John that is embarrassing for me. It is a bondage thing he liked to tie my hands sometimes, or have me do it to him. I was a 19 yr old who had never been with a guy so there are certain parts of my body I did not shave at the time... Please dont ask anymore...
And John I didn't realize it even though I did. Kind of like an iceberg, you never see the whole thing all at once but when you put it all together it is amazing.....and humiliating.
I was a very naive girl the only thing my mom ever said about sex was that it was shameful and awful and you should never ever do it until you got married or you were a whore and a slut and a terrible person. The first time I ever saw a naked man was my husband. I wanted to make him happy, so I did things with him that I knew made him happy, even if some of them seemed weird to me. He appeared happy and he seemed so thrilled to have me as his that I thought I was doing something right. Only after things progressed more and more and he wanted to try more and different things did I start to get so uncomfortable.
And maybe that is why he strayed, because I wouldn't do some of the things he wanted me to do. There was some dominance/fetish-y stuff I didn't like and I told him I didn't want to do it anymore. A lot of it had to do with being tied up in various ways and he wanted me to do it to him too. It just got to the point where there were things I wouldn't do. I really didn't know what other people did or did not do with one another because I had never been exposed to anything. And the only things I ever did see/hear/read were from movies or magazines that he had.
When I figured out that it was wrong and did not line up with my beliefs as a Christian, I stopped doing a lot of it. I am still a fun, outgoing creative person and we could still make love in a lot of interesting ways, just not so rough or (to me) demeaning ways. And we didn't, for the past almost 10 years. It stopped when I found out he had the one night stand with a stripper in Feb. 2000. It was then that I realized that all of this role-play fantasy stuff was putting him in dangerous territory.....to me I had thought since it was just the two of us within our marriage it was okay but then he took it outside the marriage. Back in 2000 I threw out every single magazine and video I could find in our apartment (and there were a lot of them I found out). I told him no more, never again, but every six months or so I would find one in a drawer or see an atm bill from a strip club...we would argue, he would say he would stop, etc etc etc
John, that is what made me the saddest yesterday. When the pastor said to me, "All these years to you it has been intimacy but to him it has most likely been sex". I can hardly bear to think that maybe I was being used the whole time as his cover to the world that he was an upstanding guy, that he had a smart, funny, sweet,loving wife and kids so he must be okay too. That I was an inexperienced 16 yr old when we first dated, someone who could be molded however he wanted...
That is depressing. He wrote me so many romantic cards over the years telling me how much he loved me and was glad to have me in his life but now I wonder how much was ever real
