I am putting my childrens welfare first and trying to 'drop the rope' as best I can as far as my wife is concerned, but as was told to me I believe by Portland Dad or Puppy Dog Tails, I should take any opportunity to bond with my children and forget the fact I am fuelling her affair.
Nope -- that wasn't me. I would NOT do this for her, as it only enables her, and as someone said above, she will then play this card every single time.
Update: On the call she made to me before lunch, she still wants to know my schedule for the week. I am trying to be abit 'elusive' so that she does not know where I am all the time. I do train on Thursdays as these are circuit classes where I meet up with my friends. I used to do swimming on a Tuesday but I have now got a Monday class I can go to which means I can circuit train as well. When my wife asked me to have my son on Tuesday she said "oh, what about your swimming?" I said I have changed it to another night without telling her which one. She, for some reason did not believe me and asked me what night? I was vague and told her I am re-arranging my schedule at the moment. The thing here is I do not want to be difficult, vague or un-communatitive as this is what partially got me here in the first place.
She then changed the subject and said I should try and take the children away in half-term or in August when she returns from the first summer holiday without me (that is going to be really hard). I told her I do not know my whereabouts in regards to work, but I will see if I can schedule something closer to the time.
This is where anticipation is difficult as I maybe should have had a script ready for her when she asked me, but it is so difficult to try and anticipate things so far in advance, and without a job at the moment it is difficult to plan anything.
I feel she is still trying to control my life by wanting to know my weekly whereabouts and trying to test me on my anticipation skills, where hopefully in the holiday case I have not gone back to square one with not anticipating what is going to happen in the summer. I am now thinking how I could have handled it, but when you are in conversation it is difficult to think on your feet. Anything I might suggest in a week or to will be seen as re-active rather than pro-active anticipation.
I hope I dealt with my weekly schedule correctly as I do not ask her what her schedule is. As we are seperated it is none of her business and only shows to me how controlling she likes to be, it certainly isn't the case she is concerned about my whereabouts and who I might be with. Also, I did not want to get drawn into an argument as I know she would probably want one.
Last edited by markhaving probs; 05/05/0902:20 PM.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
Am I right in assuming she is still trying to control? And if so why when as far as she is concerned its all over. It is as though she cannot detach from ME.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
I think you are giving your W too much credit for her logical analysis.
Remember, WAS are usually in a bit of a fog.
She is not thinking 'I am going to control Mark, making sure where he is all the time and test to see if he can anticipate my needs.'
No.
She is thinking,' I feel good being away from Mark. I wish he would make my life easier. I want him to take the kids when I need time to myself.'
Mark, you don't need to over-analyse everything. I don't think she is trying to control you. She is asking for your schedule so she can have you take the kids so she can have time to herself. Not to 'control' you. That is why as Puppy says, make a boundary. How? Put down on paper your OWN schedule. Things that you definitely want to do. E.g. exercise, job hunting time, kids time whatever. Then when there is time leftover, then you can entertain her requests. That's respecting yourself and your life. Standing up for yourself does NOT mean picking a fight with her when she asks you for something and you FEEL you HAVE TO comply because if you don't she will LEAVE YOU.
I know you are still in a bit of a shock so you are extremely sensitive to every move your W makes. Understandable. That is why we are here to help you CALM THINGS DOWN.
I think you are mentally a bit down so you are assuming the worst. Again, understandable. But why don't you make yourself feel a little bit better and give yourself several assumptions rather than just assuming the worst?
She is asking for your schedule not because she wants to control you but WAS think that their OLD LIFE and their FAMILY will always remain the same. That they get to choose a new and exciting life and everything else will stagnate.
What you are doing is to show her that no, her assumption is incorrect. That you can also lead a full and exciting and happy life while she is away from you. That, indeed, you are a flexible person (e.g swimming on Friday instead of Tuesday) and that you have a life of your own.
She is uncomfortable with the change of routine in her OLD LIFE. She is dependent on it because it provides her with stability. You changing your own routine is messing up her sense of stability. Which may be a GOOD THING! That is why she may be acting out. She is thinking, but Mark ALWAYS swims on Tuesdays. Her belief that you cannot change, you won't ever change is now challenged.
Change is scary for most people. Your wife thinks she is the only one who is capable of a change in life. You are standing up and showing her you can change and change for the better. You are now more flexible, anticipatory and a much better father than before.
She will feel angry because she will think, 'Why didn't he change for the better when we were still together? Why is he changing now when it's too late?' But this question doesn't really matter. We can only move forward, we cannot turn back time.
So Mark, EXPECT a roller coaster ride. EXPECT her to feel uneasy with your new changes. EXPECT this to take time. OK?
Me:39 H:40 S:9 D:7 First Bomb ONS:June 07 Second Bomb OW: March 08 Separated: March 08 M:15 yrs T:18 yrs H deep into A with OW Achieved ACCEPTANCE May 30, 09
I think you are giving your W too much credit for her logical analysis.
Remember, WAS are usually in a bit of a fog.
She is not thinking 'I am going to control Mark, making sure where he is all the time and test to see if he can anticipate my needs.'
No.
She is thinking,' I feel good being away from Mark. I wish he would make my life easier. I want him to take the kids when I need time to myself.'
