Learning to Detach

[kjensen]

Update:
Lunch today was OK-no walking/talking. At the end of tonight's communication class we had to list our top 6 areas of conflict and rank them in order from least to hot to hottest. We weren't allowed to see our partner's list and we are supposed to have an active listening talk with each other before next week's class on our least hot topic. Earlier in class we were supposed to active listen about some minor conflict. My H muttered about all of our conflicts being "hot"-I agree. Currently my list is all pretty hot: the A/infidelity, the OW, honesty, decision to separate, not focusing on kids, not wanting to to work on marriage. H thought our lists will be the same- I really don't know. So we agreed that tomorrow we'll have our active listening talk...

I'm really nervous since this really goes against the DBing ideology. I'm worried that just bringing up any of these topics will backfire even if done with the active listening technique.
I leave Thursday for my San Diego conference and H will care for the girls. I don't want to leave with a negative experience first and foremost on his mind. I want H to miss me, if anything.

H did share some things tonight which I thought were insightful. He felt verbally/physically(corporal punishment) abused by his Dad. His hot spots are when he feels belittled, humiliated or shamed. He is definitely working on owning his feelings and is extrememly quick to point out when I step on his boundaries.

At one point in class tonight I was validating what H was saying and put my hand on his knee and he asked me to move it. That hurt. Also, we talked about the checking account I opened when we separated things(a bit) and I said I could close it and he said no, you'll need your own account... AAAAGGGHHHH I have this feeling of dread that H is totally of the mind to get divorced but hasn't felt able to say so. I feel like I'm being drawn into a false sense of security when H shares things, but once we hit these hot topics that starting the process to get divorced will be his big "reveal". These are my fears- I do have a sense of dread.

Still getting mixed messages. H will open up with some heavy feelings/memories but at the same time physically remove himself from closeness. We signed an agreement tonight to follow the active listening rules when discussing areas of conflict and were supposed to put down a weekly time to commit to having fun together. I thought for sure H would table that part, but he said "what about after this class we go to dinner?" I was surprised, and wondered what will happen when class is over in 3 weeks-out goes the agreement? So this is a mixed message to me.

Feel overall that H was more withdrawn from me today than yesterday..Is this the expected low after the high? Just more rollercoster riding?