Is it normal to have mixed feelings about wanting things to work or not? I have really been flip-flopping a lot internally. One side of me wants to do whatever is necessary to work on the marriage. The other side of me, realizing that she has to want to work on things, says just let it go and get on with life. I am feeling more and more pressure to just make a decision if she isn't going to make one. Right now I feel like my only two choices are to wait it out or ask for a D. The idea of D has been creeping back into my mind more and more, but I do feel things are still too early to make that call.
I spoke with her mother yesterday and she said that they had a good visit last week. Her mom said that she is still getting mixed signals. She did mention that the W commented several times that I hadn't contacted her of which my MIL told her that I was probably just giving her the space that she asked for.
My MIL felt it would be a good idea for me to send a brief text message just touching base. I did send a brief message yesterday afternoon stating, "I have been thinking about you and hope you enjoyed your trip back to see your family". I have not received a response as of today.
I agree that I need to get better at focusing on myself and quit focusing so much on my W. It may just be part of the roller coaster, but I feel like I have some really good runs where I don't focus on her as much and then I start coasting back down the hill. I do often find myself thinking obsessively over what she has said to others, what her actions are symbolizing and what she is going to do next.
I am sure that it sounds like my thoughts and feelings are all over the map,,,,, which they are. I truly appreciate all of the advice and guidance that you are all providing. I do feel that it has helped me get to a better place with myself at a much faster pace.
Thanks!
Yes it's normal to flip flop back & forth, you are detaching slowly due to less contact, you would do better with no contact.
Texting her was your MIL's advice. I would have just said thank you for the advice, I would not have texted her - no contact, means no contact.
Think about it this way, you told her you've been thinking about her. Now she knows you probably think about her all the time, you're still pursuing her indirectly and she'll continue to push you away indirectly in this form.
Don't contact her, don't phone her, don't text her.
The more you contact her, the more she'll feel better about herself at your expense. You are her emotional healing stepping stone. As long as she knows you are thinking about her constantly, it pumps up her ego and she likes how that feels, she feels better because of it but she isn't going to mess with that vibe by returning the favor.
It's a power trip. It's nice to have someone love you and want you and you control the strings on that "puppet", she isn't returning any of that energy (do you notice, no reply on that text message), why should she? She can have it all for herself and it feels good.
Human beings are a strange lot, even the person you loved more than anyone else and loved you can turn into someone that will hurt you and take advantage of you. I know it sounds ugly to read & hear that but it's the truth.
Time to be a man. Time to believe in yourself. Time to know that you can live a good life without her. It's time for you to do that and when she notices that you can move on without her, that's when you will start being attractive to her again.
We all want what we can't have.
We don't necessarily always want what we can have easily.
You can't have her right now but you really want her.
She can have you easily but doesn't really want you.
Attraction is a strange animal and you can only begin to understand it when you start thinking about how it works and how you can make it work for you.
How have things been going for you? I've been away for a while, just checking in.
