Slowly but surely - detach and 180

[hopefulinEG]

So the last week or so has been good. Almost all positive interaction. Yesterday I didn't do so well. I pursued. Had kids call her to see if she wanted to go out to dinner with us. D6 broke her arm and got a cast yesterday and I used that as an excuse. She didn't answer and didn't call back until after so I don't know if she would have said yes. I also called to ask her stuff twice. I could have e-mailed instead.

Good interactions. Garage sale on Saturday at her house. Roommate was also there who is friends with both of us. We chit chatted and she even asked me to go along to check out some of the other garage sales.

This morning I was at starbucks with some mutual friends when she came in. She came over and sat with us and chit chatted. It was not tense and was fun conversation. I left before her to go to work.

She looked really good this morning. I had a hard time not staring at her. She wore a blue shirt that really makes her eye's look blue. Makes me miss her a lot.

Still working on detaching. I go back and forth between thinking she will come around for sure, thinking she may or may not but I can only try, and thinking there is no way and this is useless and I am only hurting myself more by trying. The last one I can usually talk myself out of withing a few hours. Still think about her a LOT. I really like seeing her when we come into contact. I hope it doesn't show that much.

[hopefulinEG]

Oops. I forgot I posted yesterday so I repeated some.

[hopefulinEG]

Friday we were both at the kids school all day together. I went to take D6 to get a cast and stopped at starbucks to get a lot of people coffee's. I got one for W also. She thanked me. Only conversation was about D6, where kids were staying that night and about some PTA business. One mistake is that I asked her 3 times when D8's lunch time was. the 1st 2 times after she answered I immediately got involved in something else and it went right out. This was one of her big complaints. She said I didn't listen to her because I forgot things.

She made a big production of having plans this weekend and when she had the girls. We sat down Thursday night, when I picked up the girls form her and went over calendars. I asked her to watch the girls 2 extra days in May because I had plans. She agreed and I didn't say what my plans were.

We have not fought and other than her being grumpy first thing in the morning she has been friendly.

I am still waivering between hopeful and hopeless. I can consistently tell myself it will take a lot of time and I can't put my life on hold. It gives me some hope and motivation but I haven't succeded in getting her out of my head all the time. I know I'm not supposed to think about the future or the past but I have done that a lot. I have been more realistic about the future. That it won't just change over night and even when she comes around I will have a lot of trust issues too. We will need a lot of counceling and I will need to really feel like she loves me before I could really trust her.

[hopefulinEG]

Went to the councelor today. I we got in a little argument outside and when we discussed it inside I validated her feelings and we moved on. Unfortunately we got in an argument about the OW and whether W should let her come over this summer while she is watching the girls. The kicker is that I will actually be paying her to watch them in lieu of her getting a job. If I had a paid babysitter I wouldn't let them bring their boyfriend over while they watch my kids. She insists they are now "just friends" so it doesn't matter.

I think the counceling may be doing more damage than good again. I hate giving it up. It is one hour every 2 weeks that I know I will get to spend with her. Sitting next to each other on a couch. I am trying to go Dark but have such a hard time. I miss her and love seeing her when I do. Especially the last few weeks. I need to be stronger and DB or stop trying.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Sometimes "stop trying" IS DBing ("drop the rope").

Hugs,

Puppy

[hopefulinEG]

I think this is good advice Puppy. I need to "stop trying". Get on with my life. I have a lot of fun things planned in the next 2 weeks so will be doing good on GAL. I am feeling renewed motivation to stay Dark for my own sanity.

I have been trying watch for things I have been ask W for about or for help with that I can handle my own. Do I really need to ask her. There are quite a few kid related things I have to deal with her on but have found a number of other things that I really don't have to and have been able to stop myself from calling/emailing her.

I also realize I forgot to take my Anti-Depressants this weekend and that had a serious effect on my PMA this weekend. I will find a way to make sure I don't forget in the future.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

What I do is I put it in my Outlook (alarm) for the day -- that way I don't forget.

[hopefulinEG]

I put it in outlook at work and I never miss taking on a weekday. I don't use outlook at home and it's on the weekends that I forget.

I just got a ipod touch and I'm going to put it in there and see if that works.

[hopefulinEG]

Going out to a meetup tonight for Pizza. Looking forward to it but also a little scared to meet new people all alone. Gotta force myself to GAL. I know it will get easier.

[hopefulinEG]

Had a lot of fun last night and just like last time it pushed me a little farther along the detachment path. It is helping me to see a fun and even happy life without W and that I can survive this either way. Making new friends that don't know me as part of a couple and just as me is also great.