Mark, you don't need to over-analyse everything. I don't think she is trying to control you. She is asking for your schedule so she can have you take the kids so she can have time to herself. Not to 'control' you. That is why as Puppy says, make a boundary. How? Put down on paper your OWN schedule. Things that you definitely want to do. E.g. exercise, job hunting time, kids time whatever. Then when there is time leftover, then you can entertain her requests. That's respecting yourself and your life. Standing up for yourself does NOT mean picking a fight with her when she asks you for something and you FEEL you HAVE TO comply because if you don't she will LEAVE YOU.
I know you are still in a bit of a shock so you are extremely sensitive to every move your W makes. Understandable. That is why we are here to help you CALM THINGS DOWN.
I think you are mentally a bit down so you are assuming the worst. Again, understandable. But why don't you make yourself feel a little bit better and give yourself several assumptions rather than just assuming the worst?
She is asking for your schedule not because she wants to control you but WAS think that their OLD LIFE and their FAMILY will always remain the same. That they get to choose a new and exciting life and everything else will stagnate.
What you are doing is to show her that no, her assumption is incorrect. That you can also lead a full and exciting and happy life while she is away from you. That, indeed, you are a flexible person (e.g swimming on Friday instead of Tuesday) and that you have a life of your own.
She is uncomfortable with the change of routine in her OLD LIFE. She is dependent on it because it provides her with stability. You changing your own routine is messing up her sense of stability. Which may be a GOOD THING! That is why she may be acting out. She is thinking, but Mark ALWAYS swims on Tuesdays. Her belief that you cannot change, you won't ever change is now challenged.
Change is scary for most people. Your wife thinks she is the only one who is capable of a change in life. You are standing up and showing her you can change and change for the better. You are now more flexible, anticipatory and a much better father than before.
She will feel angry because she will think, 'Why didn't he change for the better when we were still together? Why is he changing now when it's too late?' But this question doesn't really matter. We can only move forward, we cannot turn back time.
So Mark, EXPECT a roller coaster ride. EXPECT her to feel uneasy with your new changes. EXPECT this to take time. OK?
Mark,
That is REAL WISDOM, right there, from PM. Please read & heed.
Thank you both for your responses. I would like to think I am starting to regain my own life, make changes and hopefully move on to be a better person for my children and myself.
I assume I should NOT share my schedule with my wife, but the times I can have the children will be a 'reverse schedule' as in she will know when I can have the children. Also, I want to remain flexible but as you have both said setting a boundary is neccessary to allow me to create my own schedule. My own schedule would be 'carved in stone', but do I need to keep my schedule flexible to show my wife I can be flexible without crossing my personal boundary.
Another reason we are where we are was the fact I was so entrenched in my old routine to the point where my wife dare not book anything on a Tuesday or a Thursday as these were my training days and I would moan like crazy when things had to be arranged for those days. In hindsight, I can see why she became so disappointed with me over this, therefore I need to try and find a happy medium between my 'set' schedule and remaining flexible.
For instance, if my wife asked me to have the children on a different night than planned (Wednesday) but it falls on a training or swimming night, do I tell her I am sorry this is not a good night (inflexible/boundary setting) or do I show I can be flexible and change the date to suit her request (flexible)? I know I am probably asking silly questions here but I need to understand the best way to handle flexibility with boundary setting.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
I called my children this morning (7.10am here) to ask them if they wanted anything specific for dinner. I know they are up at this time but my wife who was annoyed at me ringing so early said they were not up. Lo and behold they were up...I spoke to both of them to confirm what they wanted as I want to thoughtful to their needs. They told me what they wanted so now I know what their needs are.
When I initially spoke to my my wife when she picked up the phone she said to me "The trouble with you its overkill. I tell you when you didn't ring for two days and now you ring all the time (wrong, once a day to wish them goodnight), I've been telling you for years and years...." I had also written them each a letter hoping they had a nice weekend with me and praising them etc.
I maybe should have validated her, but I thought it was a bit rich considering she did not call them for two days over the weekend so I did not bother. Also, I did not let her draw me into an argument.
This reaction is exactly what PositivelyMommy said would happen now I am putting my children to the top of my priority list. I presume she is angry because of the fact I should have done this years ago.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
I'll tell you what I do with my wife for visitation of Wee Man. It's agreed that I have him every Tuesday and Wednesday night. I also have him every second weekend. That's the only schedule of mine my W has or needs. She knows that I will be with my son on those nights. Any change from this schedule is arranged as much in advance as we can manage.
What I'm basically saying is that your wife doesn't need or deserve to know what you're doing on any night except those where you have the kids. If she tries to change those nights, make sure she has a good reason for it and make sure she thinks you always have plans on your free nights. If she has a good enough excuse for changing the nights you see your kids, tell her that you'll sort something out to rearrange your plans. Don't give in all the time though.
Well done on not rising to it this morning when you called the kids too. Trust me, the less you argue with her, the less she's going to try. By not rising to her challenges you are taking away her power as a bully.
It sounds to me like you're really starting to get this whole DB thing. Once you start seeing the patterns, it starts getting easier. Keep it up!
Kev
Me: 32, Wife: 22 Son: 2 Married: 2 years Separated: January 5th 2009
Sometimes you have to become lost before you can find yourself.
Thanks Kev I appreciate it. By the way, I read something by Coach saying that all the time she is still angry it shows she is still in turmoil. If/when it gets to indifference that is when things have moved on for your spouse.
Bomb dropped: 19/12/08 Me:48 WAW:41 D:10 S:6 Married: 15 years
