I am glad you are telling this stuff to Dan. Also, remember is initial reaction maybe one of defense and anger. That's what immature people to. Don't let that deterr you as you will have given him something to think about differently.
I would leave out the filing part or D part. You've already told him your stance on that, no need to say it again. I would really like Dan to see this thing as seperate. I don't know if I am making any sense.... but this is crucial.
I am proud Bobbi Jo that you have finally been honest with yourself and if it was that hard for you, imagine how hard it will be for him. This needed to brought out in the open. It so explains Dan's actions 100 percent. I know this is probably the hardest thing you have done was to admit it, but now that it is out in the open .... your healing will begin.
No more secrets....
Love and Hugs and Blessings,
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
I don't intend to bring divorce, filing, etc into this conversation. This is about sharing with Dan that I see him drowning, and that I am offering my help/support.
I will probably print out what I wrote but say it to him in person, and then give him the written version to do with as he sees fit. You are right he may defend himself at first, then reflect later. Who knows? I am not a mind reader nor can I see the future.
Come what may I will share it with him tonight.
I came home for lunch and was shocked to see H pull up while I was here! He works in Omaha, 30 min away, never comes home for lunch and certainly not to 'my' house. He came flying in, said they delivered steaks for him at work today and he had to put them in the fridge. He said it was steak he ordered for 'both of us'...any way he was flustered, said he had to get back for a chiropractic appt (has been having migraines). So I didn't say a word about my thoughts bc there was no time. He said he would meet me at karate later and we would all go to dinner.
Sandycay, you are right, it is a burden. And if it is a burden at all to me, how big of one must it be for him. That is what the pastor said too. He said, I have seen it in him each week at church, that he is lost and in a struggle. And then pastor said the things I explained, about Dan going in for anxiety attacks, thinking he had a heart attack, high blood pressure last fall. Him saying he is falling apart, he has given up hope of being happy, he wants to die, etc etc etc. Pastor said what is weighing on him is not me, nor is it our marriage. It is the weight of his sins and his lies and he will never be free as long as he is trying to carry them, they are crushing him.
I don't expect him to be receptive, but I just know that if he would let this burden down, admit it, open up about it, he would feel so much freer than he does....
Have you ever spoken to a pyschiatrist/pyschotherapist about this? I would strongly advise you to, I think it would really help in your understanding of Dan, if you want to tackle this issue with him. Me and my sister both have. I think it may alter your perspective and remove any guilt and shame from yourself (as other posters picked up on that and yuo said yourself you felt yuo had colluded with Dan and not bought this issue into the light).
I still think its about acceptance. This is likely who Dan is and what makes him tick sexually. He might not be 'fixable'. He is unlikely to react well, no as Sandycay says, but you should confront it yes and set your boundary on it.. after so many years I would say its about time.
Good luck with your convo with him xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
I put more weight in what the pastor says over a physciatrist and I am not even religious. The pastor sees it like it is - a man with free will and low morals making the wrong choices. The pysch may try to say he does what he does because of society and his upbringing. The physch might even make Dan out to be a victim. Rubbish.
Dont try to analyze too much into what makes Dan tick. What is more important is to plan your life and how to coparent the kids in peace.
Thanks, I appreciate all perspectives here but I am prone to go with what my pastor says. Or more accurately, what the Bible says.
If he was satisfied with his choices he wouldn't be in such misery and inner turmoil. There are some WAS' who just walk and don't look back. They feel freedom in finally living the lives they think they were meant to live. Conversely Dan struggles every day and is dying inside because of his choices...So clearly he is going down the wrong path and he knows it but for whatever reason he has not/can not/will not change.
I do not expect a rainbow ending here. But he is the father of my children and if he winds up killing himself or otherwise removing himself from my children's lives over this, that would be terrible. I feel I have to reach out to him once, and then the ball is in his court. He has admitted he is miserable, admitted he is falling apart, etc etc. Now he can either choose to do something about it, or not.
We went to dinner tonight after karate and it was just fine. He was making jokes with me, laughing and smiling and comfortable with me. We got in the car and Sydney started in again about how she wants her mommy and daddy to get married again so she can see it... I know he can be happy, he just has to choose to be happy. Or, a better word actually, content.
Don't blame yourself. What a man and a woman do together consensually is not wrong. We have a range of desires...some of them seemingly odd to others. But a husband and wife who are intimate in a way they both agree to is not wrong. There is no "right" way to ML if both parties agree.
I think it's good to speak the truth. I honestly believe that more damage is done by withholding the truth than by speaking the truth with love. We sacrifice ourselves when we don't tell the truth.
Good luck, tonight. You may not see an immediate change, but I know that seeds planted with love eventually bear fruit.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
So I guess for me the guilt is not that what I did was wrong, specifically. It is that what i did enabled him and allowed him to keep doing things the way he did. I did not force things into the light so they continued to grow in the dark. He chose to do the things he did but I chose to let him stay in my life. Hope you know what I am trying to say...
Heavens, do I know what you are saying BBJ. I've battled the same thing for approx. 19 years with Gabe. He is a pathological liar and a porn addict. I enabled him by not calling him to task on what was and was not acceptable to me. Now I harbor a lot of guilt about that. Do what you need to do. Get it out there and then let it go. You know it's ultimately up to Dan what to do with the help you are offering, the freedom in truth that there could be for him. You have no control over it.
Do NOT be ashamed of allowing the man you love to do things to your body. As long as it did not make you feel shamed or violated afterward, then it is perfectly acceptable. There is no 'wrong' in any form of sex between committed partners. Trust me, I've struggled mightily with this too. Gabe has some pretty bizarre tastes that I did my best to satisfy and had to get past my upbringing to do so. Why did our mothers seem so hell-bent on warping us? My mother was of the flat-out "no sex before marriage or you're a slut" variety. I did not subscribe to the same theory but it still made it impossible for me to talk to her about what had occurred with me because I felt she would blame me. My mother still has no idea to this day and never will. Your attitudes toward sex will directly affect your children and their relationships so make sure that whatever you impart to them is how you want them to feel for the rest of their lives about it.
LOVE YOU BBJ!!!!!
T19 M15 S19 XH47 M43 bomb12/4/07 PA5/07 S12/26/07 D final 11/17/08 Back together with no defined R 05/2010 confused....to say the least!!!
I know he can be happy, he just has to choose to be happy. Or, a better word actually, content.
My mother was of the flat-out "no sex before marriage or you're a slut" variety. I did not subscribe to the same theory but it still made it impossible for me to talk to her about what had occurred with me because I felt she would blame me. My mother still has no idea to this day and never will. Your attitudes toward sex will directly affect your children and their relationships so make sure that whatever you impart to them is how you want them to feel for the rest of their lives about it.