"And along the way, you may find W starting to pull on that rope a bit, and when she finds no resistance (you are not holding so tight on your end) she may pull harder."
This happens VERY RARELY so don't get your hopes up!!!
The WAW will find EVERY remote reason under the sun to blame the LBS for the 'sitch'. Even if you did 'drop the rope' and go 'dim' they will say: see "I made the right decision, he really doesn't care'. Instead of 'drop the rope' I'd say 'hope for best, prepare for the worst'. Assume the WAW is gone forever - find one sentence to describe why they walked away and then forget about them and work your way up from there.
Wile I agree with FB's last statement about WAS putting everything on the LBS, I disagree with the statment that returning rarely happens. It happens a fair amount of times with someone who really gets it and works on themselves.
I am not saying this to get your hopes up - you still need to work on being good, not just ok, as you are, no matter what the situation, as there is no guarantee that your spouse will return, and there is a chance that they will not. But to say the return is "very rare" in a sitch where the LBS truely has improved is not a fair statement. Read around this board and find sitchs where Ms have been restored, it happens!
X Love, confidence, trust, and patience. Most Recent Thread
She blames me for it all, and she's right. I screwed up bad. I do hope for the best. She walked away because of my lack of compassion...that pretty much sums up all of the mistakes and bad decisions that I made. I'm working a lot on compassion...I'm learning that it's the lifeblood of families, and encompasses so much!
Ok Antlers, now I get out the 2x4. It is very good that you take responsibility for your part in the problems in the M, and understand how W got to this point, but.. SHE WALKED AWAY! I dont say this to make you angry with W, I dont say this to remove your part, but any R has two parts, and BOTH parts must work equally on the R, or it will quickly rott. So for now you can only work on your part, and perhaps one day you can teach W the same.
And again, I am glad to see you taking responsibility for your part, but man, you MUST FORGIVE YOUR SELF! How will W ever forgive you if you cannot forgive yourself? I know it is hard man, I am going through it myself now, for the second time. And even though W and I are still together, the rough spots make it very hard to not want to just throw in the towel and accept that you suck - but that will do you no good! Forgive yourself, but dont forget, and work to be the best you want to be.
X Love, confidence, trust, and patience. Most Recent Thread
"And along the way, you may find W starting to pull on that rope a bit, and when she finds no resistance (you are not holding so tight on your end) she may pull harder."
This happens VERY RARELY so don't get your hopes up!!!
The WAW will find EVERY remote reason under the sun to blame the LBS for the 'sitch'. Even if you did 'drop the rope' and go 'dim' they will say: see "I made the right decision, he really doesn't care'. Instead of 'drop the rope' I'd say 'hope for best, prepare for the worst'. Assume the WAW is gone forever - find one sentence to describe why they walked away and then forget about them and work your way up from there.
Wile I agree with FB's last statement about WAS putting everything on the LBS, I disagree with the statment that returning rarely happens. It happens a fair amount of times with someone who really gets it and works on themselves.
I am not saying this to get your hopes up - you still need to work on being good, not just ok, as you are, no matter what the situation, as there is no guarantee that your spouse will return, and there is a chance that they will not. But to say the return is "very rare" in a sitch where the LBS truely has improved is not a fair statement. Read around this board and find sitchs where Ms have been restored, it happens!
I know it happens! I've read about it happening on this board!
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
She blames me for it all, and she's right. I screwed up bad. I do hope for the best. She walked away because of my lack of compassion...that pretty much sums up all of the mistakes and bad decisions that I made. I'm working a lot on compassion...I'm learning that it's the lifeblood of families, and encompasses so much!
Ok Antlers, now I get out the 2x4. It is very good that you take responsibility for your part in the problems in the M, and understand how W got to this point, but.. SHE WALKED AWAY! I dont say this to make you angry with W, I dont say this to remove your part, but any R has two parts, and BOTH parts must work equally on the R, or it will quickly rott. So for now you can only work on your part, and perhaps one day you can teach W the same.
And again, I am glad to see you taking responsibility for your part, but man, you MUST FORGIVE YOUR SELF! How will W ever forgive you if you cannot forgive yourself? I know it is hard man, I am going through it myself now, for the second time. And even though W and I are still together, the rough spots make it very hard to not want to just throw in the towel and accept that you suck - but that will do you no good! Forgive yourself, but dont forget, and work to be the best you want to be.
Bring the 2x4! I need and appreciate them. I know that I need to forgive myself, and I'm slowly doing it. I know why she walked...I didn't say that I agreed with it. I know that I need to continue to work on myself no matter what...and I intend to keep on doing it. I'm already a better person, and I have learned a lot so far.
I want to detatch, lovingly.
