Here Again

[xalelle]

Argh! Today is really testing me. I am having a hard time sticking to what I preach here to everyone else.

I guess because I keep thinking my sitch is not as bad as some, not as bad as my previous sitch, that everything will be ok. But then little things start to get my crazymaker going and I cant think straight.

Yesterday there was a lot of chatter back and forth between me and W - she is out of town, so this was mostly im, some phone. It was all very good, lots of love yous etc from her, was feeling very very good, especially as she returns home tomorrow. Then suddenly she turned cold.. and now today she is hardly talking to me. Ok, she did call this morning and talk to me for almost 45 minutes, but very matter of fact, discussing what she was doing, no i love you at all. She said she was nervous about coming home. I asked why, she said because of us. That she has been doing a lot of thinking while she was away and dosnt want it to return to what it was (I second that!). I asked her if she wanted us to work, and she replied sheepishly yes, but it wasnt very convincing. What is different today vs yesterday! ARGH. I know I may have annoyed her, something I did yesterday, (quite innocent, I assure you) she thought was "checking up on her". I assured her it wasnt, but from that point forward was cold. Didnt call to say good night at all, and did not call until late this morning. During the call she had very little to say about us, other than referring to a "hot" conversation we had had yesterday, and one mention of a family vacation to where she is. I did a bit of a DB slip, and I asked her to tell me she loved me. Twice. ugh. I know better. She did end the conversation with ILY, but todays radio silence is killing me, after the awesome day yesterday.

I am trying to keep my PMA up, realizing she didnt sleep well, is at the end of a long trip, end of vacation and returning to the daily grind, going to be missing the relative she is visiting, and I guess understandably concerned about our sitch, but I cant shake what I am feeling. Usually she times a message or something just perfectly to pull me out of my funk, but not today. Today she is leaving me in funkland.

I know I know I Know I know it is counter to all of my advice to others here, stop focusing on her, be ready to really shine when she returns tomorrow. I did tell her I took the day off to spend with her tomorrow, and she said you didnt have to but thank you (not insisting I go to work or anything) but somehow that still isnt enough for me today. The fact that I didnt sleep well isnt helping either. Gawd, I just want the next 24 hours to be over and she will be here and hopefully in my arms.

Sorry for barfing on everyone, my heart is very heavy today, as I realize my M is still dangling by a string, despite what seemed like great strides forward.

I just want to go somewhere and cry. Maby I will for a bit.