Thank you for the reality check PH..... I need it!
I see your point about about getting on with life as a necessary part of working on the M. Maybe it is the roller coaster of feelings, but I get this flood of thoughts at times that tell me that I have to make a decision between those two options. In reality, you are exactly right. I will make a conscious effort to get off of this ride and focus on me.
Her mother called me yesterday on my way to the gym. She has called me ~once per week to touch base. My W has been very closed off and hasn't shared too much with her since everything happened. The situation has been traumatic for her as well, as she never saw this coming and we have been together since we were kids.
It was my idea to contact my W yesterday and I asked my MIL's opinion while we were talking. I haven't been sure if I should start the NC at this stage or not. I want her to know that I am still here, but I don't want to push on her. When her mother said she seemed angry that I hadn't contacted her, it pushed me to send her the message. Maybe I shouldn't have.
In terms of reasons that she has given for leaving, there have been many. Just to list a few:
- She felt that we had grown apart in the last two years while I completed an MBA and changed job positions. - She feels that she has missed out on parts of life from us getting together so young. - We got married too young. - Things quit working for her. - She just wasn't happy seems to be the most common one. - Although she always said that she liked us having separate hobbies on the weekend, she began to change and didn't want to be the one to ask for the other to change. - She said that she refuses to be in a relationship where she has to threaten to leave (i.e. why she said she never talked about D or separation prior to the bomb). - I wasn't the kind of person that liked to sit down and watch movies. I was always doing stuff. - Christmas of 2007, we didn't exchange gifts and this bothered her but she didn't want to say anything. (We went on vacation to a cabin in the Flagstaff). - She has asked for the two of us to get away for a weekend for ~1 yr and I never planned it. - She has acknowledged that she has never had any closure from her father's passing ~3 yrs ago and this has likely affected her overall feeling of happiness.
These are just a handful of many other reasons that she has given me and our friends. I certainly believe that these things have left a negative perception of our marriage to her. I truly feel that the majority of those are what she is using to justify her actions. My honest opinion is that she has a lot of internal unhappiness from bottling up things over the years. Unfortunately, the marriage is taking the blunt of the impact because it is a variable that she can control.
All of her reasons would be considered standard "script", it's interesting that they (WAS's) don't have a club where they exchange excuses because they all end up sounding the same, maybe they share some collective consciousness when they go through this experience.
It could also be standard "script" when they're thinking of fooling around also.
