And believe me when I say I know that we have the ability that we don't even know of to endure and hold on for love. I too never thought I would hold on for so long. H's A has been going on on and off for over 5 yrs so I know I have endured and many have said how did you. But its time to put an end to it. We can't go on like this anymore. So I understand your strength.
You have shown a remarkable strength in standing up for your M like you have. I'm sure you've had plenty of people encouraging you to move on as well. As have I. Ultimately when we get to the point where we are indeed ready to move on - we can do it without regrets and with our head held high, regardless of our past mistakes.
It takes integrity and character. No matter what awaits you in the future, your H will be worse off without a person like you in his life. One day he will really see that. Good luck with it.
"You can't reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into."
After our text messages yesterday I did not respond to H. I was home last night making dinner and saw that I got a new text. And to my surprise, H set a text saying: "Just don't bring no man in my house." OMG, I never laughed so much. Is he for real? I just wanted to send him back a message saying your house has been foreclosed on due to nonpayment and neglect and abandonement. But I didn't. Why bother. I gave no response.
This morning H has been ringing down the phone and I haven't answered him. I guess he wants to use his signature line "I'm coming back home" [at an unknown date and time without doing anything to make up for all the hurt and pain I have caused you. Ah actually, I think he edits that out right?]
So, I think its time for me to go dark again. Let him sit back and think a bit. I have promised myself that I will not answer his calls at least not for today. Will see about tomorrow, don't want to set up false promise but I think some time should pass on this one.
Anyway, to share another realization, this morning I was thinking and I recall that Michele said that we should not pressure our WAS to come back to the R, but I think that pressure is a no no, but heat is good. I mean heat things up a bit without comfortation, don't have our WAS living comfy with how things are. At least this is true for my sitch. I have don't want to pressure my H, I want to heat things up and make him uncomfortable/uneasy so that he can seek out a way to cool down one way or another. Just a thought....
Thanks DC for the encouragement. It certainly takes a ton of strength to do this. Thank God we have each other here. I know H will regret it. His life has already gone chaotic. Credit is terrible, bills are not paid ontime and has lost weigh, doesn't take care of his cholesterol, nada. Crazy choice he's made there.
Anyway, to share another realization, this morning I was thinking and I recall that Michele said that we should not pressure our WAS to come back to the R, but I think that pressure is a no no, but heat is good. I mean heat things up a bit without comfortation, don't have our WAS living comfy with how things are. At least this is true for my sitch. I have don't want to pressure my H, I want to heat things up and make him uncomfortable/uneasy so that he can seek out a way to cool down one way or another. Just a thought....
Presssure is a huge no-no. "Heat" can be good, but it must be indirectly applied. Let him suffer the consequences of his OWN, self-induced heat, rather than any heat directly applied by you.
Trust me, if you look hard enough, there'll be many, MANY opportunities. In fact, if you look backwards, you'll probably see where you've RELEASED the heat and the pressure of his own consequences in many cases. You've rescued.
wow, really, what a small world, i am in suffolk county, so funny how close we really live to eachother....
i agree, heat is good. pressure is never good, although i think everything depends on timing.
sometimes when they are coming around more, things we do dont appear as pressure. everything seems like pressure when they arent up to being receptive.
i know in my situation, these last 6 months or so, everytime i found something out, everytime i caught him in a lie, i did carry on, i did call him out on everything, i did insist on him coming home.
and u know what? it didnt upset him, it didnt seem like pressure to him, because he was coming around already on his own.
focus on your timing, figure out the good and not so good times for when u can put on the heat.
me: 31 H:29 Son:5 m:8 years in november t:10 years first bomb: 10/06 moved home: 3/08 out again 5/08 ow bomb: 4/08, since summer 06 d filed:6/08, on hold 6/08 moved home:3/09 out again 5/09
So H has been calling all day... he so tries to suck me right back in. I haven't answered and won't. I'm going to meet a girlfriend of mine to see a after work movie in a bit.
Ahhhhh, he just sent a text: R u alive. I guess I'm emotional dead so no need to respond.
Very predictable Pup. Even when we were together. Once I took control of the situation and backed off or did my own thing H would come crawling back or come around to doing what's needed.
I believe that in life we encounter situations that teaches lessons. Sometimes I think my sitch and the repeat of H leaving again is because I haven't learn the lesson that required of me (H too). I need to take control of my life, of my marriage and this situation, stand up for myself, and to set boundaries and standards. I think the longer it takes me to do this is the longer my sitch will go on.
Update: I decided to text H this morning back. I didn't want it to seem like I am mad or anything. I just wanted to be casual. So the exchange was:
Me: Hi H, I am alive and well. I've been a bit busy & couldn't answer ur calls. Pl text me back if important. Hope all is well. H: Whatever just 4gotten enjoy. (I think he was referring to that he's forgotten). H: I am going to stop answering your text and your calls. stay busy ok.
I can't be bothered and I refuse to argue with him so I won't even bother answering. He is not giving me anything to hold on to with us so let it be. I did my cordial part and responded to him.
Try to anticipate what he is going to say to you in person, and how you want to respond. With texts and e-mails, you have time to think, but in person, we don't, and we often only think LATER, "Oh, I wish I would have said thus-and-such!"
