My Sailor is Back-but not Home

[mishka422]

If he changes his mind, he is going to have to show ME real effort, not lip service. The kids deserve a full time dad and I deserve a committed husband, not one that needs to be committed.

AMEN TO THAT SISTER!

[AliSuddenly]

Hey SMW, I think the convo got out of hand there! Sorry you felt frustrated and got defensive.

Of course you have to be yourself, and that includes being a Christian woman.. BUT.. your H is perhaps struggling with having teh eyes of the community on him and perhaps is not able to fully emrace his faith whilst he is having the A. I agree with Kalni, you cant 'hurry him up'.. he is on a journey. The fact he did a pretty selfish thing by spending much of his leave with ow, shows that he is not through it yet, or ready to give her up.

So I am going to explain WHY I was pointing out to you I felt you were perhaps bringing the issue of the kids as a reason to come back to the M.. because you said all of this to him...

I said to him "DH, we have been married 14 years. In that time, how often have I gone months, even years without talking to my dad?” He said, a lot. I said, “My dad caused all of us so much pain when he left, that at times it was very easy to close my heart and my life off to him, especially if I could avoid spending time with the woman who helped destroy my family. When my parents separated, I only went on three visits to my dad’s. I hated being there and seeing him around that woman. Can you live with that, DH? Can you live with your kids not wanting to see you, not talking to you for long periods of time? Can you live with maybe one day not seeing a grandchild until she is 4, not getting a phone call when a new baby is born? My dad lives with it all the time. And he lives with regret. Maybe one day you should ask him what it was like to lose his children.” DH looked at me, dropped his eyes, and said maybe I should.

I said, “The worst thing is, as hard as it has been for him, it has been even harder for me. To know that your parent did not love you enough to stick around when things got hard is one of the most difficult feelings a child will ever have to live with.” He said, again, I don’t want to hurt the kids. I said I don’t want to see them hurt either. It was quiet for a couple of seconds.

SMW.. thats a whole lotta guilt and shame you are loading on him there and if you are honest, its NOT just about your kids .. its partly about YOU and your childhood. I just think its a lot to pin on a person, a lot to live up to. You are asking him to come back to the M and come back to his kids and made it about YOU and how wounded you feel that your Dad did this to you. Can you see now why I saw this as a red flag? Also, not all D parents "lose" their children as you put it. You cant really stay in the M for the sake of the kids, or the threat of losing them. KerryK here co-parents pretty succesfully?

It might've been better to just let him see the kids, hand him a cold beer and make him laugh??? Instead of threaten him with the depressing, doom laden image of "ending up like your Dad" !??

I appreciate you mentioned the appointment with the pastor as about the C sessin for your D, but ALSO.. this is why I said you need to stop putting the church thing on him...

I told him I had an appointment with our pastor to go talk about the kids and the struggles they are having. I told him he was welcome to come with me. He stood quietly for a minute or two and the said, Honestly, no, I don’t want to go. I said to him, “DH, you will find no condemnation at church. Pastor was genuinely happy to see you at D9’s baptism.” He said, I know, but I can’t do it right now. I said, gine that’s your choice, but the offer is open if you change your mind

...SMR he TOLD you clearly, he didnt want to go. Its not your place to try and persuade him (however gently!) or make it 'ok' for him. Its his choice. He doesnt want to go as he feels ashamed of himself for having an A. He doesnt want to go as he doesnt want the eyes of the congregation upon him. Who knows, but you are not together right now and it would be better to just listen to what HE wants, not what you think is best for him. I think its a mistake to try and draw him back to this, as it serves to just remind him that he has strayed from the M/righteous path. Can you see now why I bought this up?

On the whole I thought alot of what you said to him was brilliant, its good to let him know yuou love him and that you 'get it' about putting the kids before your M during and after his deployments.. BUT.. I just think you need to maybe go easy on the other stuff, as above. What do you think?

Please, I genuinely care and think you are doing well.. but these men leave us for a reason. They WANT to do their own thing. They want to make their own decisions. They dont want to be made to feel like inadequate failures (even if we thikn they are and need to man up !!!!). OK? If you dont agree with what I was trying to point out, thats cool... I am just trying to say.. I think you need to let him go.. he needs to do this.. hopefully he will wake up and realise OW is a turd and you are a shining beacon of loveliness.. and come home

Al xxxx

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

SMW,

Just continue to be true to yourself. Your motivations came from the right place and you know that - forget what anyone else says. No two situations are exactly the same. I know if I were to call up my H today and try to say what you said, it would come out all wrong, the timing is not right, it would majorly backfire. But that doesn't mean you were wrong. Heck, it doesn't even mean I shouldn't at some point do the same thing, just not now.

I have a faith question for you. Did your faith ever waiver at any point during all this? I have found it difficult to pray at times and it's really bothering me. I don't blame God for my situation, but just feel disconnected from Him and His guidance at times.

Keep your chin up and keep doing what you're doing!

IL--

If I had tried to have this same conversation with my DH a year ago it would not have worked. He would have never listened to me. What has changed? Primarily--I have. I have become calmer, more rational, more focused, more in-tune with my kids. I did not attack him. I was matter of fact and stuck to the facts. But, he had also observed changes in me prior to his leaving on deployment and I am sure there are things that he noticed, via my email responses, packages, and phone conversations during the deployment. The hostilities had diffused in our R.

Did my faith ever waver? The more apt question is DOES my faith ever waver? There are still times I pray for the Holy Spirit to help me combat feelings of hopelessness. I know that no situation is hopeless in God's eyes--he is a God of miracles. But at times I take my eyes of the end result and look at my circumstances. Those are the times that I waver in faith. I need to stay focused on Gods plans, not mine. There are times I pray despite the fact that I don't want to. I have found that by keeping praise and worship music playing in the background, it is easier for me to get myself into the right mindset. While I may start out not wanting to pray, once I start and the dam breaks, the real block comes out and God and I can reconcile the problem and move forward. I hope that helps a bit.

I am hanging in here. I have the Greatest Counselor in my corner and He already knows the end result. I can walk with Him, knowing that He will never fail me.

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW

[StrgMarvelousWmn]

If he changes his mind, he is going to have to show ME real effort, not lip service. The kids deserve a full time dad and I deserve a committed husband, not one that needs to be committed.

AMEN TO THAT SISTER!

{{{{{Mish}}}}}

Thanks for being there!

Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~
SMW