I pray to God that he helps her to heal. She has told me how she feels...and it seems hopeless for me right now...but I still hang on to hope! Why? They say "don't believe anything they say"! It's hard to do when you hear the stuff I've heard! Anyway, I'm gonna put forth more effort now than ever before to LEAVE HER ALONE! We've had no contact at all since the bad phone call on April 30th. I'm gonna try to be motivated by my love for her, since this is what she needs and wants. I'm gonna try to remember that it's selfish to communicate with her when she does not want it! She knows how I feel, and she's told me how she feels. I've got to turn her loose, and turn her over to God, just like it was mentioned in your post, and let Him deal with her...because nothing else and nobody else at this point is gonna change her mind! I am scared of what is gonna happen. But I've got to start living, and quit just existing. I want to keep going, and have a happy life...one filled with compassion on my part, because it was so lacking on my part before! I'm sorry that we're having to go through this, I'm sorry we've hurt the ones we love, and I hope that things will get better for us.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
She blames me for it all, and she's right. I screwed up bad. I do hope for the best. She walked away because of my lack of compassion...that pretty much sums up all of the mistakes and bad decisions that I made. I'm working a lot on compassion...I'm learning that it's the lifeblood of families, and encompasses so much!
Ok Antlers, now I get out the 2x4. It is very good that you take responsibility for your part in the problems in the M, and understand how W got to this point, but.. SHE WALKED AWAY! I dont say this to make you angry with W, I dont say this to remove your part, but any R has two parts, and BOTH parts must work equally on the R, or it will quickly rott. So for now you can only work on your part, and perhaps one day you can teach W the same.
And again, I am glad to see you taking responsibility for your part, but man, you MUST FORGIVE YOUR SELF! How will W ever forgive you if you cannot forgive yourself? I know it is hard man, I am going through it myself now, for the second time. And even though W and I are still together, the rough spots make it very hard to not want to just throw in the towel and accept that you suck - but that will do you no good! Forgive yourself, but dont forget, and work to be the best you want to be.
I know it takes two, although it might be 95% one person and 5% the other person. My issues with her doing this are...
She made a vow of 'for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and health, good times and bad, 'til death do us part'. Our kids would be better off in one two parent home than in two single parent homes. I think the solution to a problem isn't running away from it or separating yourself from it, but by working through it. She hasn't given our marriage that opportunity. I have made lasting changes to issues she had with me.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Hey Antlers.....you know what??? I don't know what I was thinking when I told you to say you hate she feels that way about something! I do stick by not saying you are "sorry". I also think it is correct in NOT saying you understand her "feelings"--as somebody pointed out (which was a good point and I'm glad they did). I had the right thing in my head (which was really what Coach was saying) but for some reason, my fingers didn't know how to type that.... But, I am glad Coach and some others came across and told you straight. Man! I apologize for that mess-up and hope I did not make matters worse for you. I do stick with just listening and nodding your head when you are not sure what else to say or do. Kind of hard to do unless you are in person, though.
Sandi
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Hey Antlers.....you know what??? I don't know what I was thinking when I told you to say you hate she feels that way about something! I do stick by not saying you are "sorry". I also think it is correct in NOT saying you understand her "feelings"--as somebody pointed out (which was a good point and I'm glad they did). I had the right thing in my head (which was really what Coach was saying) but for some reason, my fingers didn't know how to type that.... But, I am glad Coach and some others came across and told you straight. Man! I apologize for that mess-up and hope I did not make matters worse for you. I do stick with just listening and nodding your head when you are not sure what else to say or do. Kind of hard to do unless you are in person, though.
Sandi
Hi Sandi,
No sweat! What do you think about saying "I can see what you're saying", or "I can see how what I did would make you feel that way", or "I can see how me doing_________________would make you feel that way"? I wouldn't be saying 'sorry' or 'I understand'.
Keep in mind, these conversations take place over the phone, or via text message.
Talk to 'ya later.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
6 days with absolutely no contact at all...none since the bad phone call on April 30th. Kids have been with me since Monday, and they'll go back to their mom tonight.
This is a hard way to live.
"Always go straight forward, and if you meet the devil, cut him in two and go between the pieces." - William Sturgis, clipper ship captain, 1830's.
Things that helped me cope: - prayed for others(especially that the Holy Spirit was working on my W), wisdom, discerment, strength - walked/played with my dog (Phoebe the Wonder Lab) - exercise - thought about what I was grateful for - posted/vented/journaled here - cried - stayed busy
You can handle it.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
But, I am glad Coach and some others came across and told you straight. Man! I apologize for that mess-up and hope I did not make matters worse for you. I do stick with just listening and nodding your head when you are not sure what else to say or do. Kind of hard to do unless you are in person, though. 