Met H for lunch right after my C appt. So, we made small talk about work, etc. Sounds like he doesn't feel secure at work and has applied around town with some other things. He's always wanted to work in the ski industry, so this is a surprise but I didn't react. Just listened. Still planning to put in for mountain jobs in the fall.
Discussed bills and the plan. Then he started looking away like he knew he needed to say some things but how to start... said he wants to talk to the kids but wasn't sure when or what to say. Validated that could be hard but he doesn't need to have all the answers right now, but reassure them he cares about them and none of this is their fault. He nodded his head.
Then he said there was something else he wanted to talk to me about but since I had to go back to work, he'd wait. I have no idea what this could be. Assume it's that he's started a R with OW but up until now he's completely denied it and their FB pages (according to BF) say people should mind their own Biz and OW says she's a proud Christian willing to shout it from the rooftops...! I send up prayers that God will work in her life to realize that she's not helping a marriage to heal with her involvement with H, on whatever level it is.
Anyway, H had some tools he wanted to get from the house so when I got home after picking up the dog from the groomer, he was loading his mountain bike, kayak stuff and tools into his car. I asked if he was taking everything and said he didn't need to unless he had a place to store it.. but he seemed to clearly want to get his stuff out. I tried to play it off like no biggie but I think my reaction came through.
Other than that, I was pretty confident and happy. He started off lunch asking how I was and when I said 'good', he said 'well, that's good then, right?'. Whatever.
Feeling pretty mad right now. I really thought we'd be together forever. And 'if' he's with a 21 yr old, I think it's the ultimate slap - I mean how much worse can it get, unless he left me for another man! I really feel like a loser that I couldn't keep him happy.
On the other hand, he's responsible for his happiness and he's the one not showing the maturity to stay committed or work on us.
The neighbor guy asked him today what was up. H said he really wanted to move to the mtns permanently and when the neighbor said he thought H had it all here - freedom to go ski whenever, wife that didn't nag about it, money, etc. - H said he thought we were at different points in our lives. Neighbor asked if there was a chick involved, and H said no.
So, I'll snap back but for tonight I'm just angry and irritated. I deserve the chance to make us work. And his selfishness and guilt/shame/whatever is keeping him from opening up and trying to make us work. Very, very frustrating!
