Not everyone likes carrot cake so that's okay. But those who do might enjoy it a lot. I know the people I gave it to thought it was the best they ever had and thought I was some baking goddess!!! LOL!
You sound like you are doing good and handled the recent interaction with your wife well. I love the image of your father with the pitchfork removing W. That's too funny!!! I know my father felt (and will probably always feel!) the same way. I found the best way to deal with this attitude in others was to point out that as long as my children are minors they come first, and I was willing to do what was necessary so they could have their dad in their life every day. Rather then focusing on the word "marriage," I focused on the word and idea of "family." The idea for me was to keep my family together. As far as the marriage, well, that would be something that would need to be worked on, take time and would be reassessed later. I explained that it may not be salvageable, but for my kids sake, and also for my own personal growth, it was something I wanted to remain open to and explore. Also, I didn't feel it was a decision that should be made quickly, or in anger, or with outside influences. I hope that makes sense.
In other words, I'd try to present them with the logical reason for why I wanted to make the family unit work. At the very least it's a great learning and growing experience. Can a person learn to forgive something horribly painful? Can they grow, accept weakness in someone they have loved, and be stronger? There's a lot of levels in something like this. And it's not easy. Sometimes there's some really deep wounds that never seem to heal. Also, I felt that by trying to keep the family together I was teaching my children that family really did come first and trying to make it work is the most important thing. Especially because keeping a family together is REALLY hard. Yes, sometimes it cannot be worked out, and sometimes divorce it inevitable, but I didn't want my children to see me as someone giving up on family, or at least not doing everything under the sun to try and make it work out.... and if it can't work out, at least leave as a stronger and much wiser person. Also, I considered separation and divorce as a time to heal and work out baggage. I wanted to be emotionally stronger, and better prepared for whatever the future would be.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I found the best way to deal with this attitude in others was to point out that as long as my children are minors they come first, and I was willing to do what was necessary so they could have their dad in their life every day. Rather then focusing on the word "marriage," I focused on the word and idea of "family." The idea for me was to keep my family together. As far as the marriage, well, that would be something that would need to be worked on, take time and would be reassessed later. I explained that it may not be salvageable, but for my kids sake, and also for my own personal growth, it was something I wanted to remain open to and explore. Also, I didn't feel it was a decision that should be made quickly, or in anger, or with outside influences. I hope that makes sense.
I agree completely as I have told people that I didn't rush and decide to get married so I'll take my time deciding if/when I'll dissolve this union. I am thankful that my W is not ready to divorce either. I think this gives me even more time to grown and get stronger and detach even more. I think she is still confused and a lost soul, so I pray for her many times a day. I agree about the keeping a family together and showing my kids that I have given my all to save our family. Also, believe in giving someone (such as my W) a second chance after they make a mistake and I hope W will give me a chance to be a better husband or at least one with a stronger backbone.
Today was an ok day, Found out I have to work on Sunday (Mother's day) morning between 1-3am, what fun to be in IT
Went on a long walk and talked with one of my cousin's - just catching up as we have not talked in a couple of weeks. Gave her the update about W's and my meeting on Friday. Then got home made dinner then took S13 shopping. He needed new spikes for baseball and then I dragged him grocry shopping. Came home unloaded the groceries then had S15 take me and my mom to her house as I'm still using their van until my car is fixed. Should be done later this week. At least S15 is getting in a lot of driving time.
Did call W tonight to let her know I bought spikes for S13. She said thanks for letting her know and I said your welcome.
You HAVE that. Just dealing with an emotionally charged situation like what you have with dignity and patience (i.e. not falling apart or blowing up), is having a strong backbone. I understand this is still a process and sometimes you probably feel like falling apart, or you'll busy and loose yourself in daily activities without really examining your emotions.... BTW, are you in any type of individual therapy besides the Separation/Divorce group? Having someone neutral (trained therapist) to talk with, and to work on personal growth goals with, might be helpful.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
Yes, I do see an IC about once a week and he is helping me tremendously. He is helping me to work on things which I have wanted to change for a long time, for example, I want to be more assertive and outgoing. I have been doing much better with this at work as now I'm leading meetings and have done some presentations in front of groups of people. Before the bomb I would have been way too nervous or not jumped at any opportunity to grow like I have been these last few months. Also, the way I felt when talking with W this past weekend, was very different than I have felt in the past. I felt much stronger and more confident when speaking to her. In addition, have noticed that when I speak to others I'm not as timid or as shy as I have been in the past. This is something I want to keep going as it feels so good. Sometimes, I feel my patience is lacking as I miss W so very much and I get frustrated with myself. I'm sure this is normal as my IC says everything that I have been feeling or thinking is normal in this situation. I'm glad I'm not going crazy, which I don't think I really am. I told my boys last night how proud I am of them during this transition and that I love them very much. They both gave me big hugs
Thank you for your kind words and as I build up my self-esteem and self-confidence I'll be stronger and better than ever!
Last night both kids had games: S15's team won and he played well, couple of hits with 2 RBIs and had 3 SBs. S13 played in his first game of the season (they have a couple of rain outs) and he didn't get any hits but was happy they won. W did not make it to either game, says she was sick....
Got home late last night and we all went straight to bed. Got up early as there was an issue at work so got to the office early and was busy all day.
Today baseball games rained out, so my parents and I went out for dinner (kids were at home with W). I came home and W was still here and she looked very hot tonight. I told her she looked good and she thanked me. She left and I went on a long walk in the rain very refreshing
Helped S13 with math homework and now paying bills and reading posts from the day...
Hi Ppenton... Your thread caught my eye because we're both in IL. I have two boys who play club soccer (And a D17, doesn't play), and I can TOTALLY relate to all of the rain outs!
You have a very steady, solid presence in your posts.
Keep up the good work!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
