Charlie Brown Update

[CharlieBrown]

Haven't been able to figure out how to provide links to my previous posts, so I will summarize my sitch:

Married 12 yrs, together 14. Two kids, 5&8. Story not unlike many here in that aside from my wife making me feel loved (including, but not limited to sex) marriage is good. But, as we all know that is like saying I really like everything about where I live except there is no oxygen there. W was brought up in a conservative Catholic house and really took to it. She doesn't ever touch herself and up until we were married never let me touch her either. Being the complete idiot I am, I ignored this pre-marriage and told myself that once we were married, things would get better, but looking back we met the definition of SSM, before the M.

In our M, she has opened up a bit as I have introduced toys (which I very occasionally use on her) and other foreplay, but she is still super uptight about oral. When I do her, she always protests (before, of course) and she almost never reciprocates (it has been a couple years). We ML about 2-3 times a month and it has to be when the moon, sun, and stars are all in alignment, and usually with much suggestion from me. If it was up to her, once a month would be great and I would like 2-3 times/week. Plus, she rarely says ILY, initiates any affection towards me, or even reciprocates. That is what we both saw in our homes growing up, but we had completely different reads on it as she thinks that is a normal marriage because her parents were that way, I saw my parents as miserable and never wanted my marriage to be like that.

As for what we have tried, I have read many books, including SSM. The problem I have seen with the SSM theory is that it takes all the pressure/awareness off the LD spouse because there are no R talks and creates a catch-22 for the HD spouse because the lack of communication not followed by improvement leads to frustration, which unresolved leads to resentment (which is where I am after many years of trying this). We have sat down and tried to come to compromise (she doesn't follow through on committments made).

I actually felt like we were making some limited progress (but progress nonetheless) after she was let go from her job in Nov. and was a stay-at-home mom. But in February -April tthree things happened:

1) She had a softball inutero fibroid that she said has made ml uncomfortable and has led to irregular periods. This was supposed to be removed in February in outpatient surgery and had to be postponed due to high blood pressure (due to the fibroid). She was really bummed about the delay.

2) She took a new job and started mid-March. While this was a positive for us financially, she was getting used to not being employed and really enjoying it. It was however a fantasy scenario because she had a full severance through March. When she started working again, she was not only stressed out by all her training (she is a pharma rep and needs to learn a totally new part of the body and new products) but she was resentful that she needed to work at all and didn't seem to ever "get" that her income was needed.

3. In early April, after going on meds, her BP was down and they went to do the surgery again. Unfortunately, there were complications and her day surgury turned into essentially a c-section and we have been on a "sexual sabbatical" since under doctors orders. She goes back Thursday and my guess is that she will be cleared to ML.

Some other background. I love my wife and still find her very attractive. We do date-nights at least once a month and we try to get away as a couple every couple months. While I am not a perfect husband, I do my share around the house and with the kids and we live a comfortable upper-middle class life. And yes, I am a nice guy (and have read NMMNG).

In the past week we have done two things that have been productive:

1. We sat down and I drew two columns on a legal pad, one side had our recurring expenses today and the other column had what they would be if we "dialed down" such as cutting back on cable and if she wasn't working. We went through each column and added to the list items I had forgotten about and tweaked others. I was very conservative on what we were really spending and she saw that. At the end, I subtracted each from our incomes and my income if she wasn't working and it was obvious that even if we made lifestyle changes, we need her income. We agreed on some changes anyway and goals for the next year and will look at it again in a year.
2. That went so well that she did the same thing with me on houshold chores. She has been stressed about going back to work since she will be working longer days and she wanted me to see all that needs to get done and make some agreements on me picking up some of these items. I thought that went well also.

I am thinking of doing a third "legal pad exercise" tonight or tomorrow (prior to the end of the sexual sabbatical) with my expectations for our love life, not just including sex. Because this is an R discussion, I am not sure if I should proceed with it, but she needs to know my expectations and have an understanding of the negative ramifications if she doesn't.

By the way, I love my W and kids and have every want to improve things and no intent to divorce. That being said, we have several good friends who had good marriages that disintegrated over the past year, including one very recently that has us both pretty shaken up. I think it is important to "divorce-proof" our marriage to keep this possibility out because even though I don't plan on it, neither did some of them until they woke up one day and hated each other.

Sorry for the long post, but I needed to repost my sitch.

CB