PM Thread #5 - Hope new plan works

[PositivelyMommy]

Hey JCJ,

My H is like your H, a bit passive-agressive when they get angry. So my H lies by omission too, sometimes he outright lies as well, but mostly by omission. He thinks that omission isn't really lying and that white lies are lying either.

I like what you DB coach said about H and OW. I know he feels he doesn't deserve his kids - not sure about deserving me. But I know he knows me quite well and he knows that I am a pretty upright person so maybe he just thinks we are not a good fit.

I am going to dress to kill at the Counselling session tomorrow. I did my own nails tonight, going to put on a pretty dress, do my own hair and look FABULOUS! He won't know what hit him. I am going to look like a 'woman only a fool would leave'. He he.

Most of the time I ask myself if I could forgive H, I answer yes, I can forgive him because I really really love him. Most of the time. But then there are some dark times when I think I just can't understand his actions. I doesn't make any sense to me and I ask to myself, would I take him back and I wonder...

Would I be a fool to take him back? Once a cheat, always a cheat, they say. I think it is partly true. If they don't fix what the problem is or find what they are seeking, then they will repeat the cycle.

So I would have to say that I would take him back if I saw some real changes, some real growth and development. For him to have a realization of what he was looking for, of what would REALLY make him happy. If he was able to do that, yes, I can accept him again.

If not, if there is no growth and no real understanding and he is bumbling again and unhappy then I guess the chance of a relapse of his betraying ways would be highly likely.

Am I a bad person for not welcoming him back unconditionally? Shouldn't we love our spouses unconditionally? Am I being too 'logical' and not soft-hearted enough?

Oh well, I really don't need to think of this hypothetical question. He's not asking to come back and won't be for quite awhile I imagine.

But JCJ, you are right regarding the illness affecting his personality. I have been thinking about it for the last two days. Why is it that some people who go through a serious illness come out feeling a need to bond with their family, to not waste anymore of their life, to find real meaning to their life. Then there is my H, who was totally depressed eventhough he survived a near-death experience, who detached himself from wife and family, who was sleepwalking through life and who refuse to take care of himself? He did the opposite of embracing life. Why is that?