The adventure continues--part 5

[hooper1668]

AFWAW,
I was posting mine while Coach and LuckyGirl were posting...try to put yourself in a mental place of strength and accept that your marriage is already over, because it is. Whatever you had before is done...you really only have a piece of paper now. Only when you accept it is over can you start working on improving your relationship with your W. Your focus needs to be on your daughter...that will bring your W into the relationship. Take her to church and you both get involved. List to Coach and Lucky.

V/R,

[MrBond]

Lucky's right.

You don't have to go out as far as gucci has suggested and talk about how you could be available for other women or whatever. GAL to get your confidence back.

You're afraid that she won't miss you. Sure we've all been through that. My W had an EA with her boss for fricken sake. But find the strength in yourself to gain the confidence to become the man that no woman in their right mind would ever want to leave.

It's hard as hell sure. But you're still early in this. Write down your goals and accomplish them one at a time.

Maybe you need to re-read DB and DR to focus.

[dburt]

OK AFWAW, is any of this getting through to you, quit being scared and start to take control, it is liberating, and very attractive to be in control of oneself.

Burt

[AFWAW]

Hoop,
You're right. My marriage is over. The sooner I accept that the better off I'll be. If she comes back then she comes back. Talked w/ assignments today--good friend of mine and asked him where I could go if I pick up E8 on Thursday--Mountain Home, Idaho--blah!!! I told him I didn't want to go there, anywhere else? He knows I'm seperated and asked if I was still married--yep--he said you could stay right there. I could work it so guy coming in gets his orders cancelled as your wife is on a controlled tour--ok, not what I was looking for but it does eliminate a lot of the bad things that could happen financially--like not being able to sell this house.

Hmmmmm, I bet the wife will be all over me to see what's going on Thursday if she finds out I made it. Well, she just called to see if I made it home from work. Yeah, I don't think she's gonna come home. I think she's liking being away too much and having freedom she has to have sex with other men--pure speculation my part at this point but why would she confess all and then stay away? As everyone has pointed out here today, it's time for me to stop letting her pull my heart strings. Easier said than done I'm sure.

[MrBond]

Your M isn't necessarily over. What's "over" is the idea that you're letting your Ws actions control your own.

Determine what you want and stick to it. Detach for your confidence and self-esteem. You've only been at this for a little over two months. It takes ALOT of patience if you want to pull this off.

[hooper1668]

AFWAW,
Stay strong...work on a life for you and your daughter that is filled with positives. Forget your wife for now and keep the conversation focused on the well being of your daughter. Fix your finance issues such as PAY OFF AS MUCH JOINT DEBT AS YOU CAN. It is much better to be debt free. If you have savings use it to get ahead on everything, cancel and joint credit cards, to include your STAR Card and Club Card. You do not want collection agencies calling your CC later. Tell your wife nothing about what you are doing just do it. Go talk to a lawyer...on-base lawyers cannot represent you but you can go talk to them and ask for recommendations. Just because you file doesn't mean you will divorce. This is not the time to give her anything.

Check this page out...http://www.fathersrightsinc.com/divorce.htm

I know people that used the information to get smart about the situation they were in and saved some money, and heartaches.

No one knows if your marriage is over but you. Try your best. Good luck on Thursday!

[AFWAW]

Hoop,
Only joint debt we have is the mortgage and a joint credit card w/ less than $500 on it. No big deal, she's been paying everything so far, I've checked. And she should be as guilty as she is. So far so good on the finances.

I've already spoken w/ a lawyer. I haven't told the wife anything.

Thanks for the pep talk and taking time out of your day to support me!

[hooper1668]

AFWAW,
Sounds like you are doing well with money and should she stop paying the other bills you will be okay...correct? Recommend you pay off the joint credit card and cancel. You do not want to find out the limit was maxed out. If you can anything you have joint take your name off. If you can file for legal separation any bills she has while you are living apart you will not have to share. Then try to get ahead on what bills you can and save enough to get by for 6 or so months should you decide to retire fi you do not make SMSgt this year...think twice about turning down Mt Home if you get promoted...the board memebers like to promote the "well-rounded" member that has move positions every 3-5 years and has breath of experience...although there is nothing to be embarassed at if you retire as a SMSgt the pay for CMSgt is much better. Do you have other bills such as vehicles you can pay off? If so do it. Your daughters college fund? Better it go to her instead of a divorce settlement. If you have these things take care of then you really need to think of moving on to the next step...legal issues.

Confirm custody of your daughter...your wife is not acting in a manner that she should influence your daughter right now...I wonder what your wife would tell your daughter in 10 years if her husband was having an affair on her? Once you get primary custody you can start working on your relationship.

Do not give her anything to hold against you...you have to accept the fact she doesn't deserve you right now to give yourself an opportunity to heal your emotions. The time you spent in Iraq changed you even if you do not realize it...your view on your life is different when you come back and the "Leave it to Beaver" and romance that you might have expected is not reality. For you or your wife. Being mil/mil myself I can tell you the one left behind has it very hard and the feeling of useless can be overwhelming. That was one of the reasons for the Hearts Apart program and the mandatory brief on your return. An unusual high percentage of military couples were having problems after deployments...I tell you this not to discourage you but to encourage to use your tools. You have said nothing about the Chaplin or the Airman & Family Readiness Center...check them out.

If you have any questions please ask...always remember that you and only you can decide when this is over...you must not forget, as you W alreadys has, that your decisions can impact your daughters life. My PSA for today...enjoy life with your daughter and giver her some slack, not too much, for she is hurting too and doesn't have the life experience you have to deal with it, stay away from the booze, try to get 100 on your PT test, start preparing yourself for retirement even if you make SMSgt, consider church ( I hesitate to mention this but think about it this Sunday, ask your daughter, she may want to go but is embarassed to ask), and go do something you wanted to do but did not because you W did not want to. Take care

V/R,

[AFWAW]

Sounds like you are doing well with money and should she stop paying the other bills you will be okay...correct? Recommend you pay off the joint credit card and cancel.

I'm doing better than we were together--I'd rather have my wife back though. She is paying off the joint credit card.

I'm trying just to emotionally detach at this point. Everytime she says something positive I get all jumbled up still. I keep getting caught up in the "hope" trap and I have to stop doing that. If she's going to move home she will and instead of me anticipating it I probably should accept the fact that it's not going to happen so I won't be dissappointed if it doesn't(although I'm sure I will be).

I recalled something from our lunchtime conversation on Monday--she said: I wish I would have gotten out of the military when I had the chance(Me too as maybe none of this would have happened)--is that regret maybe? I don't know. I'm taking leave on Thursday and Friday and going to try and relax a bit.

[AFWAW]

Saw the wife on IM this morning and had to resist the urge to send a message. I know she had to see my pop up. Gucci, if you're out there, I re-read what wrote about when a woman backs off you back off equal distance. Ok, here goes. I know I've got some damage to undo from our interaction on Monday.