It's all ablazin'....

[S.T. _I Made It!]

Forrest! why would you lose respect!?!?

and hey, I got my info from For Women Only. she did surveys with hundreds of men, and one of the questions she asked was, if you had to choose between being Loved or being Respected, which would you want. they most all chose being respected. and one gentleman commented, "isn't that the same thing?"

[blindsided1]

Thanks for the advice all. I know that I need to call CSS. I didn't have to see him last weekend at all. My Mom picked K up from her visit. So, that was nice...not to be called a F'ing C*** or B!tch. I did talk to him though. I asked him if I could pick K up early on Saturday because we have a tea. He was quick to just say "why don't you just keep her this weekend?"

What?????

This from a man who has been complaining the last 10 months that I don't let him see his daughter enough. He should have her 50% of the time. What a crock of shite!!! And, last Friday, he was supposed to pick her up at school by 12 (he has been late every friday for the last few weeks, picking her up at 2). So, I told the teacher that he would be there at 2, just so they wouldn't worry when he wasn't there at noon....At 4pm..the school called and he still had not picked her up. He's working...I know it. But, the thing that sucks is that he is becoming less and less interested in being in KC's life. Everyone said this would happen.

She's adorable, though. She has two teeth and is just about to walk...I can feel it.

[Startingover2]

He doesn't want to have her that much...he just wanted it on paper so his cs was lowered. Glad you didn't have to deal with him. I don't know if I could send anyone in my family to deal with exh...they can't stand him.

[blindsided1]

My Mom tolerates him because he is K's Dad. So, today, I'm on FB and how cute the OW sent my MIL (who is a friend) a pic of her and all the kids (including my K) and it says "having fun outside with my family". She's such a b!tch. She knows that MIL and I talk on FB. I almost feel sorry for her...she has no idea that it's all fake, yet!!! And, K is NOT her family. OW is NOTHING except OW, could have been ANY woman.

[blindsided1]

I just thought how interesting it is that she says "my family" and not "our family" and her FB profile pic is her and her three boys - no pic of my H or my D. I hate that woman.

[blindsided1]

So, I have decided that I need to start really DB'ing. Not to save my M, but to save myself and my daughter...from my H. I let him get to me waaaayyyy too much. I let him treat me horribly. I was reading some of the success posts and I'm glad I'm starting to read other sitch's again. It puts a new perspective on things. What would I say if my d was in this sitch? I would probably say exactly what my Mom is telling me. Stay away from him for now. I know what pisses him off. Yesterday, I texted him regarding a notice he got from the school that he didn't bother to explain any details to me about. I asked him. He said, "I haven't read it. I'll read it and let you know tonight." He never did. So, I'll just call the school. I should have done that from the beginning. I reminded him that his turn for daycare is this Friday. I know he hates it when I remind him of things...especially when it has to do with money. But, I worry that he won't pay it and I can't cover him and then what? So, he replies "I know". I won't remind him anymore. I'll address it if the school calls me to tell me he hasn't paid. So, here are my plans. I am hoping that somewhere, anywhere down the line (preferably soon), we can actually co-parent. That is my hope. I don't want him back as my H. He hasn't done the work. He hasn't done any work. It would be a disaster in the making. I also realize that if he did come back...1) I would have to deal with the mistrust when he picks up his son for visits...I'd always wonder if they were having sex...that's what he does...I lived it first hand. 2) Financially, I would be in an even worse sitch than I am now. 3) I'm a different person. I care about the people I surround myself with and what effect they have on my life and my daughter's 4) We have different parenting techniques and he is unwilling to bend...that doesn't make for a very good homelife.
I admit..there are times that I still miss him. But, I wonder if it's more the idea of what he represented to me....marriage, family, committment...than who he actually is. I finally see who he is...he's not someone I would choose to date. Do I get jealous that OW has what was supposed to be mine? Sure. But, really what does she have? An out of work man, who is in the middle of a divorce, who has an infant and now a newborn, who doesn't help around the house, spends too much money, pouts, sleeps around, has to pay CS and debt to his wife...what was it I was jealous about? Maybe the way it looks on the outside and the fact that OW appears to be happy and have what she wants a "family" even if it is fake.

