Here is what I wrote down to share. If it is 'shaming', then it is. I think holding a mirror in front of someone is sometimes necessary...If he is ashamed of what he sees then that is on him,not on me. This is not my attempt to win him back this is my attempt to show him that I know how lost he is even if he thinks I don't, and to offer up a helping hand before I walk away.
I will forewarn you I mention something in this letter that I let him do to/with me in college. It is personal and actually something I am ashamed of, but at the time I loved/trusted him so I allowed it. We weren't yet having sex at the time (I made him wait 2 1/2 yrs and we were both each other's 'first'), just making out/touching, so this was a strange kind of thing for me...anyway I included it b/c it is one of the things that I had honestly forgotten about but it came to mind when talking to the pastor yesterday. And I realized it is part of his issues...
Dan I want to address something here that I have only minimally talked about with you before. But I honestly believe it is the noose around your neck that is choking the life out of you. And I love you so much I cannot walk away from you without trying to show you what I see and trying to help you. Dan I feel strongly that you have a problem with porn. I acknowledge that I have been to the strip clubs with you early in our marriage, I have looked at the magazines, etc etc. But then I realized how damaging that stuff can be. And for me it was a rare occasion, just-for-fun thing. I don’t think it is for you.
You have told me you hate women, you don’t trust them, they manipulate, etc etc. Well when you are looking at them in strip clubs, in movies, in magazines, they ARE manipulating you. They have been dressed/undressed deliberately to pull you in. The hair, the makeup, the poses, the things they say and do, are all manipulative. You were looking at magazines and calling phone lines and all of that long before we got married. You say you have been unhappy since you were a teen ager. Does that not coincide with the time you starting getting involved in porn?
And looking at magazines stops being enough, so you have to watch the movies. Then that is not enough, so you have to call the phone lines. Then that is not enough, so you have to go to the strip clubs. Then that is not enough, so you have to have a real woman in your bed to do those things with you. And then you hate yourself because you know that you don’t like yourself when you do those things. And then you hate the women for luring you in. And then you are angry at all of us women and especially at me because I am the woman standing before you when you are angry and shamed and miserable.
You have said you cannot try again with me and just wind up back in the same place. You have said that you have given up hope of ever being happy. I believe in my heart that the reason you say you cannot promise that things will not happen again is because you feel trapped. You do not know how to give up porn. And as long as porn is in your life, you cannot have a real life, a happy life, a fulfilling life. I do believe that you have tried over the years to give up porn but then you get sucked back in again, and then you are mad at yourself for giving in, mad at the women for drawing you in, mad at me too because something I said or did ‘pushed’ you…I realize now that this pattern goes back a long, long ways. In college I remember you tying me up in your closet at your apartment and shaving me while I was blindfolded. I was kind of scared at the time but I trusted you and I knew you wanted to do it, so I did it. I realize now you had to have gotten that idea somewhere…
Is that why you think God is punishing you for your sins? Because you continue to be involved with porn? And I know that you are--when you came over to do laundry last month I was folding shirts for you and I saw in your suitcase the magazines and DVDs. Do you think that your calves die, your job sucks, and everything else awful is your punishment for sinning? Is it possible that you don’t have a hold on porn but that in fact porn has a hold on you that you have tried to break but cannot do on your own?
You know that all have sinned and all have fallen short but God forgave us through the sacrifice Jesus made. God loves you and He can and does forgive you. I love you and I can and have forgiven you. I just want you to know that I see how terribly miserable you are and I am sure what I see only scratches the surface. As your wife and the woman who loves you most, I could not just walk away without telling you, leaving you when you are clearly in the deepest pit of hopelessness. If you decide that you want help to get your life back, I will be there to support you in any way I can. However, you would have to decide that living like you are is no longer an option and you have to reach for something better for yourself.
