John, I am ok. Really, I am. I guess it is just embarrassing for me to acknowledge some of this stuff to everybody. I have not shared any of that in the almost-18 months I have been here. Mainly because in the beginning I was a participant/contributor to the situation. But after the stripper I drew the line because I realized what was harmless fun to me was becoming a whole lot more to Dan.
And I guess because I knew I could handle it, I thought he could too. We lived in St. Louis at the time I found out about the $1500-$2000 on credit cards for sex hotlines. A lot of it had been during his college years but there were still calls almost every month since we had gotten married. When I confronted him about it (we had gotten a filing cabinet and I was filing all of his bills that were in a box), he seemed devastated and at the time threatened to kill himself because he was so sorry and didn't now how else to stop hurting me...
I let it go like an idiot b/c 4 months later we found out I was pregnant with our first child. And I thought that would change things, it did for me. But then the A when our little guy was only 5 weeks old...
So I guess for me the guilt is not that what I did was wrong, specifically. It is that what i did enabled him and allowed him to keep doing things the way he did. I did not force things into the light so they continued to grow in the dark. He chose to do the things he did but I chose to let him stay in my life. Hope you know what I am trying to say...
Sorry for getting a little melodramatic there before. Just thinking about all this stuff brings me down. I do know for a fact that even if my approach wasn't right my intentions were. I loved my husband the entire time and tried to support him in the way I thought was right. And I never walked away from him and our marriage, he is the one who did that.
