I worry what Dan is going to do with his life once he loses a good wife. Eventually, he is going to realize that he has really screwed up his life with his poor habits and feelings towards women.
BBJ, it is going to be so hard for you to file, but I think you are doing the right thing. I also believe that you will find a really good dedicated man to spend the rest of your life with.
And Bbj, having a healthy, passionate sex life, trying things and being adventurous is NOT a sinn damn it!!! (UNLESS it gets too crazy, or makes you feel weird- I cant use this language about these things very well, you know what I mean).
At least that's what my C told me and I believed her. She actually said "well, you missed a lot of fun girl because someone told you is not right. Now I am telling you it is and you better make up for it". And honestly, I am planning to. K
Sorry folks, the only person I have compassion for is BBJ. I guess I am not a good Catholic becasue I am having difficulty turning the other cheek. i guess I should have gone to church more often as a kid. Having an affair when your child is 5 weeks old should be a punishable offense.....taking a 16 yr. old and "molding" her in the way Dan did is just wrong.....i don't care which God you claim to worship! I feel very sorry for you BBJ...VERY!
John, I am not the a catholic at ALL. I am an Orthodox. And I dont believe in turning the other cheek (face cheek) either (sorry trying to make things a bit lighter here). But still, I believe Dan is broken. And remember he was only 19-18 too, a kid also. K
Kalni I agree. Sex is fun! And I enjoy having sex with my husband! I did it with him before we were married but I knew I wanted to marry him. My faith (Christianity) encourages sex in marriage. There is a whole section of the Bible, "Song of Solomon" I think it is called. All about sex between spouses. So I am okay with upstairs downstairs, all around, whatever! And he has always said to me and to counselors that he has no complaints about sex, that is one area where we always had fun together. I never believed my mother except that I wouldn't 'sleep around' as some people do...I think sex is great.
It was just certain times with certain sexual approaches where you could tell by his eyes, at least to me, I had stopped being the woman he loved and become some sort of 'project'. I don't know if that makes sense...He was looking at me but not seeing me at those times and that is when I would tell him I didn't want to do whatever it was we were doing. But in general I don't think we have ever been sex-starved. 2 weeks was a long time for us, we almost never went that long except when the kids were born.
And Ali I don't know how to explain it to you. I am NOT talking about shaming him. I am talking about telling him "I know this about you, I know this is a struggle you have, but if you continue on with it you are going to destroy yourself and our marriage/family. I am here, I love you, I DO/HAVE/WILL support you if you want my help." Then if he doesn't, I will rebuild my life without him as my husband.
I know you are an orthodox...I was talking about me, the good Roman Catholic... Dan was a kid but he no longer is...he certainly was not when BBJ gave birth....sorry, I can not give Dan the benefit of the doubt on this one. I would like to use stronger words but I do not want to hurt anyone.
I believe that if you truly love someone and you don't call them out on damaging behavior, you aren't acting in a loving manner. I have never called him out on this, so I am going to. And heck yes he feels shame about it, I KNOW that! But hiding it b/c he is ashamed is not going to solve anything....
Sorry Ali sometimes I get why K wants to pull your hair! But I still like you
Ok Bbj, got you. I am more "screwed" in the head than you are probably about this, and I have been dealing with it and maybe I was projecting my issues, I got a bit excited
Tell him if you feel like it. I know this is very hard for you but you will be OK... K
I think I agree with your reasoning, and your plan. For some people, it might not be the right course, you have to be strong enough to tell him without letting him put the blame back on you. And I think you are. If you are not, then I think you don't tell him. You want to tell him because you want to help him, but you can't do it (at this point) if you put yourself at risk. Unfortunately, you have to be selfish about that. But, like I said, I think you can do it.
Yep, you got it, Jeff. I consider it offering a hand to a man who has fallen down. He may surprise us all, and take it. Or he may brush it away and then, down the road, try to reach for it again. Or he may just slap it away and curse me for offering. Who knows? I just want him to know that even if he thinks he has fooled the world, he hasn't.
That was actually the only time he was really all that moved on our Retrouvaille weekend. When we had to write on the topic "Do I see you for the real you? And if I do, do I accept that person?"
I described who I thought he was inside (wounded, angry, still that hurt little boy)and he cried, he said he was surprised but yes, I did see through his cover and see the real him.
So if I am right about this he may be amazed that I can tell...or he may be defensive and in denial or even admit it but say it has no bearing on our situation. (Which by the way would be total crap, living a double life affects every part of your life)
Anyway long story short, he will 'hear' me, or he won't. But I will know I tried. It is the last stone in the 'leave no stone unturned' approach I have taken. I will be able to close the door knowing I did absolutely everything I could. So I won't be happy with the outcome, but I will know I did my best.
