Separated, Served...still have FAITH!

[LucasE]

J!

Hi, I am on Month 18! I don't comment often but I feel deeply compelled. Your tears are well deserved. The seemingly pointless destruction of your dreams is a tragedy.

I have not prevailed. We are in mediation sessions. However, if I could go back to the beginning, back when my tears were shared with everyone, including my W, I would change that one thing. I thought that there was value in showing her how much I hurt. Anyone on earth could see how important this hurt is, I thought. I read EVERYWHERE that showing my true emotions would not help me but I couldn't change fast enough. It has taken 18 months and, well, I still cry like a baby, but I get over it faster. Thing is, save it for alone times or a therapist or a dog etc... The kids have already had more than enough. You obviously care about them. Protect them from this adult experience that is not yet resolved in your head and can only undermine their emotional security. Seriously. I still do it, but I recognize that it is wrong and I hope that I will overcome this weakness.

As for others, like your brother, you must have people you can share the real you with, however, I feel compelled again to share my experience. I burned out everyone. My mom, dad, best friends, old friends, old friends, co-workers. There was one guy at work that I never told and it was such a relief.

And here is why. I have to accept a few DB principles. "Time is on your side." The stronger I get the harder it will be for W to remember why she left no matter what happens. "Only you can say how long you can wait." Everyone else in my world has given up. Even my kids, but to me, my family is too important to give up after only 18 months. How important is your family? How much embarrassment can you withstand? "Expect the long ride." I never would have dreamed that I would still be here. Or give up and find love elsewhere. A very small part of me wishes I would give up.

I find that I have much to say. I hope that you never have to go as long as I have. I am amazed at my body for surviving such emotional pain for so long. But I'm still here and I GAL better than most. It seems like you do too.

My final words. If I could step into your shoes and show you what I mean about pulling yourself together for the kids and for W it would be like this: Imagine you are watching this couple and the W is doing what your W is doing and the H is being strong. He has made it clear about how he feels but he now faces his new reality like a hero in an action movie. That is the BEST thing you can do right now. Lead the family no matter what happens. That is what MIGHT spark her interest. More importantly, the kids will learn and you will eventually actually become the hero. It really seems to be that chicks love the manly stuff.

My kids are great. They are surviving. W seems to love her creation. The only one left is me and I'm on that. Best of luck. I feel your pain. I wish I didn't.

Oh, I remember, the best friend thing. You said you would do it, unless. I have been doing the best friend thing. It is so hard. She is my best friend when she feels like it. I have to be the best friend always. It just seemed a lot of success stories included this technique that's why I do it. That and she was my best friend and I haven't been able to replace her. But it is hard. Life is not rewarding for me now. In fact it mostly sucks, but I think I can finally see an end to it. It has two possible outcomes, but I can see happiness in both.

Whew. Keep on.

L