Here is what I wrote down to share. If it is 'shaming', then it is. I think holding a mirror in front of someone is sometimes necessary...If he is ashamed of what he sees then that is on him,not on me. This is not my attempt to win him back this is my attempt to show him that I know how lost he is even if he thinks I don't, and to offer up a helping hand before I walk away.
Wow Bobbi, I actually feel a bit tearful reading your post and I urge you NOT to say all this to him at dinner. I really thikn you are going about this all the wrong way.
There is an issue in my R that I havent spoken about, one between my parents and one in my sisters M (which ended it, she had to walk away).. all related to sex and I'll say no more on details.
BUT.. as a psychotherapist said to me about my ex.. he hates and loathes himself. HE is not acceptable to HIMSELF.. and when I showed him my initial dissaproval, I was then showing MY dissaproval of him also. I was shaming him. A man who is already shamed so much, he has thoughts of suicide (as I am sure Dan has). I, the woman he loved, the one woman who loved him, apart from his mother (who is the cause of these predilictions, as it is for Dan no doubt).. was showing him that he is a shameful being. Loathsome. Wrong. Messed up. What did he do? Ran the other way. Men cannot handle feeling shamed and as the shame is the root of his problem, you are dousing a fire with petrol here.
BUT Bobbi.. its not about woman luring and manipulating him, or Jesus, or Satan, whatever. This is about deeply rooted pyschological issues that Dan has. Our sexual orientation and gratification are "hard wired".. especially if it shows signs in teens. The clue here is you said he was looking at this stuff from 16...
and the thing about the closet.. seriously, that is an indicator that Dan has an issue with power and dominance and objectification of woman. I dont doubt he loves you very much and this is NOTHING to do with you. Its not surprising he cant sleep with you. You are his w and mother of his children and right now, he hates himself.
What you need to do is work with him, not against him. Ackowledge his shame, let him feel you are NOT disaproving and disgusted by him. You should have compassion for him. Something has clearly happened to him (could be innocuous) in his youth which has left him with a 'twisted' sense of woman.. I feel for you, I really do, but shaming is is the WORST thing you could do and would drive his feelings deeper.
You say its for you, well, you vented here. Its not going to help him, IMHO and might make matters between you much worse? The best thing you can do for Dan (as clearly you do love him, even if you are now heading for D)..is to acknoweldge that his predilictions cause him guilt and shame and that you support him in exploring that through some serious, professional psycho-sexual counselling. If having done that, he feels he wants to continue to pursue these habits, fine, but you cant stay M to him.. but.. maybe it will help him to unravel what the root cause is of his feelings of self loathing and objectification of woman.
I also agree with John, sexual prediliction is NOT the same as drug/alchohol addiction.
Men are visual and sure, some look at porn and its titilating..(and no, I dont like it/approve of it either)..but what you are describing here is something way more serious, more psychological and deep rooted than just looking at a bit of porn. And I guess you know that hey and its taken you years to face up to it.
Seriously, this is hard to deal with and I really do feel for you. Its almost, accept him for who he is and what floats his boat, or let him go lovingly. Because from what I understand of these issues, if he was very young when this got "hard wired" into him, its unlikely that he can be "cured" of it.
