He grew up in a house where the parents were disrespectful to each other and yelled and cursed in front of them. It was not a health relationship at all. This is what he sees as normal. I grew up with just the opposite. My parents never fought, my father barely spoke (which wasn't good either) but there wasn't any verbal abuse or otherwise going on. I remember my childhood as a happy one.
Irish, I understand where you're coming from. I will say this, however -- mostly for anyone who might use similar arguments in the wrong context -- conflict in a marriage is a given from time to time. Spouses are most definitely going to disagree on matters -- especially when they have children to raise. So disagreements and even downright arguments are to be expected.
My parents argued frequently but they loved each other enough to stay together for most of my life. So I grew up with the understanding that two people can have arguments and still demonstrate love for each other.
xW's parents did not argue, not really, at least not in a two-way fashion -- her father would always run and hide in a bottle rather than stand up for his side of an issue. So xW, being unaccustomed to most forms of marital debate, was always under the impression that arguments always meant the marriage was failing. I could never convince her that never had to be the case (yet another thing we disagreed upon. LOL.)
No two human beings, no matter how perfect their relationship or their temperaments, are going to always see eye-to-eye on every subject. It's just not possible. And if there are never any overt conflicts or disagreements, I would argue that there is a serious breakdown in communication instead, which is really worse.
Of course the WAS will try to use such conflict, however slight, to try to justify ending their M. There are certain catch-phrases I find alarming. Words like, "healthy", "resilient", "self-esteem", "we got married too young", "we got married too old", "we've never been right for each other", etc., etc. We've all heard them.
Sadly, I'm hearing all these cliches from my brother's wife as she struggles to explain why her M needs to end, all the while she's ignoring the larger picture.
And, Irish, I hate to say it, but you've started using them too. One of these is saying the R is not "healthy". Please don't take this the wrong way -- please hear me out.
The key is to resolve these inevitable conflicts constructively. Paul said to the Ephesians, "Be ye angry, and sin not; let not the sun go down upon your wrath." So anger in itself is not a sin, but we should settle any given argument and make up before the day is done. That's where we all tend to go wrong.
Okay, the sermon is over. Having said all this, I have a counterpoint...
Irish, for all that I said above to you about arguments and conflict being a natural part of any relationship, I nevertheless want to confirm to you that your H has indeed continued to cross the line. One can sympathize for his own personal plights but his continual abusive treatment of you is inexcusable. He either needs to get himself and his life back under control or you will be forced to take measures to protect yourself and your children.
The words given by Paul above is a good rule -- the arguments between you two have persisted for days and weeks at a time with no real resolution. There has been, as a result, a serious loss of respect, and a tremendous amount of resentment that has built up between the two of you.
I strongly support you in seeking therapy for the both of you. I wholeheartedly support you in your demand to him that he either work with you towards rectifying your R or else separate. You both need this desperately. And your H really, really needs to see an IC -- and a good MC will see that and make that a requirement as well.
I am stating here and now that I am a friend of both you and your M, as I know without a doubt that it is what would be best for you, your H and your S's -- if only your H will wake up. I firmly believe that MC is now your best hope to getting him to see the light before it is too late.
But mind you it's not going to be easy for you or him. Not at all. Given your H's current stupid attitude, he is likely to continue to let his bruised ego take the fore. He might very well tell you he'd rather separate than work on the M. And if that's the case, you're going to need the patience of a saint (again) to lovingly detach, allowing him the chance to discover for himself just how foolish his course has been.
But even if he does accept your offer to seek therapy, thereby accepting your help in finding a solution to his problems, it will still try your patience and his patience, to the breaking point. But I think your family is worth it. And I know you do to.
Hugs and blessings, my friend. We're here for you.