Plans:
1) Do not call or text him under any circumstances other than to answer a question or if it's an emergency. He just thinks I am reaching out to him and I may well be. If he wants to know how his daughter is, he can ask.
2) Do not remind him about money unless it becomes an issue of losing the daycare
3) Call CSS. It will piss him off, but I have no choice.
4) Let someone else handle the drop-off, if possible
5) Finish up the divorce. No more procrastinating. It is happening. I just need to get used to it.
6) Work my a$$ off to make money to make up for his shortcomings
7) Lose weight.
8) Play softball, again
9) Keep up my appearance, my daughters health and appearance, my home, my car...keep up appearances period
10) Be kind to my In-laws and never let them see me down...ever.
11) Always be happy...even if he isn't looking...it can only make me feel better
12) Push forward. Live for today. Let it go.
13) Don't take the bait.
14) Be realistic. Especially when his life looks happy. Be realistic.

[Startingover2]

I like that! I am going to adopt many of those myself.

[Forrest Gump]

"Forrest! why would you lose respect!?!?"

Sometimes I don't explain myself very well and get myself in trouble. I swear it (my mind) is like a data flow and sometimes I can't control it.

My thoughts have always been that in order to "win" at this you need to do your part to "bring out the best". From my posting and reading here I still think that holds true. You can "bring out the best" in you and most of the time that will cause a shift in "someone else".

For me to "win" I had to get my respect back for myself and learn how to love my wife... again.

A while back after me and the W had gotten back together.. someone gave me this.. http://www.loveandrespect.com/content/crazy_cycle.php

(I know they frown upon that.. but I am gonna do it anyway. I think it goes hand in hand with DB'ing. From my POV (Man) he explains it better.)

I was amazed at how much my thoughts tied into what he was saying. As a general idea in most of my post's is that you have the power to change things.. for the better or the worse.

In BS1's case here.. is her "bitching" at him for something he did incorrectly "respectful"? No. So of course he acts "Unlovingly". So if you really look at it.. they are still doing all the same things they were doing while they lived in the same house. The "Crazy" Cycle.

Now I am not being hard on BS1.. you have every right to be "bitchy".. can't say that I would not be if I were walking in your shoes. But where you change the "Cycle" at is with you. He may very well still be "Unloving".. but I assure you it will slow down and eventually stop all together. Worst that could happen is it will get better than it is now.

The hard choice is being the better person. They are usually the ones that seemed "walked on".

Blindsided1.. Go back and read that list you made. Really read it with a different perspective and pick out those things that will really make a difference.. to/for you. I also want you too look at how much you still want him to "see" you.. in that list. I am telling you.. have been for a while.. if you can figure out.. how to let him go.. and really do it.. we might have something new to talk about.

Blindsided1.. In light of things.. you are doing.. very well.. and I applaud you for coming this far and not totally melting down/freaking out. In that it shows you have the heart to make a change in your life.. and stop living like this. You have to make the choice and find the desire to do it.. Keep your head up...

And Always..

[blindsided1]

I try to be the bigger person and I try not to bitch at him. But, how do you ignore the issue about the car seat? That's my daughter's safety.

So, here is a new one. Found out that he got over $6000 in back pay from UI this week. Should I ask him if he has heard anything from UI when I see him this weekend? I'm hoping that somewhere in that black hole he calls a heart, he'll do the right thing and give me at least some of that money. He owes me $3800 in cs alone, not to mention the debt. I don't know what to do. I can't pay the bills. I need some of that money. Advice?

[volleydog]

First I have to say you are one amazingly strong woman. Second it's your money he owes it you for you D, I'd ask him and if he says no I'd say flat our you know he got it and he needs to make up for the back support. That money DOES NOT need to go to OW and her K.