuing a relationship with my husband so that we could heal the marriage, and framing it as one mother to another. I got back the biggest bunch of new-age jargon about how they have a deep bond based upon common ways of seeing life, that she was there to support him and that necessarily meant she was supporting me and D13 too, that to withdraw from that relationship would be not true to the healing path she was on, and the type of person she was trying to be, and that she was praying about how "best to serve in this space." I was appalled--Lordy, she was as delusional as he was. I wrote back an even briefer note, saying that H and I also have a deep bond--we called it matrimony and parenthood, and that the way she could "best serve in this space" was to vacate it. That's the last I heard from her!!

So the circumstances are just a bit different; that's how I handled it, which wasn't very effective. I contacted her before I knew anything about DB'ing, and altho it was quite ineffective in restoring our marriage, at least I said something honest and honorable and she demonstrated just how crazy she is.

It would have been difficult no matter who it was (and I subsequently discovered a different brief but consummated emotional affair H had within the previous year).

My biggest concern with all this now is that D13 will probably very shortly have to deal with this wacko woman on a fairly regular basis--unless she dumps XH. And I have a theory that she may be the type of woman who needs to see how much a lover will sacrifice for her; she dumped him after he gave up priesthood, she may well dump him after he has sacrificed his family.

They're going out of town together this weekend to celebrate their first anniversary. Isn't that sweet?

[Andabelle]

Ugh! How did you learn that little tidbit? I hope he didn't tell your D that.

[hoosiermama]

She gathered it from things he had said, but I realized the timing. They also had a party to celebrate their 6 month anniversary.

[DanceQueen]

Hoosier...the OW is going to dump him, all in due time....but by the time it happens, you will have moved on anyway and you won't really care anymore. In fact by then, you might even feel sorry for him.

The world isn't kind to narcissists in the long run....

DQ

[Andabelle]

Yuck. They deserve each other.

How is your D feeling about things lately?

[hoosiermama]

I really don't care that much anymore. My stomach kinda drops when I realize what was happening a year ago, but I think that may always happen because I was so completely blindsided. But it just doesn't hurt so much, finally.

D13 doesn't talk much about it, and refuses when I bring it up. The best I can determine is that she's feeling a little less stress and pressure over the past few weeks--probably because she can now talk about the cats they have that she didn't think she could mention!