Magnificent

[mishka422]

That would work if I had room Donna. Unfortunately the house is so small that they would never fit. Marc is too old to sleep in my room and my mom doesn't want to share with me (even though I could use the money). I love that idea though, just won't work for me.

No, the caseworker had no suggestions. They don't take into consideration the reality of the actual electric, gas, water bills. They have a percentage threshold built in for the area. HA! I have a tiny house with only 3 people in it and my bills are nearly triple what they allotted. We are stuck with the water and electric companies assigned us. I have the cheapest natural gas provider in the state (that is deregulated here) and these are the numbers they are using? I asked him what year those numbers were from, 1990? He laughed and said he knows they are ridiculous and have no basis in reality. He just said he was sorry, he was sure that I was having a mighty struggle but there is nothing the state can do for me. I'm telling you....ok grrrr.....I won't say what I was going to say. It will end up sounding really horrible. Let's suffice it to say, there are those in society who know how to work the system and seem to always have all the government help and drive Cadillacs and have jewelry dripping off of them. It sickens me. I see them all the time in the supermarket where I work. They look very affluent, have all the right 'bling' and then whip out the EBT card!!!!!! OMG! I just about freak out. It's not fair. Ok...rant done....sorry about that.

On another really bizarre note, you all will probably find this amusing.

After the rejection I went to my cousin's office to just say hi since it was only about a mile from where I was. I told her what happened, she was really annoyed for me and then suggested we go have lunch (because we can both afford the value menu at Wendy's! ) She asked me if I had talked to Gabe anymore since Sunday's emotional meltdown on my porch. I told her no, I had sent him a text yesterday asking him to please contact the credit union to give me access to the loan account for the car since I have no way of making the payments without access. That was it. She and I talked over lunch about what the heck he is thinking, leaving his son behind like this. Blah blah blah...we went round and round about it just venting. In the course of the convo she told me that she had just seen a sign at NAPA Auto Parts in town here needing a full-time parts driver. So, after I dropped her back at her office I texted him to tell him. He had already applied and followed up. He also went to a job fair for a new store opening in town. His next text was "Need your lawn cut?" I am not one to turn down help, especially with yard work which I HATE! I told him, "Desparately" He said he would be on his way over in a few minutes.

Dropped mom off and went to run some errands for her and me. When I got back he was still there mowing the grass. He had also cleaned out my gutters and trimmed the bushes and hedges. WOW! I was so thankful. I made sure to thank him which I think surprised him. It was close to time for Marc to come home when he had finished so I told him he could wait around if he wanted to see Marc since it would only be about 5 more minutes anyway. He asked for a glass of ice water and I went to get it for him. He stayed in the garage drinking it (which was a little weird to me but I guess he's uncomfortable being in the house). He seemed on edge the entire time he was here. I tried to stay out of his way and not be hovering at all. I wanted to chat with him to try to guage how he was feeling about what he had said Sunday but I sensed he was too close to the edge still so I stayed away. Here is where it gets really weird.......

We had just finished eating dinner (Cinco de Mayo dinner of fajitas and chile relleno - all homemade thanks to my former MIL's teaching) and I got a text from him saying ,"Happy Cinco de Mayo" and there was a picture and music attached. The picture was a Corona bottle that changes colors and there is mariachi music playing in the background. It was really fun. I sent back that it was a really cool text. I also said he missed out, he should have stayed since we had fajias and chile relleno. I was joking of course, he knows me and knows how sarcastic I am. His response started quite the strange convo:

G-Nice but I wasn't asked to stick around
M-I started to but thought you would feel weird about it since you did not seem comfortable even being here. Leaving for karate. Come by if you want leftovers.
G-I was actually feeling good seeing you. I don't know whats happening here.
M-I'm glad you felt more comfortable than you looked. What do you mean about not knowing what is going on?
G-Well we talked and I figured we were ok. But we have not spoken all day. Just doesn't feel good.
M-I want to be your friend and I hope you are mine. We can chat anytime you want to. Most of all, I hope you find happiness.
G-Thanx
M-Did you want to talk to me about something or was it just the sound of my grating voice you were wanting?
G-Well it would be nice to chat with you while I'm not having an emotional breakdown.
M-Good point. Did you want to chat now? I'm just sitting in the car listening to music waiting for karate to be over.
G-Was thinking some time face to face
M-Ok. That's fine. Whenever you have time. We can arrange it. Let me know.
G-Ok thanx. Have a good nite.
M-You too! Thanks again for doing the lawn. That was a huge burden lifted.
G-No prob. I know its a hassle for you. Maybe I looked uncomfortable to you earlier cause I felt like hugging you so I kinda hurried away.
M-Ah. That explains it. Don't feel weird about it. You can't help it if you see me as a comfort zone. That was my role for a lot of years.
G-Lets chat sometime. Nite.
M-Sure. Goodnight.

Ok, so I tried my best to clarify what he meant without asking too many questions of him. I need to know where his head is to know what he is planning on doing. I don't want to know, but I need to know. Gosh, this is strange. I need to know where Marc's dad is, but I don't want Gabe to think there is anything deeper on my side emotionally that friendship. I can't and won't go back there. Too much damage. Too many lies and betrayals. I will be his friend, but that's it. Do you think I overstepped anywhere? Anything I need to do serious backpeddaling on?

Ok....more weirdness....it's 10:30p and Gabe just sent me a text saying he would SO love leftovers if there are any. I told him there are bunches and when did he want to pick them up. He said "Lunch with you tomorrow?" Eeeekkk...what exactly am I setting myself and him up for here? I know what my boundaries are, but I also don't want to hurt a man that is already so damaged. By showing him kindness am I setting him up for a fall? Am I hurting myself? Oh man.....I just don't know.
G-