Hey Bobbi...thats lovely that yuor pastor was so supportive and helpful to you, he sounds like a nice guy !
I had no idea that this was a problem from right at the start of your M and even before that.
I will say though, that I am not sure I agree with your pastor when he says:
"That is the very verse that Pastor said Dan needed to remember when he is out chasing after "things" in life--that he needs to be content with whatever he has.
Kerry the Pastor said he would love to counsel us both or even just Dan, he would really like to help him. He said he can see that Dan is lost and now the whole porn thing makes it all fit together..."
...we are sexual beings and this starts when we are very youmg. His predilicion for porn (what kind?) and sexual gratification are "hard wired" into us, roots go WAY back, probably to his childhood/teens. I am not sure you can be 'cured', not by a pastor anyhow. Dan likely needs serious psycho-sexual counselling.
I am wondering if the pastor may pull Dan aside in the next couple weeks to try to talk with him.
I have thought a lot about this sort of thing. Sadly these "authority" figures often don't want to stick their necks out. There was a fellow 'joe' on here who tried in vain to get his WAW to come meet the pastor. Granted they can't force Dan to change but they can certainly try to go out of their way to get thru' to him for whatever its worth in a matter this important. And pastors themselves have A's and get D's.
I am glad the pastor got through to you. I agree that something is filling the void. i am not sure it is porn but you seem to be. It isn't really important what is filling the void. Dan is not the only WAS that is or was filling the void elsewhere. You do what needs to be done for you and your kids. Everything will fall into place, you will see,
I am not saying it is only porn. He may very well have a new girlfriend. He is on a diet and working out....he told me so over the weekend. Which is ironic since I started my diet on Saturday...
The pastor's point was more that, as long as he is involved in porn, he won't change. He said constantly viewing women as 'sluts' basically, will warp a man's perspective over time. He will not value women in general, including me.
So if/when we are D he could have girlfriend after girlfriend, or one night stand after one night stand, etc etc. But he won't have a loving, real relationship with anyone as long as he is in this pattern.
Ali the pastor wasn't going to fix him of his attraction to porn. He wanted to talk to us about our marriage and help if possible. Or to talk to Dan about Jesus because as much as Dan professes to be a Christian, he is walking a path that is very non-believer-like. We all fall short, I am a flawed person too, I know that. But I try to look to the Bible to show me how to live my life and he claims he believes everything in the Bible too but he sure doesn't live like it...He said he thinks Dan is lost and needs to find God/Jesus again regardless of anything else. And that Dan KNOWS that, which is why he is ping/ponging back and forth. He knows what he should do, but he feels powerless to make it happen.
Anyway thanks again, everyone, for your thoughts and support. I was going to tell Dan tonight when he came over to see the kids before going to Canada tomorrow. But now he is not going to Canada so he didn't come over...I may call him later and tell him. Not to get a reaction but he needs to get his ducks in a row and we both need to figure out the best time/place/way to share the news with Nathan, that we are not getting back together and are getting a D.
I am praying for you and Dan..and the kids. I know this is not the path you wanted to take but I commend your courage.
Are you going to tell Dan why you have come to this conclusion since you have never really confronted him on it and I suspect no one ever has. Do you think it might shock him for it to come to light, so as maybe to give him some food for thought. You know it's such a "dirty secret" that if some light was shed on it, he might start considering it for what it is.
Are you able to tell him him without condemnation, hurt or anger? If you do decide to disucss this with him,..you might possibley leave out the pastors name as you want the pastor to be a refuge...Maybe you can just say you have been talking about it with a C...
I don't know Bobbi and maybe others can throw in their suggestions...but I think you have come this far and your ready to file anyway so would it really hurt anything if you did confront him with this? Again, just food for thought.
Blessings
M:47 M:18 D16, S19 1st S 1/08-5/08 Reconciled/May 7, 2008 Left again Nov 9, 2009 I Filed: Nov 17, 2009 Final: April 14, 2010 EX walked away from kids too
I told him (via text as he never came over) last night that i was planning to file once school is over and I have time (3 weeks from now). The only reason I put was that he made it clear last week that he had no intentions of trying to rebuild with me so it was time we moved forward with life, I loved him but I could not continue to wait for something that he said himself was not going to happen.
This morning I spent almost an hour typing up my thoughts re. the porn issue. I was going to email it but that is too impersonal. So tonight we are going to karate and then out for Mexican with Dan for Cinco De Mayo.I will share it with him after the kids are in bed tonight. Some of you may say why bother but even though I am filing, he is my husband and I do love him and I don't think anyone else honestly knows him like I do, so if I don't confront him on this, no one else ever will. He will live his life thinking no one else knows about his dirty little secret so no one else could ever 'get' him.
If you want I could post part of what I wrote to him, I will say it to him tonight but I wrote it down so I get it all straight...
1)If it weren't for this issue, I would not be going to dinner with him and the kids tonight. Once everything is out in the open, if nothing changes I will cut way way back on the family time stuff. For example MIL just called to invite me to dinner Sunday night for mother's day. I told her the kids would be there no problem. I don't plan to go myself though...I will go see my own mom.
2)Sandy, I agree with you. I didn't mention it last night b/c the text thing was too impersonal. If I could do over, I would have said nothing last night at all but I guess i had one of those epiphanies and I didn't want to wait to tell him...
But I do feel that after 17 years and two kids, he means too much to me to walk away without addressing the issue. As I reflected last night and this morning several things popped up that were always 'there' but I never saw them for what they were, things that tell me that this problem has been going on since we started dating (16 yrs old) if not sooner than that...which is ironic b/c in our deepest discussions he would say "I have been miserable since I was a teenager, that is when I started dating you, so it must be you". Well, that is when his relationship with porn started, too...
Hey BBJ, I am curious about what you will say. I am trying to understand why you would even bring it up. But you obviously feel the need to and that is fine. i would be very surprised that he reacts well to it if he thinks it is his own little secret.
