First post in forever..and I don't even know the entire context of your thread SMW, so forgive me if this is repetitive.
I noted with interest the discussion about "guilting" your husband and the implication that you may somehow be rubbing church in his face. It is my very strong belief (and I can't speculate that it will help or hinder your chance at reconciliation) that you don't let what your spouse may potentially feel about something even enter into the equation. You be yourself. It's clear that you are a Christian woman and that your beliefs are a big part of who you are. You are also a very caring mother and it's tearing you apart what this is doing to the kids. It would be untrue to yourself to tone down your beliefs, or tiptoe around the children's issues, in order to potentially spare your husband's feelings.
Besides, there are tons of people on here who like to talk about what makes their spouse feel guilty, but does anyone really know? And are you responsible for your spouse's guilty feelings? You don't control his feelings of love, lust, unhappiness, or happiness, so what makes anyone think you can actually MAKE your spouse feel guilty? I do know that it's better for your spouse to want to come back because of who you are, and not who you pretend to be, or for things (such as your level of Christianity) that you are sparing him from.
Me
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
I agree. And these are difficult situations to sort through, mostly because the WAW's grasp on reality can often be skewed. In my case, I talked with H a few times about the impact his actions were having on his relationship with D13. And every single time, without fail, he screamed at me that I was planting negative thoughts in her head, although she absolutely knew what was going on without any input from me, and was able to express that she couldn't talk to her dad because "he might stop loving me like he stopped loving you." And each time I talked with him--only a handful of times, really, and only after his behavior caused her to have sobbing fits--I expressed that I wanted to preserve their relationship because D13 needed it. He acknowledged it in front of a counselor, but otherwise accused me of alienating D13. It's just rationalization of his selfish behavior, as well as believing he could "have it all"--OW and D13, his career, his reputation, his role in his church in spite of adultery. Had I ignored his behavior, I believe it would have further damaged D13's relationship with him, so I felt it was worth the unpleasantness. But then, in my situation, I had given up hope of reconciliation (again, after a lot of prayer for wise discernment).
M60 H52 D20 M14 yrs OW-old gf from 1986 bomb-5/18/08 H filed for D-9/10/08 D final 4/24/09 xH remarried (not OW) 2012
I am getting too frustrated to continue on here today. Once again,
I DID NOT SAY WHAT I DID TO USE THE KIDS AS MOTIVATION FOR DH TO COME HOME.
I want him to understand that the kids are hurting. I do not want him to dismiss their feelings as unimportant, like my dad did to me and my sister. I want him to take into consideration that choices like he made in going to Michigan right after deployment are psychologically damaging to the kids.
While I DO want my DH to come home, I DO NOT want this selfish pr!ck back.
D9 intends to be open and honest with her father at counseling this week--in a secure environment where he can not make her feel intimidated. Her words, not mine. The kids are afraid to make him angry or hurt his feelings. If he changes his mind, he is going to have to show ME real effort, not lip service. The kids deserve a full time dad and I deserve a committed husband, not one that needs to be committed.
Living God's blessings with grace and digntiy~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Hey, sorry to cause you ANY frustration. I think you have enough of that already. Didnt mean to. You may remember I did what you did. Probably used some of the same words even... So, I wasnt trying to say you did something wrong or bad. I was just pointing out that usually, it takes a lot of time till all these "implications" sink in and they react if ever. WAs have their owntimeline and way to process things. Hopefully your H will step up sooner towards your kids. K
If he changes his mind, he is going to have to show ME real effort, not lip service. The kids deserve a full time dad and I deserve a committed husband, not one that needs to be committed.
"That's all I'm going to say about that."
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Thank you so much for seeing the reality of what i was doing1 I was beginning to think that I had a hidden agenda that I did not know about!!!
S4H--yes, that is exactly what I was trying to convey. DH was an attentive dad that spent tons of time with his kids--playing with them, helping with homework, reading them stories, taking them to the park, etc. Now, he is inattentive, distant, and leaves them at the drop of the hat. They feel abandoned, especially D9. He is stepping up to the plate. I am just hoping that it did sink in and this is not a temporary measure and he pulls back and dumps them again.
Phoenix--
Thank you! To not be myself, the woman I have become, would be disingenuous and serves no purpose. I will not live a lie in order to appease my husband's guilt. I am a Christian, woman, wife, and mother--even when I drifted from the church for a few years, I identified myself as a Christian and tried to live my life accordingly. All I have done is reclaimed the faith I had lost and built on it.If DH is guilty, tht is his emotion to deal with. As I told him, it is up to me to choose whether I want to act or react what someone else says or does. If he feels guilty, maybe he needs to examine why he feels guilt. If he feels guilt, perhaps he needs to reevaluate his life. That is not for me to decide. I was sticking to the facts of the situation.
HM--
I am also trying to preserve his relationship with his children, having BTDT with regards to a D, I do not want my kids to suffer the way I did due to an inattentive, absent parent.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Hey, sorry to cause you ANY frustration. I think you have enough of that already. Didnt mean to. You may remember I did what you did. Probably used some of the same words even... So, I wasnt trying to say you did something wrong or bad. I was just pointing out that usually, it takes a lot of time till all these "implications" sink in and they react if ever. WAs have their owntimeline and way to process things. Hopefully your H will step up sooner towards your kids. K
{{{{Hon}}}}
The only expectation I have from DH is that he be a good father and I WILL hold his feet to the fire to accomplish that.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
If he changes his mind, he is going to have to show ME real effort, not lip service. The kids deserve a full time dad and I deserve a committed husband, not one that needs to be committed.
"That's all I'm going to say about that."
{{{{{Coach}}}}}
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
Just continue to be true to yourself. Your motivations came from the right place and you know that - forget what anyone else says. No two situations are exactly the same. I know if I were to call up my H today and try to say what you said, it would come out all wrong, the timing is not right, it would majorly backfire. But that doesn't mean you were wrong. Heck, it doesn't even mean I shouldn't at some point do the same thing, just not now.
I have a faith question for you. Did your faith ever waiver at any point during all this? I have found it difficult to pray at times and it's really bothering me. I don't blame God for my situation, but just feel disconnected from Him and His guidance at times.
Keep your chin up and keep doing what you're doing!
Me 39 H 38 T22/M15 S11 S7 EA Confirmed 3/11/09 Sep Weekdays Only 4/09
Unfortunately SMW, at some point you may come to realize that you can't MAKE your husband be the father he should be. If worse comes to worse, he may never end up being there for the kids as much as you would like, and there isn't anything you can do about it except to take up the slack. You can't make him want to do the right thing by them.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
