It's all ablazin'....

[blindsided1]

So, I have decided that I need to start really DB'ing. Not to save my M, but to save myself and my daughter...from my H. I let him get to me waaaayyyy too much. I let him treat me horribly. I was reading some of the success posts and I'm glad I'm starting to read other sitch's again. It puts a new perspective on things. What would I say if my d was in this sitch? I would probably say exactly what my Mom is telling me. Stay away from him for now. I know what pisses him off. Yesterday, I texted him regarding a notice he got from the school that he didn't bother to explain any details to me about. I asked him. He said, "I haven't read it. I'll read it and let you know tonight." He never did. So, I'll just call the school. I should have done that from the beginning. I reminded him that his turn for daycare is this Friday. I know he hates it when I remind him of things...especially when it has to do with money. But, I worry that he won't pay it and I can't cover him and then what? So, he replies "I know". I won't remind him anymore. I'll address it if the school calls me to tell me he hasn't paid. So, here are my plans. I am hoping that somewhere, anywhere down the line (preferably soon), we can actually co-parent. That is my hope. I don't want him back as my H. He hasn't done the work. He hasn't done any work. It would be a disaster in the making. I also realize that if he did come back...1) I would have to deal with the mistrust when he picks up his son for visits...I'd always wonder if they were having sex...that's what he does...I lived it first hand. 2) Financially, I would be in an even worse sitch than I am now. 3) I'm a different person. I care about the people I surround myself with and what effect they have on my life and my daughter's 4) We have different parenting techniques and he is unwilling to bend...that doesn't make for a very good homelife.
I admit..there are times that I still miss him. But, I wonder if it's more the idea of what he represented to me....marriage, family, committment...than who he actually is. I finally see who he is...he's not someone I would choose to date. Do I get jealous that OW has what was supposed to be mine? Sure. But, really what does she have? An out of work man, who is in the middle of a divorce, who has an infant and now a newborn, who doesn't help around the house, spends too much money, pouts, sleeps around, has to pay CS and debt to his wife...what was it I was jealous about? Maybe the way it looks on the outside and the fact that OW appears to be happy and have what she wants a "family" even if it is fake.

Plans:
1) Do not call or text him under any circumstances other than to answer a question or if it's an emergency. He just thinks I am reaching out to him and I may well be. If he wants to know how his daughter is, he can ask.
2) Do not remind him about money unless it becomes an issue of losing the daycare
3) Call CSS. It will piss him off, but I have no choice.
4) Let someone else handle the drop-off, if possible
5) Finish up the divorce. No more procrastinating. It is happening. I just need to get used to it.
6) Work my a$$ off to make money to make up for his shortcomings
7) Lose weight.
8) Play softball, again
9) Keep up my appearance, my daughters health and appearance, my home, my car...keep up appearances period
10) Be kind to my In-laws and never let them see me down...ever.
11) Always be happy...even if he isn't looking...it can only make me feel better
12) Push forward. Live for today. Let it go.
13) Don't take the bait.
14) Be realistic. Especially when his life looks happy. Be realistic.