PM Thread #5 - Hope new plan works

[JCJ]

Hi PM

I'm supposed to be working but got bored so thought I'd check the boards instead

My H is like your H, a bit passive-agressive when they get angry. So my H lies by omission too, sometimes he outright lies as well, but mostly by omission. He thinks that omission isn't really lying and that white lies are lying either.

Why in the heck do they do this? The WAH becomes so sneaky! Maybe it is their warped way of trying not to hurt us and also because they aren't brave enough to come out and say it.

I like what you DB coach said about H and OW. I know he feels he doesn't deserve his kids - not sure about deserving me. But I know he knows me quite well and he knows that I am a pretty upright person so maybe he just thinks we are not a good fit

You and the kids are a package. I would really struggle to believe it is just his kids he feels he doesn't deserve. From what I have read about WAH it is all tied in with their guilt and the reasons that they can't come back. It isn't that they are rejecting you; it is that they feel they don't deserve you. I used to think that because this was the case I should not dress up too much and look too good etc so I was 'more at his level'. Uh uh, doesn't work (isn't DBing soooo counter-intuitive??!). My H started noticing me when I looked better. I think this is because it reduces their guilt because they associate looking better with feeling better imo. Then you become a challenge, a prize for winning, not a 'I've ruined your life and I can see it every time I look at you' reminder.

And you know, although you might think he is having his cake and eating it a WAH (my ex BIL) said to me once when I asked this question to him 'I can most definitely tell you he hasn't got his cake and eating it, because he hasn't got you'.

I am going to dress to kill at the Counselling session tomorrow. I did my own nails tonight, going to put on a pretty dress, do my own hair and look FABULOUS! He won't know what hit him. I am going to look like a 'woman only a fool would leave'. He he

As Kev said, subtly sexy. The great thing about men in a fog is that they know you look good, or something is different but they often can't identify what which spikes their interest and gets them thinking.

Would I be a fool to take him back? Once a cheat, always a cheat, they say. I think it is partly true. If they don't fix what the problem is or find what they are seeking, then they will repeat the cycle.

He was the fool to leave, and he is an even bigger fool to not come back! Though obviously he doesn't need to hear that There is nothing foolish about you. You are making choices about your life, I would say that is empowering not foolish.

What you said about once a cheat always a cheat, imo everyone on this planet has the potential to cheat and even more so if their love bank is missing a deposit. I think the tools you have learnt along this journey will keep you more aware of monitoring your relationship should he come back. I realise now what hard work marriage is and I think a lot of us are here because we started to take our relationship for granted. I know I won't be making that mistake again.

But JCJ, you are right regarding the illness affecting his personality. I have been thinking about it for the last two days. Why is it that some people who go through a serious illness come out feeling a need to bond with their family, to not waste anymore of their life, to find real meaning to their life. Then there is my H, who was totally depressed even though he survived a near-death experience, who detached himself from wife and family, who was sleepwalking through life and who refuse to take care of himself? He did the opposite of embracing life. Why is that

When my H was going through his illness, and he went through a lot, he was the bravest person I have ever known. I will always admire him for the way he dealt with everything. I think it is after the illness when things start happening in the brain because while you were ill you thought about the illness, afterwards you start to question your own mortality which is a whole different board game and mightily scary. I don't know what goes on in their head but there is a lot to process. Sometimes it gets too much and they think that if they can ignore it then it will go away. So they start a new r with ow who doesn't know half of what they have been through. You can't bury something forever imo and whatever they do to suppress those feelings won't work. It is also my opinion that WAH do process these feelings, it just takes them way longer. Everyone goes at their own speed.