Stuck: I took your advice with my last convo with her. I was a lot more compassionate and understanding. I let her do a lot more of the talking. In fact, there were long periods (minutes) where neither of us talked, which was a huge 180 from how I normally converse with her. Usually I'm the chatterbox. I framed the current impasse in terms of how game. I told her that this game isn't zero-sum; that we both can win. I told her that if she wants to come home and be with the kids, that everyone wins (especially the kids). If she wants to come back here and divorce then she and the kids still win. The only way everyone loses is if she stays. She agreed. I know that I was applying logic to the sitch, but it wasn't delivered with the angry undertones that I have been famous for. I think she appreciated that I was being caring and understanding.
Hey Jag: Hike didn't happen on account of the weather. Took my S13 to see the X-Men movie (Which was awesome, btw). Hoping to hit the hiking trails this weekend.
mlb: It's definitely something lunar(-ey) with her.
Dear Journal:
Had an interesting call from the W last night. My S17 brought me the phone around 1:00am. It was dark in the room, but I could tell that he was smiling... one of those "big as his face" kind of smiles. W was on the phone and wanted to talk about a car. She said that once she comes home, she needs to have something to drive. I agreed. She said that she had been looking at a few online sites of local dealers and had some ideas about what she wanted. I told her that I hope she brings some money back from Germany with her. She said that she would but that she would need a little help getting the car that she wants. I said we would talk about that when she gets back. She said that she was actively working on it and would let me know later this week about the dates and such.
Well, been there, done that, so I'm not getting any hopes up at all. In fact, I was kinda liking my independence a bit... hehe. I need to go back and re-read my No more Mr. Nice Guy and start standing up for myself a little more, as she still thinks that she can dictate. With all the financial ruin that she has brought on our family, I can't allow her to cake-eat any longer.
Today is going to be a good day. I'm going to D12 track meet after school.
Hope everyone's week is shaping up nicely
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
Great to hear about your convo. I think a few more of those and she'll feel more at ease. That's when she's going to start re-remembering the good times you had together.
It worked with my W. I was a total hot head when I first would talk to her. Then I stopped and let her engage. Even when she was saying things I didn't agree with, I listened and made mental notes as to why she might believe that. Then I set out to change those negative perceptions she had. I learned that I talked over her when she was saying what she wanted all along.
It really is like being in a new relationship with someone. Or at least that's how I've approached it. The old R is gone. I'm dating a new woman who has an opinion. So I'm doing the things I would do if I were trying to attract a girl from scratch, but with the benefit of experience.
Patience and compassion is the key because she's going to keep dragging you along her emotional rollercoaster. At times like that, I would picture a rock in the ocean that's being slammed by the waves. No matter how strong the current, the rock doesn't budge. Eventually the ocean calms and changes, but the rock is still there as strong as ever.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
You know, I never did. When she called yesterday morning, she only wanted to talk about the car she wants to get when she comes back, and it was after 1:00am so I didn't have my convo-plan well-enough rehearsed.
Patience and compassion. I'm still learning.
Interesing thing, though. She said that the car she had been looking at was a 2009 Mercedes ML350 ($50k sticker). I about laughed out loud at that one, but she was marginally serious. She asked if I could have it in the driveway when she got home. I told her she better plan on bringing the bulk of the money back with her, and she said that she had about $8k that she was going to bring back (mind you she took more than $60k with her, and she's only been gone since November).
Talk about cake-eating, eh? I'd think about it, but I wasn't going to make any promises. I figure if she brings even half of what she claims she has then I will be lucky. As far as I'm concerned, she is going to get a 1980 Corolla as her replacement car if I have to buy it for her!
*Sigh*
Me40 WAW37 M18 T20 S18,14 D13 EA Bomb 6/08 Sep 11/20/08 Ret 08/09 Sep/Filed 11/09
BTW... stuck808, the advice you are giving PortlandDad is awesome. Have you read the "Hold on to your NUTs" book? Some of the things you are talking about are in that book - listening, being the rock, dont argue, etc... I really like your patience and compassion attitude.
Hell im not going to lie i would probably get my W one if i had the money and we worked stuff out... I just bought her a brand new motorcycle for a congragulations present the week before she dropped the bomb on me Some how though she has turned it around and said "you only buy me things to buy my happiness" (not true but thats how she sees it). Glad to see your doing better PD!
PD - Nice car! She has some guts to make that demand!
I have the E350 wagon (bought new, 2006). LOVE it, but, kind of have buyers remorse... Servicing is SO expensive! Oil changes! Oy! And, it is going out of warranty in August. GULP!
My D17 is going away to school in August. We have a 2000 Chevy Cavalier w/60k miles you can offer her!
Good job on staying steady.
How are your kids doing? I haven't read about them....I see a couple of them are about the same ages as mine.
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
One thing I perceive as a potential problem is that it's so easy at this point. Yeah, you'll hear that it should be easy to come back, and I'm not arguing that it should be tough, but what will be different should she come back? One thing that will be different is that you'll likely be a push-over and treat her with kid gloves for fear she'll run again. There must be some things you need out of this...counseling, etc. It just seems a little fast to come home, buy new cars, and jump right back in like everything is hunky dorry. If you need marriage counseling or transparency, don't be afraid to ask for it. If she balks at simple things like that, then she really isn't ready.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Some how though she has turned it around and said "you only buy me things to buy my happiness" (not true but thats how she sees it). Glad to see your doing better PD!